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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I have gone off the deep end. F***, im so ashamed of myself

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 66 Replies

 so the past couple months have been horrible, I have been trying desperately to hold on to my recovery from SI.  Ive been white-knuckling it for MONTHS, well night before last, i relasped. and now im having urges to purge, wich im controling via cutting, im still on track with the ED, the last time i purged was 16 months ago. untill night before last, i hadnt self harmed in 8 months, and before that it was 3 months, and before that 6 months. i just cant anymore, i dont know what to do, none of my other coping machanisms are working, none of my SI alternatives are working. in the past 48hrsish i have self injured on four seperate occasions, resulting in 37 brand new cuts, and 2 burns. my SO knows about it, he is being extreamly supportive and feels that if i cant find ANY other way right now to not keep my shit together, as long as im safe and know what im doing ( i do, ive been doing this for over a decade, because im that pathetic) he isnt going to stop me, and is willing to take the lesser of two evils here (SI, wich wil leave me with some scars and make it so i have to cover up for a while over bullimia, wich can, and probably will eventually kill me if i go back to it) he just doesnt want me to lie and hide it from him, so he can know when to be worried, and how worried he should be.....

I am royally screwed here. i have a 2 year old, im an adult, i shouldnt be doing this shit. but i cant just go back, it isnt that easy....

anybody have any experience here with LONG TERM self harm recovery, because it is apparently not working for me, and i dont want my son to grow up knowing him mom is a cutter, if this continues, he will find out no matter what i do.

i plan on talking to him about it when he is older, he has already noticed the scars, and chances are he wil grow up to SI as a teen (alot do, and both his father and myself have been serious long term self injurers) and i want him to know its ok and ive been there and it will never be something he needs to hide from me if it happens. However i dont want to still be cutting when he is old enough for that talk......
FML

so anyway, thoughts? advice? help? prayers? whatever you want to post in regards to the jumble of stuff i just posted.....

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 21, 2014 at 7:33 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kde216
by Silver Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 7:35 PM
Bump for you. Good luck.
seximami111
by Bronze Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 7:37 PM

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 21, 2014 at 7:37 PM

 Thank you

Quoting kde216: Bump for you. Good luck.

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 21, 2014 at 7:38 PM
You should go check yourself into the hospital and get help.
Danesmommy1
by Grammar Enthusiast on Mar. 21, 2014 at 7:38 PM
2 moms liked this
You could PM me, but I won't talk about it here.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Mar. 21, 2014 at 7:39 PM

Bump

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 21, 2014 at 7:40 PM

 If i checked myself into the hospital it would make things SO MUCH WORSE. It is not even close to being an option, at all....

Quoting Anonymous: You should go check yourself into the hospital and get help.

 

Melissa_4
by Ruby Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 7:43 PM

I don't understand what SI is, what causes it, etc., but wanted to wish you good luck in your struggles. 

(((Hugs!)))

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Mar. 21, 2014 at 7:43 PM
I am sorry. I hope you figure out the best thing for you.
Nutrition_Guru
by on Mar. 21, 2014 at 7:44 PM
3 moms liked this
I think your boyfriend is no help. He shouldn't be on with any type of self injury at all. He's enabling you and doesn't care about the situation.
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