My husband attempted to be unfaithful to me in August. Since then, our marriage has been on a steady decline. While I made the decision to stay and I still feel that it was the right choice for us, and our children, I have come to realize that I have not forgiven him.
Our youngest child was born shortly there after, in October and the anger and resentment I have held onto, along with a mild case of ppd has caused me to allow my life, my home and my kids to spiral out of control.
Here is the letter to my husband. Also please excuse any typos or random words. I'm mobile and using Swype. I will try to catch them though.
I am writing this letter to you with no expectations and no pre determined outcomes. It's just me and my feelings.
The past year has been one hell of a rocky ride. I am holding onto resentments. I have so much hurt built up inside and I feel that it is effecting my ability to be a good wife and mother.
I am so sad and angry all the time and when I'm in a rare, happy state of mind, you have had a bad day and your attitude towards me and the kids rubs off on me.
I feel as though the boys are suffering because our marriage is in a bad place. They don't deserve angry parents.
I never in a million years would have thought I'd be one of those wives that threatens to leave. I never thought our marriage would get to that point, that I would want to leave. But here we are, I'm that wife who has threatened to walk away. In the past 8 months, I've said it 3 times.
Each time it was said, it was in the heat of the moment. Each time while my heart was breaking due to your irresponsible actions. And each time, it got easier to say out loud. That terrifies me.
The thought if divorce makes me physically ill. It's not something I ever wanted for us or our children. However, I don't feel as though you take our vows seriously.
You married me. You made a promise to love me forever. A promise to be faithful. A promise to give me your all.
The crown if a successful marriage is loyalty. I don't think that word has enough letters in it to really get the point across. You have but been loyal. You have not stood by my side. In more ways than one. In regards to our marriage, decisions made for our kids or boundaries set for your ex.
You seem to feel like since you apologized everything should be okay. I'm not okay. I haven't been okay since August. I'm angry and hurt and I don't know what will make me okay again, but I need you to help me get there.
I don't feel like we communicate effectively. It is obvious to me that you are not getting enough out of this marriage, but I need to know what it is that you want and need. I cannot be a good wife if I don't know what that means to you anymore.
I know I could be a better mother and wife. Our home could be cleaner, our meals healthier, and our children happier.
We need to play with our kids more. Both if us. Yds loves when you get down on the floor and have tummy time with him and ods, he just wants someone to talk to.
I need to be a better mother and wife. I cannot pull myself out of this state of mind without action. So here are my goals for the week.
1) take ods for a walk after work each day and talk to him.
2) spend some time with yds just passing
3) Not to say anything negative to you in the heat of the moment
I ask two things of you
1) take the time to really figure out what you want and need. Take as much time as you need. When you know, tell me. Pick a good time, when we aren't fighting and the kids won't be a distraction and sit me down and tell me. I promise to listen.
2) express more patience with the boys. Remember that none of this is their fault.
Finally, I must apologize for my part in the fall of our marriage. I have become so consumed in a state of depression that my home, my appearance and my kids are suffering for it and in turn my marriage.
I promise that I am going to invest more time and effort into this family and in the meantime, I'm going to find my happiness again.
I love you always.
Okay I have to be up in 4 hours. So if I don't reasons, I passed out.