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Ready to leave my husband. I'm scared and heartbroken.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 69 Replies

DH and I have been married for 5 years, together 6. We have 2 children together, and I have two from a previous marriage.

He is emotionally abusive, controlling, and insanely jealous. I can't take it anymore. I keep trying to wait for him to be in a good mood so maybe I can talk to him rationally. Maybe I mean enough to him to want to make me stay. But he's almost never in a good mood. The rare occation when he is, I dont want to ruin it since its so rare. And, as soon as I do try to talk to him he gets hurtful, saying things he knows will hurt me the most. Accusing me of being the biggest piece of trash on the planet, worst mom, worst wife, etc. Tells me I'm a drama queen.

He makes me feel like my opinions, fears, worries, etc don't matter. He makes ALL the decisions for our family, but if something goes wrong I have to be the one to clean it up. And then, I get blamed for it falling apart in the first place. I'm not allowed any input. When he does ask for my opinion, if its not exactly the same as his, I get screamed at and made to fell like a terrible person.

He works his job.... a very hard, manual labor, type of job. I do everything else. I have a job too, but its a desk job. No comparison to his. But before he goes to work, he showers and gets himself ready. I get the 4 kids ready, the two oldest to school and the babies to daycare. I clean the house before work. I pick the kids up from school/daycare. I do the major cleaning, cook dinner, kids baths, bedtime routines, etc. He comes home from work, eats his dinner, sits in his chair, and watches t.v.

If I get aggrivated at the kids, he yells at me. If he falls asleep in the chair, and I change the channel, he yells at me. He controls the remote. He controls what time I'm allowed to go to bed. I'm up most of the night, every night, with the baby. I'm ALWAYS exhausted. Then, I get bitched at about always being tired, and not puting out enough.

I know I need to leave. I know.

The money is not there. The kids would be completely crushed. I dont want to do that to them. And, not only that, I know he'll take my kids from me. I cant support them the way he can...he made sure of that. So, I'll get maybe visitations with my kids....thats not enough. I'm the one the baby knows. I'm the up all night, up first thing in the am, feed them, disipline them, love them parent. He's the give them whatever they want to get them to shut up and then yell at the wife parent.


And, believe it or not, I do love him. He's such an asshole, but when he's not, he's wonderful. When he chooses to be my husband, and not this crazy angry all the time, lazy jerk, he's an amazing man, and wonderful father. I've tried talking to him. It does nothing. I cant threaten to leave...he'll just tell me to go.


Is there a way to make him see all this and try to change it? Or am I fighting a losing battle.


Has ANYONE ever known a guy like this to actually change? I know there are millions of them who never change, but are there ANY that do?


And, please try to remember in your response. I'm not ignorant. I know the odds, I know I'm being incredibly stupid for staying. And I know I'm just in for years and years of more pain while I cling to a tiny bit of hope he can change. But I'm still human. I'm a woman, and I'm broken. My heart feels like it been ripped into a million pieces...and I havent even left him yet. Please try to be a little nice to me.

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:44 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:47 AM

I would not leave. It will make w everything more difficult for you and the kids.

FabMama84
by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:50 AM
1 mom liked this
Leave. And it's very hard for a mom to not get custody of her kids!

Find family to stay with, but get out of there.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:52 AM
2 moms liked this

If he doesnt care if you stay or go, then you dont mean enough to him to work it out. I am not bashing you by any means, just giving you my honest thoughts. It sounds like you are miserable, and nobody wants to live like that. Imagine yourself single with four kids. Would you rather do that or what you are doing now? Its highly unlikely he would take the kids. He would have to actually do something, and it sounds like he has no intention of doing anything at home. It is completely up to you. I hope whatever you choose that you and the kids are happy.

MyNameIs-
by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:53 AM
1 mom liked this
Get out. Make him pay child support. You'll manage, you sound like a strong person. Do you want your kids growing up with this man as their example?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:54 AM
You staying proves everything he is saying.
MissGore
by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:55 AM

think of how hard it is to change yourself, and you will realize how impossible it is to change someone else

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:55 AM
1 mom liked this

I dont have family to stay with anymore. And I dont make near enough money to support 4 kids. That how I know he'd get them. Plus, until we went to court, I have no rights, nor does he, against the other. He'd use that to keep me down, and keep the kids with him. He's told me that many times before.


Quoting FabMama84: Leave. And it's very hard for a mom to not get custody of her kids! Find family to stay with, but get out of there.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:57 AM

If I left, he would do whatever he needed to take care of the younger two. I know that. He's a great dad to his kids. And, I'm sure, he'd have new woman very quickly to help him...


Quoting Anonymous:

If he doesnt care if you stay or go, then you dont mean enough to him to work it out. I am not bashing you by any means, just giving you my honest thoughts. It sounds like you are miserable, and nobody wants to live like that. Imagine yourself single with four kids. Would you rather do that or what you are doing now? Its highly unlikely he would take the kids. He would have to actually do something, and it sounds like he has no intention of doing anything at home. It is completely up to you. I hope whatever you choose that you and the kids are happy.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:58 AM

This is one thing I think about CONSTANTLY! I dont want my girls to think its oay to stay with a man who would treat them like this. And, I dont want the boys to think they can treat their women like this.

As far as child support....I dont want his money. He's accused me for far to long of being a gold digger. He can keep it.


Quoting MyNameIs-: Get out. Make him pay child support. You'll manage, you sound like a strong person. Do you want your kids growing up with this man as their example?


owl0210
by Sapphire Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 11:59 AM
3 moms liked this
You will not lose custody of your children. If you're a SAHM he will have to pay spousal support and child support. Start making plans to leave but do not let him know because leaving is the most dangerous time when you're in an abusive marriage. Do not listen to him when he threatens to take the kids away from you. It's a control tactic. Make copies of all important documents and call an attorney ASAP.
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