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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

He's not happy, POST 1

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 942 Replies
10 moms liked this

THE NEWEST UPDATES ARE HERE http://www.cafemom.com/group/115189/forums/read/19789648/Hes_not_happy_POST_3_NEWEST_3_29

THIS POST IS THE ORIGINAL 1ST POST

HERE IS THE 2ND POST http://www.cafemom.com/group/115189/forums/read/19757198/Hes_not_happy_POST_2


_______________________________________

NEW POST HERE. WILL UPDATE THAT. THIS ONE IS TOO LONG

http://www.cafemom.com/group/115189/forums/read/19757198/Hes_not_happy_NEW_POST_NEW_UPDATE

*******************************************************************************************************


3/19 3:20pm UPDATE

He has been texting and talking with her since feb 26

He says he ended it

He is stayng in the same town she lives in, saying it's the only place reasoble enough to afford

I know now that he is not coming back. I will not be contacting him unless it is in regards to the kids

It was a very hard night last night. The kids were terribly upset and cried themselves to sleep. I took them an hour to finally crash. I comforted the best I could but what can I do? I am so crushed, heartbroken, shocked, angry and off kilter that I don't know how I can help them. I keep telling them things will get better. They will be different but things will get better.

I don't know what to do at this point about so many things. I know I will figure it out. I am a strong person. But I can't see what the future holds right now.

My stepmom came for two hours today before she had to go to work and helped me clean my house. It has been a week since I have done anything due to this bomb that my husband dropped on my life. I did some, some vacuuming, started laundry, cleaned the bathroom. She did everything else. Took out trash, did the dishes, vacuumed everything that I didn't (which is a whole lot). She is such a blessing to me. I couldn't thank her enough, she is so kind.

I have family calling me and texting me daily. It helps to have their support. I know I'm not alone even though I feel like I am.

I miss him so much. My heart is shattered.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to give my kind words and advice. I truly appreciate it. Bless you all.

tiny update 4:30    He took the kids for ice cream. We spoke for a few moments. I asked him point blank if he was ever coming back. He said no, he doesn't have it in him. So I guess my marriage is completely over and am just waiting for a divorce now.


3/18   2:35am

he has been texting his friend LJ's sister for 3 weeks nonstop

he is leaving right now (i posted this at 1:40)

he has been texting for two weeks (need to verify the timeline via the bill) he says he met her once and has texted since (verfified, 3 weeks at least, will double check with at&t in the morning)

he says unhappy for 2 years. new friends (and i assume new emotional affair) prompted him to leave

he puked and then said going to find a hotel room

i doubt it, he is probably going to her house

i said he needs to come back tomorrw and tell the kids because i'm not doing it

i am going to go ahead and file for divorce 

he can go fuck his new girlfriend

i don't give a fuck

and for anyone who thinks this is a fucking troll post, go fuck yourself 

my life is fucked and my husband just left me at 2 in the morning


3/17    11:49pm UPDATE

I started digging. Can't get into the bank accout but CAN get into the phone records since I make all the bill payments. He really must think I am an idiot. Here is what I found.


75 texts last billing period to almost 5000 since feb 19th. read it again. feb 19. ONE MONTH

he has to have had them on silent  too and has told me he is playing games when i ask what he is doing.

he has texted (this person) on the way to work, at work, before and after calling me, while he was supposed to be sleeping and while sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME


I will update asap. He will be home before midnight 3/17. (just about 10 mintues as i type this)


This is so fucked up.


*************************************************


THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE ORIGINAL POST, LET ME SEE IF I CAN FIX THE DATES BEING OUT OF ORDER

*** For everyone saying that I am not doing the right thing or that my plan is shit. Please tell me what you think I should do and/or what you would do in this situation***********


My husband of almost 10 years told me last night that he is not happy and we have lost the spark.

Has this happened to anyone else and did your marriage survive it?

Also he is not cheating so that's not the issue.

Update: Today has been very hard. I am so confused. He says he loves me and wants to work through this. He says he doesn't want to feel this way. He says that I haven't done anything wrong. We don't fight, I thought we were happy.

And right now, he is getting ready to go out to dinner with his friends. I am so hurt and confused. 

I cried so much last night it was ridiculous. I thought I was all cried out but today I saw one of my friends and when she asked if I was okay, the tears came again. I told her no but didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want the kids to see me upset.


3/14

So today has been much better for me. I have calmed down, I have talked with my friends, I have taken an honest look at myself and our life.

The kids are staying with friends tonight and I've asked him on a date. Hopefully we can communicate better tonight with no distractions and without me being overly emotional. I have put the fact that I am hurt on the back burner right now.

He was reaching out to me and that is a very positive thing.The fact that he wants to work on this is awesome and I am not going to mope around and feel sad. I am going to take action. 

So, tonight is the beginning of a change. Thank you to all who replied, I appreciate you taking the time. 


3/15 3 am update

Well it was stupid of me to think it would be ok. Things are not okay. He talking about leaving and the only reason he is hesitant is the kids. Theyare homeschooled and he is the only income. I would need to work and he can't support two households. 

Fuck this and fuck my life.

He doesn't want to work on things. He won't read about how to bring the "spark" back. He doesn't want to try and make it better. I do but I can't do it alone.


3/15 evening update

He is at work right now. I just sent him this email. I will bump this again when he replies.

"I need you to be very clear with me. We have had so many conversations over the past 4 days that I am not sure where we stand or what you want to do.


Do you want to try to save this marriage?

Do you want to leave me?

I know that this may frustrate you. I know the first thought in your mind will be that you don't know. But, I think you do know. A simple yes or no to these two questions is all I am asking for."


NEW UPDATE, HIS RESPONSE
Im sorry if i am not clear enough for you.  Im fucked in the head right now about a lot of this shit.  We had the most clear conversation last night.  Why do yoy keep asking the same things.  I am not in the place to save anything right now.  I am emotionally drained and cant pretent to be alright to try and fix something I am up in arms about. You need to quit telling me what I know...you never knew the multiple times I heard it from you, like I mentioned earlier.  I am very uncomfortable right now with even being around because of all the tension. I feel like shit because the pain your feeling and it iskilling me. I just cant pretend im ok anymore for everyone else. I want to try to be happy again before I can be happy enough to fix anything.


3/15   8:30PM

First, I really appreciate all of you who have taken the time to respond. I sent him one last email asking him if he would consider therapy for himself. I will update if/when he responds.

Here is my plan: I am not going to bring anything up to him at all from here. I am giving this a week. If he opens up more about what is going on and comes up with a plan of action to deal with it, then I think we might have a chance. If he does nothing, does not talk about it, does not try, then I am going to ask him to leave.

Thoughts? Good plan or bad one? Thanks again ladies. I knew I could count on you all to give me some great advice. 


UPDATE 2 am 3/16
I called and texted him a few times (because of no response) because he said he would call me at 1 at his break and there was no call. He finally called me back, said he had to take a worker to the er for stiches and that is why he didn't respond. Because he was doing paperwork. He was really pissed at me. Then hung up on he and said he couldn't do this at work.

I swear to God, he has got some fucking balls to be pissed at me right now.

Oh and also, I was not psycho or anything (he was acting like I was), I just wondered if he was ok since he always calls me on break. I didn't expect it tonight, but he said he would call.




3/16  11 am update
Well, I am here. I couldn't get to sleep until about 5 this morning so that sucks. My heart is racing so much of the time. Not sure if it's anxiety or just the lack of food. I am trying to eat. I drank some chocolate milk because I know I needed something in me. Oh and still shaking. Like it's freezing cold and I have no control over it.

I wish I had something positive to post. I think it's inevitable at that point that he is going to leave. He has made no concerted (sp?) effort to try and fix this. I don't even know why he is still here.



3/16  9:30pm UPDATE
So last night I wrote him a note asking him to watch the Fireproof movie and look at the love dare printout. I said that I wanted to do that if he was interested. I also put the ring he gave me last month there and said I can't wear this because it's breaking my heart. I will more more than happy to accept it when/if you decide. Also said that I love him and nothing can change that.

I woke him up (per his request) at 2pm. I only spoke with him about the fact that one of us needs to get cigarettes today and he said he would. I didn't look at him, I didn't ask him how he was. I spoke to him only if he spoke to me. He read my note, cried, I did and said nothing. I only texted him today that I needed gas and how much to put in (because we discuss money) and he told me 30.

Did not hear from him all day until the weather got bad this evening (took me over 2 hours to get home, should have been under an hour). He texted and said "be careful going home, it is sleeting". 

About an hour after that, he texted "hope you made it ok". I had my daughter text him since I was driving. Had her give the details.

Once we got home, I thought the kind thing to do was let him know I got the kids home safe. So I let him know that.

Sooooo I come downstairs to check my email, etc and there is a two page letter from him sitting on my computer. I am going to type it up and share it with you all. I can't seem to understand anything that is occuring right now so I know you all can help me. I am going to share it with my sister as well.

Thanks again and I will respond to those of you who replied while I was out today. Give me a few minutes to type it up.

*************his letter***************

I started watching the movie but it is pretty long. Not much time before work.

I am so fucked up in the head right now and with the way I have hurt you. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. I wish I could take it all away but I can't. I hate the way I am feeling. I am at a point where I don't feel I have much to give. I know it seems so mean and selfish but I am just being honest. I have been trying to come up with more answers for you and myself but I can't. I just feel like giving up, I'm sorry.

I don't know if it's because I am tired of giving so much or just a heavy load. You have been a compassionate and giving wife. I don't want you to think otherwise. You are a good mom and I love you for that. I don't know if it is just me wanting to be alone or just feeling so smothered and weighed down. I'm sorry I can't give anymore reason than that.

I have been running throught the love challenge and I understand it. However I do feel selfish right now and I feel like it is hard to give anymore. It sucks because I have always been a selfless person. I feel like most of this is how we were and still are in some ways. But I can't pretend to be okay and do these things. It means you would have to feel it and be honest.

Honestly I will always care for you and be compassionate but I feel so numb right now. I could say a lot of great things about you with very few negative. But I can't answer why I feel so distant in trying to make it work.

I know that all that does is make you ask why. I don't know. I am tired, selfish, weighed down and ready to give up. I'm sorry if that hurts you. I don't know why it has changed and may never know.

I'm sorry, I gotta get ready for work.

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3/17  1;30pm UPDATE

I am going to try and add some more info so that I don't have to keep repeating myself when I quote the replies. Please forgive any repeat info I might put here.

  • I have been a stay at home mom for 7 years. He has always wanted that and been proud of the fact that he can provide that type of life for his family. He provides well for us and there are no financial issues. Through the years I have told him that if I need to work, I am more than happy to do so. He has always been aware that I am willing to do that.
  • He has had anxiety as long as I have known him but has never medicated it. He just deals with it in his own way. This has worked out well for him.
  • I am bipolar ll and have not medicated since before the birth of my first child 14 years ago. I use coping methods I have learned through reading about cognitive behavoural therapy.Here is a good breakdown about it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy. However, I do it alone and without a therapist. I have learned the tools and ideas behind it and have had success.
  • Here is a quote from one of you who replied to me and I couldn't agree with this more "either sounds to me like extreme depression or complete BS and there really is a reason he doesn't want to tell you"
  • My plan now is to give him as much time, space (as much as possible while living in the same house) and compassion (while not smothering, calling, texting, asking, etc). I am going to focus on myself and trying to get back my passion in life (guitar, writing songs, doing more fun things). Also going to focus on the kids (more than I normally would).
  • Some have said that I need to kick him out. I am  not going to do that. After 11 years together, 2 kids, and the fact that I love him, am very much in love with him and would do anything for him, I cannot just give up and say "get out". If he chooses to leave, I will just have to accept that that is what he needs to do.
  • He has made it clear (to me at least) that he is having some serious issues and has to fix those before he can even try to fix our marriage. My bet is that if he can deal with his own issues, he will see that this marriage is actually really good. It could use some improvements (more time alone, more connecting, etc) but it's overall, very good.

I hope this update will help answer some of the questions that I have been asked at this point. I want to say again that I appreciate all of you who have taken the time to read this, reply with kindness, your experiences, opinions, thoughts and prayers for me/us and for helping me during this extremely difficult time.


3/17  5:30PM UPDATE

Well, lunch was a disaster. Anytime he is around me, he gets so anxious. He picked Sonic. So we park and pick what we want. That is stressful to him. We get the food. He tries to eat but can't and get stressed about that. He was about to cry and stopped himself because the kids were with us.

I was just terrible. I asked him when we got home if he thougt a break might help. To take a vacation day and get away from everthing for awhile. He said no. He said the he is only stressed like this when he thinks about what's going on here.

Yet, he won't agree to see a doctor and get anxiety meds, take a break from us, or discuss separation.

What the hell does this man want?

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 13, 2014 at 10:13 AM
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Replies (1-10):
TiffanyRose06
by Queso<3 on Mar. 13, 2014 at 10:16 AM
Have y'all discussed counseling? At least he was honest with you instead of lying and possibly cheating

Good luck
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 13, 2014 at 10:19 AM
He might've meant that's it's becoming predictable. Maybe you guys need to spice it up an ad a date night into the mix maybe two if you can squeeze it in . My dh and I are normally on the same page we get bored of the same thing and when that happens we normally talk it out and see what we can change. As long as your open minded and honest with each other you can always Breathe back some life into your marriage . Good luck.
256bamamom
by Bronze Member on Mar. 13, 2014 at 10:23 AM

This is NOT unsual.......it happens....life: like work and kids and family and and and.....gets in the way of "marital spark".....and the marriage is the last of all these things that gets the attention it needs.....stop and find that connection that was once there.....take special time for yourselves.....go on walks.....talk to eachother...not at eachother.....don't just assume that sex is the only way to reconnect....your hubby has taken the first step by admitting that least he has lost the spark...now take the next steps by putting your marriage as a priority.....it can be done. Best wishes for a NEW future together!!!

ChewyBrownies
by Platinum Member on Mar. 13, 2014 at 10:24 AM
spice it up. Role play, buy a sex swing and go nuts.
shell3m
by Shell on Mar. 13, 2014 at 10:32 AM
2 moms liked this
Play board games together...or a walk holding hands where you go or a special dinner...or make out in the back of the car (even if its in your own driveway) ;) list five things you love about each other....watch your wedding video...just do things together. One day the kids will be out of the house and it will just be you two again...you got to keep you guys connected through the years. Every marriage goes through dull moments and you have to work together to get through it to get to the next chapter in your marriage. Don't give up and don't let him give up....couples that have been together for 50 came through TONS of cross roads and just kept working at it. :) This is just another cross road....you'll be ok if you stay connected. :) Good luck hun....remember...the best thing about marriage is...everyday is a new day to reconnect and let your love grow. :)
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 13, 2014 at 12:13 PM

Thank you all for the replies.

My heart is just breaking. I can't understand why he feels this way and he says he doesn't know either.

AZHOTMOM
by Platinum Member on Mar. 13, 2014 at 12:19 PM

Can you do things you did at the beginning? Dh and I loved to walk through the park at midnight or have a midnight picnic. Do you do anything for each other to make each other feel special? I leave little notes and gifts for Dh in odd places like his truck or his desk at work and he does the same for me.

Its not always about sex, the connection is super important too, however, spicing up your sex life may help. Do you buy lingerie or shop at any adult stores? You can go online too if you don't want to go in person.

I try to find differnet things to do to keep the spark. Dh and I have been married 16 years, I am only 34 and still want to have lots of fun!! We also go out and act like we don't know each other and DH will come try to pick me up or vice versa. Its fun and silly, but keeps the same old boring stuff at bay.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 13, 2014 at 2:16 PM

Has anyone else gone through this?

mygardenia
by Gold Member on Mar. 13, 2014 at 2:18 PM

You need to be blunt and ask why he is unhappy and what he wants to be changed.

suzanneyea
by on Mar. 13, 2014 at 2:19 PM

I have felt that way, but never said it to my husband. I just work on getting the spark back.

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