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Open Marriage Aftermath... it's long, but I use paragraphs & punctuation, so hopefully that helps lol

Posted by Anonymous
  • 90 Replies

First, I know better decisions could have been made, I know now there were signs I should have seen. However, I cannot change the past, and instead am looking for ways to better the future. If you're going to be rude about the lifestyle, my choices, or are going to tell me to just get a divorce, please don't. I am looking for insight and advice. I am open to questions if you are genuinely curious about more info. Feel free to say what you think, but try not to be a dick about it please. If you've been through something even remotely like this, I'd like to hear your story or advice.

Sorry, I know this is really long... but I write pretty well, and with mostly proper grammar and punctuation lol. I just wanted the story to be clear, and that entails some details.

DH & I tried a threesome with a friend, it was ok, weird yet fun.

Advanced to trying a girlfriend (could have been boyfriend if we'd met the right guy) b/c we weren't down with the idea of just a bunch of randoms. Same girl (about 2 years after the threesome with her) became our girlfriend. It was cool at first, then things starting moving too fast, and there was just more and more I wasn't really comfortable with.

A bit later, decide to try again. Meet girl, turns out she led us on a bit, because she's not into chicks. She WAS however, into DH. This gave him the idea to discuss open marriage. After much discussion and arguments, we decided to try. Mostly I gave in, for fear of him either cheating or leaving (I know now he was manipulative and he put those ideas in my head). He sleeps with this girl, goes ok for awhile, turns out she's crazy, he gets hurt. Mopes around for awhile, starts looking again. I wind up discussing our situation with an aquaintance of mine, and he's down. He also turns out to be awesome. Marriage has been rough for awhile now, there have been a few arguments where I started to feel scared. Don't want to give up other guy, because he's there for me, and I'm debating leaving DH anyway, for reasons unrelated to other guy. Even without him, I'd have been on the verge of leaving.

DH insists he can turn a new leaf, admits he has been wrong, admits he has had his priorities backwards. Many people won't believe me, or will doubt his sincerity, but I know him better than anyone and I know it's genuine. I tell other guy I can't be with him anymore, that I have one last chance to save my family and I have to take it. It hurts me to do this to him, and I know it hurts him to lose me.

Now, about 4 months after being officially monogomous again, DH truly has made efforts. He spends more time at home with us, is more involved with DD, is more affectionate to me, is supportive of my endeavors, is working harder and is serious about paying off debts and getting out of this stupid apartment and into a house (see, told you there were more reasons than another person!). It's all seeminlgy going fine. We don't argue much anymore. We can go on a "date" and have a good time together.

BUT. I have a lingering sense of despair. Of resentment. Of doubt. How long will this last? Is this more manipulation? Is this really what he wants or is it just to appease me for now? Even though I have no reason to suspect it, I can't help but wonder if he still flirts with every woman he sees. Would he cheat on me? He's smart enough that I'd be hard pressed to find evidence. Occassionally I still cry over feeling hurt that I wasn't enough for him. I feel lonely. I'm not that into sex anymore, and we're back to having sex nightly but me feeling like it's more of an expectation, something we just do rather than him wanting me. If I hug him he smacks my butt or pinches my boob rather than ever return the embrace. It makes me feel kind of dirty, a bit disgusted, and honestly, a little unloved. It feels like rejection. I can talk to him about things like that, and for a little while he'll change... to use that example, he'll hug me back... but it eventually fades back into a boob squeeze. I like feeling sexy, but I also like feeling loved & cherished, and a boob squeeze just doesn't do that.

And then... there's the lingering feelings for the other guy. I can't stop thinking about him. Part of me knows this is because I'm clinging to a fantasy, daydreaming about what could have been. But part of me genuinely wonders if I chose wrong, if I'd be happier in my own place, working a job I truly enjoyed (that DH asked me to quit, btw), and seeing this guy. I'm constantly hoping I'll run into him when I'm out. He still hits me up on facebook every now and then, nothing it shouldn't be, just checking in on me. I know he's checking in to let me know he still cares, but we don't talk about that. I know I should just cut ties if I want to forget him and move on, but I just... can't. My heart races when I see I have a message from him.

So yeah. That's about it I think. I guess my main questions are how do I know I can trust DH? Will I get over the resentment? The back of the mind questioning? Will I be living with feelings for someone else for the rest of my life?

Advice? Suggestions? Related story?

If nothing else, writing it down helps keep my thoughts from going crazy all over the place.

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 21, 2014 at 5:40 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Platinum Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 5:42 PM
by Platinum Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 5:45 PM
Marriage counseling. That's all I can suggest. Long term. Not a few sessions.
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 21, 2014 at 5:46 PM


by Anonymous 3 on Mar. 21, 2014 at 5:46 PM
*grabs popcorn*
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 21, 2014 at 5:47 PM

thank you :)

Quoting Tatiana7: Hugs.

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 21, 2014 at 5:49 PM

Yeah... we have thrown that idea around... that's saying a lot for people who are all "counseling is a joke" lol... not sure how DH would feel about it now that we're at least stable again. I have been thinking about it more and more for myself though, I think I'm on the verge of depression

Quoting petitekatie: Marriage counseling. That's all I can suggest. Long term. Not a few sessions.

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 21, 2014 at 5:51 PM

right? even on my own post, I thought the same thing...

*mentally prepares self for good ol' cm hatefest.... clicks "post"...*

Quoting Anonymous: *grabs popcorn*

by Baby T-rex Arms on Mar. 21, 2014 at 5:51 PM

If he loves you he'll prove it by being loyal and listening to your wishes and supporting your ideas and by helping you accomplish realistic goals. The same goes for you. Every time he reverts start him back on the right track. Now if you have to keep doing this over and over and over again, I would quit trying at that point b/c he's showing you he's not interested in changing. Y'all will need some sort of help with counseling and I would seriously consider finding someone ASAP.

by Anonymous 4 on Mar. 21, 2014 at 5:53 PM

I don't know but bump for help.
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 21, 2014 at 5:53 PM
3 moms liked this

I think you have these feelings of resentment and distrust because, like you said, you know him better than anyone.

I believe he is appeasing you for now. He knows he might have pushed things too far and he knows what you are thinking. He doesn't want to let you go either. Why would he? He has found a woman who has let him have his cake and eat it too. (I'm not being rude, but honest) That's extremely convenient. I think he's lying low for now but waiting to pounce again once he feels comfortable.

As for the other guy, sounds as if he offers more. Maybe he's more compatible with you? I don't know. But you all have kind of made a huge mess and if you want it to work, you know you'll have to put in the hard work. I don't have to tell you that.....

Honestly though, I think your dh is a sneaky one.

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