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my 4 year old dd is telling me to shut up!?

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
My dd is 4 years old. She has a issues with her speech. It is delayed about 6 months back. She shes a speech therapist who has evaluated her twice now and still she says my dd doesnt have a comprehension about certain things which causes dd to get frustrated easily because she doesnt understand.

Aside from all this, my dd is an only child and only grandchild. She is very spoiled by my parents and sometimes myself. She never leaves the store empty handed. Recently she has started to demand more than one thing when we leave the store.

For instance; last night dd and I, with my mother, went to see the lego Movie in the movie theater. So my dd wanted some popcorn and a drink, she got that plus my mom got her some chocolate to go with it all. Shes fine and everything is okay. For her first movie in public she does great. Stays quiet and doesnt bug anyone. After she finishes her chocolate, she starts demanding more very loudly and right off the bat gets frustrated in a second. I give her some of my chocolate and tell her she has to be quiet. The show ends and she starts BALLING. throws a huge fit while yelling 'I want to see another movie!'. I tell her no and she goes on and on with her crying. We pass by those little toy machines. She starts demanding that she get two. I told her none because of the way she is acting. People stare obviously. I expect it. I just stay calm and smile while tagging her along to the car. We get in the car and I tell her its enough. She starts yelling that she wants toys r us. I again tell her no. Her behaviour was not acceptable. A few minutes later she says she is thirsty so I get her a drink. In the car she has 2 cup holders beside her. Instead of putting the drink in the cup holder like she always does, she tells me to grab it. I quivkly turn around and she THROWS the drink at me. I have enough at tgis point and I tell her sternly that she is a lucky kid to get all these toys and to go out to the movies or museums, some kids dont get to to do that. And most kids dont get a toy every store they go to. She finally stops, says sorry. We get home and she starts crying again that she didnt get a toy. I ignore it and tell her that we have to start getting ready for bed. She tells me to shut up and leave her alone.

I say strike one. She freaks out. (Strike 1 is a warning, strike two means to apologize and think about what you are doing and strike 3 is a time out for 3 minutes. Anything past that I take her computer, her tablet, any fav toy ect...

she just tells me to shut up. Im at loss of what to do. I have started the no new toys thing this week. Asking my mother to not get her anything. Of course my parents laugh and tell me that this is what grandparents do. My grandparents never did that but my parents have more money than they did. I underatand they want my dd happy and content but life is hell because of this. My 4 year old treats me like crap on the ground. This morning she woke up and came downstairs and looked at me saying 'WHY DIDNT YOU PICK UP MY TOYS!?' I looked at her and told her that she can pick them up. That ended in a 15 minute tantrum of crying and screaming right off the bat. I dont know what to do anymore. I am being more stern with her. Explaining things to her. Telling her that we dont say shut up. Telling her it hurts my feelings ect... she doesnt care.

Any advice? Was or is your child like this?

Dd can be sweet and caring. She can be loving and gentle. Its just her mood is more 'I WANT THE WORLD, I GET THE WORLD.'

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 2, 2014 at 11:33 AM
Replies (41-48):
by Gold Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 12:21 PM
Read " the Berenstain Bears get the Gimmies" and you have to get grandparents on board. She is acting inappropriate, speech delay or not. Good luck.
by Bronze Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 12:23 PM
I'll be honest. I dont spank my ds. The most i've ever done is tap his hands when he tried to grab a lit candle.

A few years ago, i worked in a bd/ed classroom and my ds heard me tell a story about a student repeatedly telling the adults to "shut up." My ds started telling me to shut up. I corrected him every time, even put him in time out. Didn't stop him. One day he said it one too many times and before i could check myself, i lightly popped him one the mouth. I immediately apologized to him and we talked. He hasn't said it to me since then.

ETA: My ds is also speech delayed. In school he's classified as communication disabled and is in a self contained class with other children that are similarly classified.
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by Platinum Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 12:23 PM
She sounds spoiled. You need to stop giving into her demands before it's too late. As my mom used to say if I don't correct them now society and the jail system will.
by imjenndoe on Mar. 2, 2014 at 12:28 PM

It sounds like it is time to bag up all of the toys and put them away. Let her keep four and nothing else. Don't take her out for anything fun and don't allow your mother to take her anywhere either. It is time for tough love before you have an even bigger self entitled little monster on your hands.  There is no way she will be catered to in school.  If she began to throw a fit at the movie, it would have been time to leave.  Don't let a four year old run your house... Let her cry. Ignore her when she speaks to you disrespectfully....

by Anonymous 10 on Mar. 2, 2014 at 12:28 PM
Why give any chances?! All you're doing is teaching her she doesn't have to listen the first three times you tell her something.
And, she's 4? A three min time out it too short.
I'm guessing she screams and tantrums through that whole time out, and you still let her out at the 3 min mark.
What does that teach? The timer shouldn't start until she's acting like a respectful child. If she has to stand there for a half hour before she gets her act together, so be it. That's how a time out is supposed to work. It's not a time for her to continue being a brat. It's a quiet moment to think about what she did.

I'd start the day by discussing what went wrong the day before, then tell her she has "instant time outs" from here on out. The first hint of disrespect and she's in time out. If that means she has 40 time outs today, well that's the situation you've created.
Also, tell her you expect a "yes mommy" anytime she is asked to do anything. No buts, no arguing. Hell, I even tell them it is their fault they are in time out, they made a bad choice, and need time to think about a better one. And, they are required to apologize for what they did.
It's not hard. Set expectations and create opportunities for your kid to feel good about doing the right thing.
by Anonymous 11 on Mar. 2, 2014 at 12:43 PM
I do the counting to 3 thing if I ask DS to do something and he doesn't listen. If he is doing something he isn't supposed to I give him one warning and then it is time out. I am very strict on these and ALWAYS follow through. Once people were laughing because he got a time out in the middle of a restaurant. I don't care where I am I follow through.

If DS throws a temper tantrum I ignore it till he calms down and then I deal with the issues at hand.

Do you have a sleep schedule for your DD? That may be part of the issue if you don't.

A reward chart sounds good for your DD. This way she has to earn her extras. Set up some system that you can use to reward good behavior that you notice (but never use it to bribe her to act good). When she get's so many than she can have a treat or a toy.

You need to tell your parents either they can get on board or you guys will see them again when you get her attitude under control. While I do agree that grandparents are for spoiling there are issues here that need addressing and everyone needs to be on board or it will just undermine your abilities as a parent to fix this.

She is going to fight the changes you are trying to implement. She liked ruling the roost and is not going to give up control easily but if you stick with it than you will win out in the end.

GL, and it is good that you are trying to fix this. I wish you all the luck in your journey.
by Ruby Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 12:52 PM

Imagine an Oreo Cookie. Two hard substances with a soft, gooey, substance in the middle... OP, you are the soft, gooey marshmallow between your parents and your child.

You need to exercise your spine and stand up to both your parents and your dd. 

You need to start limiting the time your parents have with her and limiting what they get for her. If they will not respect you as the parent and abide by this, then you need to put a little distance between your family and them....if that means moving, then so be it. (I get the impression you might live with or very near them.) If they want to buy her things, then they either need to keep them at her house for her use when she visits, or give them to YOU to give to her. All grandparents do love to buy things for the grandkids, but if they laugh and tell you "this is what grandparents do", shoot right  back with "Yes, and what PARENTS do is to teach their child that she can't have everything she wants. Until she starts learning this, she isn't getting anything." (Again, if  you live with them... you need to be working on getting a place of your own ASAP)

There needs to be an immediate stop of all extraneous purchases and gifts for her. Maybe not forever, but for now. 

As for your dd... hey, mine had speech issues and comprehension issues, and a very strong will. Heck, she was even bounced around in the foster care system for a couple of years before we adopted her...and yet she was still able to learn basic manners and respect, so don't give up hope. Don't make excuses either. 

Start by planning ahead a little bit. Give yourself extra time for things like the store, or restaurants, or whatever. Tell her beforehand that she is not going to get anything and that she may not ask for anything or whine about it either. Once inside, as soon as she asks, remind her that she may not have anything. If she starts throwing a fit about it, take her out to the car.  Remain calm, but just take her out to the car and tell her that she needs to stop acting like she is. This will take some time, but once she learns that she is not going to get her way, she'll stop. I had to do this quite a bit with my dd at first (she didn't demand things, she just went sort of wild in stores), but it was amazing how quickly she stopped behaving badly on outings. Once she starts getting much better at not being demanding and throwing tantrums while shopping etc. then think of a reward for her. Not buying toys or things in the store, but something that she will like and enjoy.

As for her general disrespect of you, again...Oreo... she sees you as soft, especially since she sees that your parents dominate you and your parents are on her side, so she realizes that she has some power over you. You need to negate that power right now. Some separation from your parents will help (no shopping trips with grandma) but also she needs to see that you are going to take charge over her, and this especially means with your parents as well. 

When she makes demands of  you, simply tell her, "I am your mother, you do not tell me what to do." You'll probably need to say that a lot, but say it each and every time she makes any kind of demand.

Temper-tantrums are different than demands. Once told no, or told "you do not tell me what to do" if that results in a temper-tantrum, then put her in time out....right then, no "3 strikes". If she doesn't respect time out, then ground her from her things... whatever, make sure the consequence for temper tantrums is immediate and consistent. 

If you are able to, it might be a good idea to put her into a preschool so that she can gain the benefit of adult authority other than you and your parents... being able to see that other kids respond to adult authority and be in a position to have to do so herself might be helpful.

The main thing is, this is going to take time and consistency. It took 4 years for her to get this way, so she isn't going to stop all that soon. She'll test you and have set-backs... but once you exercise  your authority as her parents, with both her and her grandparents, and she realizes that you are going to put perimeters on her behavior, she will get better. She'll probably always be strong-willed, but that isn't a bad thing at all. She just needs to learn respect for you and as long as you take charge here, and discipline her with patience and consistency... and keep your parents from interfering...she will learn that respect. 

by Gold Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 1:00 PM

She needs boundaries. There would be no "strikes" if DD told me to shut up, that would be immediate time out. It sounds like you are headed in the right direction, but you have to remain very consistent. You give in once and they'll take a mile. My DD is 4 and acts out to assert her independence and push boundaries, which is developmentally normal. Just have to learn to react appropriately. As far as the grandparents, it sounds like you need to set some boundaries with them as well.

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