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Why must I lie...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 4 Replies
I honestly feel like I'm loosing my mind, not the everyday crazy though. When I was younger I suffered physical and mental abuse at home, At 12 I started turning to any guy that would give me attention, regardless of what it took from me. I suffered a period of anorexia/bulimia so bad I was hospitalized in an inpatient clinic for two weeks and therapy for a year, my therapist tried to have me committed to an institution because she believed I was going to kill myself. I would have. But I lied my ass off, they kept me a day for observation and let me go home. I started cutting and hit way to deep, i needed eleven stitches, through to the bone, it was horrific and overwhelmingly calming at the same time. I stopped seeing my therapist and no one put two and two together, they thought it was an accident. I started cutting all the time, I covered the cuts with makeup, tattoo cover up, bracelets and long sleeves. No one noticed. At fifteen I met an amazing friend who convinced me to change. I gave up drinking, cutting and sex. I met my husband and things finally felt decent. Then I was raped. The self hatred and disgust came back tenfold. It was all my fault. I told no one, I couldn't. I hate myself so much for letting it happen. I was sent to babysit my cousin in another state, then I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to die more than ever, but I couldn't harm an innocent life. I broke down and admitted everything. I've never felt so ashamed, so disgusted with myself. I let it happen. How did I let it happen? The police caught him, he admitted to everything, pled guilty to a year in prison, lifetime registry and probation. The judge gave him two years. Two years? My whole life was flushed down the toilet, I will never regain my peace of mind, never regain my dreams that were overtaken by his nightmare. I will never be able to walk down the road unafraid again, never get into a car and not fear what if. And he got two years. Fuxk everything. Slowly I fell in love with that innocent life, my little girl. what family didn't practically disown me for not giving her to another family member for adoption, supported me so so strongly, dh never left my side. Except for when I left him for a month, he made me feel real, made me feel safe, but I just wanted to make it all go away. He was the only thing keeping me together. He gave me space and the same hour I wrote out my suicide letter he came to me broke down and told me we could make it through anything. In my mind I thought he was right. Part of me regrets opening the door. My daughter was born soon after, my dh stuck by my side, I was only a kid. It was so much more than I could take. But I had no choice. I got a job and went to school, I had to. My little princess needed me. Happiness returned but the fear remained. I can't handle feeling so afraid. I can't handle the regret, the pain. I wouldn't trade my little angel for anything inthe world, but I feel so ashamed for letting him hurt me so, for still giving him the power to terrorize my dreams. I don't even live in the same state anymore, but I'm scared. In sick of being so paranoid. I don't know how to stop myself. I can't go outside, I can't be alone without beig afraid. But I lie, I lie so well they never know. They believe me when I say I'm ok, I could talk my way out of insanity to anyone. But it's bullshit. I wish someone would just tell me I'm a fuxking liar and fix me. I don't wanna be this way anymore, I don't wanna hide it. I just hurt and it won't go away. I'm happy, my life is perfect, but this fear consumes me. It's literally making me sick, physically making me sick, but I just keep lying it off. How stupid is everyone? Why can't I just admit it? I'm honestly afraid of this fear
Completely consuming me, sometimes I swear I'm loosing touch with reality. There's
Just something awful inside me and I don't know how I make it go away. I don't know how I can be so happy, yet so hateful at the same time. I just want to destroy myself inside. Sometimes i feel nothing at all, I just don't understand. I have literally lied my way happy to my family, my dh, my therapists, my counselor, my doctor, the hospital mental institute processing staff. Everyone. They all just believe my stupid little lies. It helps to let it all out, but I can't. Every time I try it just comes out lies. What is wrong with me...
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:00 AM
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Replies (1-4):
firebird78
by JKL's mom on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:04 AM
Hugs.....
So sorry
sdsstargazer
by Gold Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:09 AM
2 moms liked this
You're lying to yourself. Until you can face yourself and be honest with yourself you cannot be honest with others. You are just hitting the tip with what you have posted here. There is so much more going on, and you know you need help, but you are frustrated and you are blocking yourself. Why don't you start by showing your therapist this posting?

I'm glad you have your husband. Not for the reason you think, but because he helped you remember your true value. You are stronger than you realize. You have worth. You are worthy of love and worthy to love. You deserve to be happy, but you are the one in control of that. The question is, what will you do with the wall that's blocking you? Eventually you'll have to break it down. It will be painful, but with all pain begins the healing process. When you begin healing, imagine how much more room you will have for love and happiness in your heart and soul. I wish you the best, Mama. I'm sending tons of love, hugs, prayers, and good thoughts your way.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:36 AM
Because I stopped seeing my therapist. Every
time they start getting to close or I feel like I can open up to them I stop seeing them. Make up a stupid excuse, I just don't know how to really open up. I can admit something's, just enough to cover my feelings, but not the deepest essence. In all honesty Im not sure I know what it really is. My dh is the only person that had taken the time to make me feel like I was worth anything. My dad would put me on a golden pedestal on weekends and when the weekdays came he was too drunk to remember me, my mom said one thing to my face, one thing in anger and anther thing to everyone else. I allowed myself to be used and each time I built that wall a little stronger. I feel like I built a wall out of self hatred and I just don't know how to admit it, I don't want pity or understanding. I need someone to just shatter my security, to force me to open up even if that means tearing me apart first. If that makes sense.

Quoting sdsstargazer: You're lying to yourself. Until you can face yourself and be honest with yourself you cannot be honest with others. You are just hitting the tip with what you have posted here. There is so much more going on, and you know you need help, but you are frustrated and you are blocking yourself. Why don't you start by showing your therapist this posting?

I'm glad you have your husband. Not for the reason you think, but because he helped you remember your true value. You are stronger than you realize. You have worth. You are worthy of love and worthy to love. You deserve to be happy, but you are the one in control of that. The question is, what will you do with the wall that's blocking you? Eventually you'll have to break it down. It will be painful, but with all pain begins the healing process. When you begin healing, imagine how much more room you will have for love and happiness in your heart and soul. I wish you the best, Mama. I'm sending tons of love, hugs, prayers, and good thoughts your way.
sdsstargazer
by Gold Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:42 AM
It makes complete sense. Like I said, it can't be done until you do it first though. You are your worst enemy right now, I'm sorry to say. You build the wall and only you can take it down. There are those who can help guide you and instruct you in how to take it down, but when it comes down to it, it all falls on you. (This is coming from someone who has walked that path).

Quoting Anonymous: Because I stopped seeing my therapist. Every
time they start getting to close or I feel like I can open up to them I stop seeing them. Make up a stupid excuse, I just don't know how to really open up. I can admit something's, just enough to cover my feelings, but not the deepest essence. In all honesty Im not sure I know what it really is. My dh is the only person that had taken the time to make me feel like I was worth anything. My dad would put me on a golden pedestal on weekends and when the weekdays came he was too drunk to remember me, my mom said one thing to my face, one thing in anger and anther thing to everyone else. I allowed myself to be used and each time I built that wall a little stronger. I feel like I built a wall out of self hatred and I just don't know how to admit it, I don't want pity or understanding. I need someone to just shatter my security, to force me to open up even if that means tearing me apart first. If that makes sense.

Quoting sdsstargazer: You're lying to yourself. Until you can face yourself and be honest with yourself you cannot be honest with others. You are just hitting the tip with what you have posted here. There is so much more going on, and you know you need help, but you are frustrated and you are blocking yourself. Why don't you start by showing your therapist this posting?

I'm glad you have your husband. Not for the reason you think, but because he helped you remember your true value. You are stronger than you realize. You have worth. You are worthy of love and worthy to love. You deserve to be happy, but you are the one in control of that. The question is, what will you do with the wall that's blocking you? Eventually you'll have to break it down. It will be painful, but with all pain begins the healing process. When you begin healing, imagine how much more room you will have for love and happiness in your heart and soul. I wish you the best, Mama. I'm sending tons of love, hugs, prayers, and good thoughts your way.
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