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My step kids hate me, and by extension my son :(

Posted by Anonymous
  • 70 Replies
My husband and I met while his marriage was rocky. We didn't date or do anything physical until he was officially separated, but we did text and talk. Long story short, one of his kids saw texts from me, and they're all convinced it was all me that broke up his marriage. We've been married 5 years and they hate me.

Our son is 6. They're all late teens/adults and don't make any effort to see him, pretty much ignore him if they're ever (rarely) around, and have told my husband they don't consider him their sibling and don't care to have a relationship with me or him. My husband is scared to say anything to them because they all cut him off for a long time and he thinks they would do it again.

I can't have any more children and all my son wants is brothers and sisters. He gets so excited to see them and is crushed when they act indifferent towards him. He made them all Christmas cards last year and they didn't bother to come pick them up or send him anything. They don't come to his birthdays. Nothing. It breaks my heart for him.

Does anyone have any advice? They already hate me so sometimes I feel I have nothing to lose by calling and flipping at them, but I don't think they'd even care.
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:19 AM
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by Platinum Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:22 AM
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Stop trying.

They don't care so you shouldn't either.

You did contribute to the breaking up of their parents marriage whether you want to admit it or not.

Get your son to focus on something different. Om days they come over you and your son can be "busy" and leave the house.
by Platinum Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:23 AM
Theyre upset that their parents divorced. Theyre harboring resenent and holding grudges. In their mind its your fault and if not for you nothing would have changed in their lives. Not you say that that isnt true and while it may be the case it doesnt change how they feel. It sucks that they have to resent your son too but they may never come to have good feelings towards you. Im sorry for your situation
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:27 AM

He is six and they are adults. Move on. This is ridiculous. I can't stand it when the clearly younger wife expects adult children to accept a baby as a sibling. My uncle and his second and third wife both did this, drive us all away. My child was older than his and they wanted all the cousins to hang out. What? When you create a weird situation, you deal with it.

by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:29 AM
1 mom liked this

You did contribute to their parents divorcing. Cheating doesnt' have to be physical, it can be emotional. They don't have to accept you or your child as part of their family. They might never. "Flipping out" on them is just immature and will drive the wedge even deeper. 

Focus your energy elsewhere.  

by AZ Lizard on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:29 AM
2 moms liked this

Truth.....while you didn't cause the break-up, there was a connection between the two of you. A bond was beginning to form.

However, his kid's need to understand that had it not been you (and it's good that your story with the man is an otherwise happy ending as far as your relationship with their father), it would have been someone else. Their dad was unhappy in the marriage to their Mom and was reaching out for comfort. Right or wrong, it's a reality.

You cannot force them to want a relationship with your son. Both of the step-kids are old enough to be able to separate a 6-year old child from how YOU came to be in their lives but it's going to be hard for them. They see HIM as an extension of you. 

Do not call them to tell them off. I would honestly write them a letter--each of them--explaining how you feel. Be calm but be honest. And leave it there afterward. The ball will then be in their court.

I am so sorry your son is hurt. He has NO fault in any of this and the poor little guy is confused. You have a right as his Mom to express that in your letter to the step-kids.

I'm sorry, too, that you're being hurt. 

Your husband is in a position that is a shitty one because it requires him to take sides but just what did he expect would happen? 

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:31 AM
I didn't break up their marriage. They had been discussing a separation for a long time, we just met before they formally did it. But because of those texts, the kids think I did it.

And I think it's ridiculous and hurtful that they extend their anger and resentment to an innocent child. How is he not their little brother?
by Ruby Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:32 AM
Unfortunately this is what happens when you talk to a married man, then get together with them as soon as they split.
I don't really blame the kids and I would probably feel the same.

Although I wouldn't think I would treat the sibling poorly over it.
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:35 AM
3 moms liked this

This is what happens when you do what you did.  You can say whatever you want, you should never have been talking to a married man, marriage on the rocks or whatever.  He was married and you should have used your brain, had some pride and left him alone.  He should have not been talking to you, that was wrong and again, say what you want but 9 times out of 10, that helps end a marriage that is going through rough times. 

Stop trying to force the issue, redirect your son.  He is the only one who deserves sympathy and you and your husband can put the blame for this situation directly on your own shoulders.

by Emerald Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:36 AM

You did help end his marriage.  If you hadnt been in the picture during his separation, he might have been focused on other things.  But you were there.  Cant change that now.

You cant force his kids to accept yours.  Its just a fact of life in this life that you created for your son that you are going to have to live with. 

My exs gf tries the same stupid shit.  He cheated on me with her and knocked her up.  And they wonder why his older kids (not mine, from his first marriage) want nothing to do with his gf and their kid.  You cant do something like that and pretend its ok and say "Oh but its not the childs fault..."  True, it isnt his fault, Its yours so when you two get sad about it, go take a look in the mirror.  People arent perfect and the kids have hurt feelings towards the kid.  Doesnt make it right, but you cant change it and pushing will only make it worse. 

by Anonymous 4 on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:36 AM
Personally, I would let it be. You can't really convince them to feel differently than they do or create a bond they aren't interested in.

In terms of your son, I wouldn't touch on the reasons they are hostile to you and him, but instead convince him that it is just due to the age difference and that they are just wrapped up in their own lives. It isn't him, it's them.
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