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Is it too late for stepdad to be "real" dad?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 16 Replies

This should probably be in the single moms forum but idk how to post anonymous in there 


I'm 33 years old w a 13 year old son. His father died in an accident went he was 2 he doesn't remember him at all. My large close family has completely been there for me and helped me get my career off the ground and my MBA in my 20s. Financially we're set. He goes to private school, outgoing, already on varsity basketball team etc,


but what he doesn't have is a dad. :( Between my dad, brother and cousins especially my dad my son has so many positive make role models he never once  asks for his father. When I was young and in grad school we stayed with my parents so that's why he's real close to my dad and brother especially 


When was like 8 I talked to him about his dad but he didn't seem to care that much. So I said if you have any questions ask me. He said ok but he never asks. 


So today I said 'remember when I said you can ask me any questions about your dad?' He said " yup but u don't have any questions, " very nonchalant. 

Maybe it doesn't impact him as badly because it's all he knows and like I said he has men around and gives my dad a Father's Day card etc.. But I feel it has to effect him? 

Me and my boyfriend are getting serious but I've never brought any man around my son. Unless it will be marriage I don't feel it's right to do so. He's talking marriage now and For the first time in so long I'm head over heels. So if we get engaged I will intro him. 

I'm starting to regret I didn't just marry someone else right away instead spending so much time mourning his dad and being picky and working on my career


Is my son too old too look to as a stepfather as a dad now? Also should I keep trying to talk to him about his bio father? Ughh this makes me feel so guilty 


Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:14 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Halfdeafmommy
by Pure Honesty on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:16 AM
1 mom liked this

I wouldn't count on him looking up to your boyfriend as his dad but maybe like a father figure.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:18 AM
1 mom liked this
I don't think so. Don't make him call him dad right off the bat though and let their relationship develop at it's own pace.

Good luck and congrats :D
TheFirstNoel
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:19 AM
2 moms liked this

He might be too old to see his stepfather as a father. He had one who died. That's all he knows. However, just because he may not see his new stepfather has a father figure, doesn't mean that he won't one day maybe come to respect him and look up to him like he would a real father. But it won't be a father/son relationship. I think you need to have your son and your boyfriend build up a relationship BEFORE marriage, otherwise he may feel like you're pushing this onto him and may come to resent him. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:20 AM
1 mom liked this
Don't bring him in as Dad let them define their own relationship
Jamie1972
by Ruby Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:23 AM
1 mom liked this

My mom married my step dad when I was 12. I've known him since I was 6 so he was always the positive role model in my life. He was and still is more my dad then my bio dad ever was it will be.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:26 AM
1 mom liked this

I think after 13 years he must have questions, maybe he is just uncomfortable asking them.  Do you have a scrapbook or album with pics of them together, maybe get that out to start a conversation going.

i would not get engaged until you have them spend some time together.  Be honest with your son, tell him you love this man and want a future with him.  Otherwise he may feel resentful,like you were planning all of this with no thoughts of his feelings. Of course he doesn't get to determine what you do, but he should have his feelings heard.

At your sons age, he might have trouble viewing a new husband as a father figure, maybe shoot for more of a fun uncle status at first.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:33 AM
1 mom liked this
I think it's weird that you'd wait until you're engaged to a man before you'd introduce him to your son.

I think it's healthy for children to see how relationships are supposed to work. He should see that a boyfriend treats his mother with respect. It's a learning experience. Heck, even if you don't work out at least he can see that finding the perfect match is difficult and his mom is a strong woman who doesn't settle for anyone.

I think going from never meeting to this stranger is marrying my mom is very odd.

I don't think it's too late for them to develop a relationship. It won't be the generic father/son relationship, but it will be special.
smorgan865
by Ruby Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:34 AM
1 mom liked this
My mom left my dad, she may as well have been dead.

My dad starting seeing a woman when I was 12 or so. Even before they married she more of a mother to me and my siblings than my real mom. I never called her mom though. It just never felt right (I don't call MIL mom either). My step mom was there for me and my siblings. Until she stole my identity and wreaked havoc in our family.

BUT bottom line, no I don't think it's too late. I will also say. I know the introduction of the BF to kids is a touchy subject, but being that your son is older, I don't know if I'd wait until engagement to do the introduction. I'd want to see how the two of them get along first. To be fair to everyone. If you're committed completely, but their dynamic is off it's going to cause heartbreak. Either to your son if you marry the BF or to your BF if you say you'll marry him and then change your mind. Just food for thought.
sdsstargazer
by Gold Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:36 AM
1 mom liked this
If you are worried about how it may go, have your dad talk to him about it. Your dad may have already talked to him about his father and just kept those conversations between them since they are so close and already have that special bond. It's ok if he doesn't see your soon to be husband as a father, especially at his age, but he should see him as a positive male figure and friend. And don't beat yourself up. You did what was right by you, you grieved properly, and provided a future for your family whole surrounding him with support, nurturing and love. Sounds like you did amazing to me.
luckysevenwow
by Emerald Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:38 AM
1 mom liked this
Why would you get engaged first? Your son may not like him, what then.

They should have been building some type of relationship before you think of marriage and being engaged.
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