Ok, so when I go to my therapy intake meeting and request the female doctor that means I fucking want to talk to the female doctor. When I show up for my appointment, don't tell me that she is out for the day but the male doctor has a free appointment. If you bother to read my file, one of the reasons I am going to therapy is because I was sexually abused and I am uncomfortable being around men Dumbass!
Call me delusional if you want to. I don't care. I've heard it before. I grew up with a drug addicted mother who pimped me out to her drug addicted boyfriends or sometimes let them have sex with me for free because she didn't fucking want to have sex with them. That's how I got pregnant with my twins. Yes, I know that it is delusional but I am scared of men. I always feel like they are all looking at me like they're going to hurt me. I always talk about waiting to have more kids until after I'm married but the thought terrifies me to be honest. The thought of having a man in my house, trusting him to lie beside me while I sleep where he can just do anything he wants to me makes me have anxiety attacks. I hear coworkers talk about their husbands watching the kids and it just makes my heart pound and my first thought is "You idiot! You left him unsupervised with your children? Do you want them to get raped?"
I am terrified because I am raising two future men right now. My brother is 11 and my son is 7 months. I also have a 7 month old daughter. I pray every day that I will be able to handle them when they are older but I am secretly afraid that I will be nervous with them. That is why I am trying to get back to the doctor and get some help. I am aware that it is stupid to feel that way. I am aware that it isn't fair. Not all men rape children but that is all I grew up around. I can't change that. I can't change how I feel.
Just the thought of being alone in the room with that male doctor has had me in a mild panic attack all day long. How am I ever going to get through LIFE if I'm scared to death of men? I need help and yet the doctor thinks it's perfectly ok to not show up for my appointment and not calling to reschedule or even let me know that she wasn't going to be there. This would have been my first appointment. Ugh!