THIS POST IS THE ORIGINAL 1ST POST
NEW POST HERE. WILL UPDATE THAT. THIS ONE IS TOO LONG
3/19 3:20pm UPDATE
He has been texting and talking with her since feb 26
He says he ended it
He is stayng in the same town she lives in, saying it's the only place reasoble enough to afford
I know now that he is not coming back. I will not be contacting him unless it is in regards to the kids
It was a very hard night last night. The kids were terribly upset and cried themselves to sleep. I took them an hour to finally crash. I comforted the best I could but what can I do? I am so crushed, heartbroken, shocked, angry and off kilter that I don't know how I can help them. I keep telling them things will get better. They will be different but things will get better.
I don't know what to do at this point about so many things. I know I will figure it out. I am a strong person. But I can't see what the future holds right now.
My stepmom came for two hours today before she had to go to work and helped me clean my house. It has been a week since I have done anything due to this bomb that my husband dropped on my life. I did some, some vacuuming, started laundry, cleaned the bathroom. She did everything else. Took out trash, did the dishes, vacuumed everything that I didn't (which is a whole lot). She is such a blessing to me. I couldn't thank her enough, she is so kind.
I have family calling me and texting me daily. It helps to have their support. I know I'm not alone even though I feel like I am.
I miss him so much. My heart is shattered.
Thanks to all of you for taking the time to give my kind words and advice. I truly appreciate it. Bless you all.
tiny update 4:30 He took the kids for ice cream. We spoke for a few moments. I asked him point blank if he was ever coming back. He said no, he doesn't have it in him. So I guess my marriage is completely over and am just waiting for a divorce now.
he has been texting his friend LJ's sister for 3 weeks nonstop
he is leaving right now (i posted this at 1:40)
he has been texting for two weeks (need to verify the timeline via the bill) he says he met her once and has texted since (verfified, 3 weeks at least, will double check with at&t in the morning)
he says unhappy for 2 years. new friends (and i assume new emotional affair) prompted him to leave
he puked and then said going to find a hotel room
i doubt it, he is probably going to her house
i said he needs to come back tomorrw and tell the kids because i'm not doing it
i am going to go ahead and file for divorce
he can go fuck his new girlfriend
i don't give a fuck
and for anyone who thinks this is a fucking troll post, go fuck yourself
my life is fucked and my husband just left me at 2 in the morning
3/17 11:49pm UPDATE
I started digging. Can't get into the bank accout but CAN get into the phone records since I make all the bill payments. He really must think I am an idiot. Here is what I found.
75 texts last billing period to almost 5000 since feb 19th. read it again. feb 19. ONE MONTH
he has to have had them on silent too and has told me he is playing games when i ask what he is doing.
he has texted (this person) on the way to work, at work, before and after calling me, while he was supposed to be sleeping and while sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME
I will update asap. He will be home before midnight 3/17. (just about 10 mintues as i type this)
This is so fucked up.
THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE ORIGINAL POST, LET ME SEE IF I CAN FIX THE DATES BEING OUT OF ORDER
*** For everyone saying that I am not doing the right thing or that my plan is shit. Please tell me what you think I should do and/or what you would do in this situation***********
My husband of almost 10 years told me last night that he is not happy and we have lost the spark.
Has this happened to anyone else and did your marriage survive it?
Also he is not cheating so that's not the issue.
Update: Today has been very hard. I am so confused. He says he loves me and wants to work through this. He says he doesn't want to feel this way. He says that I haven't done anything wrong. We don't fight, I thought we were happy.
And right now, he is getting ready to go out to dinner with his friends. I am so hurt and confused.
I cried so much last night it was ridiculous. I thought I was all cried out but today I saw one of my friends and when she asked if I was okay, the tears came again. I told her no but didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want the kids to see me upset.
So today has been much better for me. I have calmed down, I have talked with my friends, I have taken an honest look at myself and our life.
The kids are staying with friends tonight and I've asked him on a date. Hopefully we can communicate better tonight with no distractions and without me being overly emotional. I have put the fact that I am hurt on the back burner right now.
He was reaching out to me and that is a very positive thing.The fact that he wants to work on this is awesome and I am not going to mope around and feel sad. I am going to take action.
So, tonight is the beginning of a change. Thank you to all who replied, I appreciate you taking the time.
3/15 3 am update
Well it was stupid of me to think it would be ok. Things are not okay. He talking about leaving and the only reason he is hesitant is the kids. Theyare homeschooled and he is the only income. I would need to work and he can't support two households.
Fuck this and fuck my life.
He doesn't want to work on things. He won't read about how to bring the "spark" back. He doesn't want to try and make it better. I do but I can't do it alone.
3/15 evening update
He is at work right now. I just sent him this email. I will bump this again when he replies.
"I need you to be very clear with me. We have had so many conversations over the past 4 days that I am not sure where we stand or what you want to do.
I started watching the movie but it is pretty long. Not much time before work.
I am so fucked up in the head right now and with the way I have hurt you. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. I wish I could take it all away but I can't. I hate the way I am feeling. I am at a point where I don't feel I have much to give. I know it seems so mean and selfish but I am just being honest. I have been trying to come up with more answers for you and myself but I can't. I just feel like giving up, I'm sorry.
I don't know if it's because I am tired of giving so much or just a heavy load. You have been a compassionate and giving wife. I don't want you to think otherwise. You are a good mom and I love you for that. I don't know if it is just me wanting to be alone or just feeling so smothered and weighed down. I'm sorry I can't give anymore reason than that.
I have been running throught the love challenge and I understand it. However I do feel selfish right now and I feel like it is hard to give anymore. It sucks because I have always been a selfless person. I feel like most of this is how we were and still are in some ways. But I can't pretend to be okay and do these things. It means you would have to feel it and be honest.
Honestly I will always care for you and be compassionate but I feel so numb right now. I could say a lot of great things about you with very few negative. But I can't answer why I feel so distant in trying to make it work.
I know that all that does is make you ask why. I don't know. I am tired, selfish, weighed down and ready to give up. I'm sorry if that hurts you. I don't know why it has changed and may never know.
I'm sorry, I gotta get ready for work.
3/17 1;30pm UPDATE
I am going to try and add some more info so that I don't have to keep repeating myself when I quote the replies. Please forgive any repeat info I might put here.
- I have been a stay at home mom for 7 years. He has always wanted that and been proud of the fact that he can provide that type of life for his family. He provides well for us and there are no financial issues. Through the years I have told him that if I need to work, I am more than happy to do so. He has always been aware that I am willing to do that.
- He has had anxiety as long as I have known him but has never medicated it. He just deals with it in his own way. This has worked out well for him.
- I am bipolar ll and have not medicated since before the birth of my first child 14 years ago. I use coping methods I have learned through reading about cognitive behavoural therapy.Here is a good breakdown about it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy. However, I do it alone and without a therapist. I have learned the tools and ideas behind it and have had success.
- Here is a quote from one of you who replied to me and I couldn't agree with this more "either sounds to me like extreme depression or complete BS and there really is a reason he doesn't want to tell you"
- My plan now is to give him as much time, space (as much as possible while living in the same house) and compassion (while not smothering, calling, texting, asking, etc). I am going to focus on myself and trying to get back my passion in life (guitar, writing songs, doing more fun things). Also going to focus on the kids (more than I normally would).
- Some have said that I need to kick him out. I am not going to do that. After 11 years together, 2 kids, and the fact that I love him, am very much in love with him and would do anything for him, I cannot just give up and say "get out". If he chooses to leave, I will just have to accept that that is what he needs to do.
- He has made it clear (to me at least) that he is having some serious issues and has to fix those before he can even try to fix our marriage. My bet is that if he can deal with his own issues, he will see that this marriage is actually really good. It could use some improvements (more time alone, more connecting, etc) but it's overall, very good.
I hope this update will help answer some of the questions that I have been asked at this point. I want to say again that I appreciate all of you who have taken the time to read this, reply with kindness, your experiences, opinions, thoughts and prayers for me/us and for helping me during this extremely difficult time.
3/17 5:30PM UPDATE
Well, lunch was a disaster. Anytime he is around me, he gets so anxious. He picked Sonic. So we park and pick what we want. That is stressful to him. We get the food. He tries to eat but can't and get stressed about that. He was about to cry and stopped himself because the kids were with us.
I was just terrible. I asked him when we got home if he thougt a break might help. To take a vacation day and get away from everthing for awhile. He said no. He said the he is only stressed like this when he thinks about what's going on here.
Yet, he won't agree to see a doctor and get anxiety meds, take a break from us, or discuss separation.
What the hell does this man want?