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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

So my kids don't want to see BM, would you cut contact? Thoughts? *long*

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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1 mom liked this
Dh and I have been married 6 years and together for 8.

When we started dating the kids were 8, 6, and 3. So they are now 16, 14, and 11.

We also have a 5 year old, a 2 year old and a 3 month old.

BM had a drug problem, and was abusive and neglectful. Becuase of this, dh got full custody of the kids. And eventually her parental rights were terminated. And we had already moved in together, so I already had the kids while he was working.

A few months after we got married, they started calling me "mom".

Now, I loved that they felt domfortable calling me mom. It felt great knowing that even though I wasn't biologically their mother, they thought of me as their mother.

And the following year, I adopted the kids.

Since then things have been great.

A year ago BM contacted us. Said she had gotten cleaned up and wanted to see the kids.

Dh and I were fine with her seeing the kids, if the kids wanted to see her. But they didnt. And we werent going to force them.

16 year old dd, and 14 year old ds said that they wanted nothing to do with her at all.

And 11 year old dd said she wasn't sure. That She doesn't remember BM, and wasnt sure if she wanted to meet her. We told her that that was fine, that she could think about it and if she decided she wanted to, then we'd set something up.

BM got pissed that we wouldn't bring the kids. She told dh "well im their mother I have every right to see them and I'll take you to court.".

Dh told her that she was wrong, that the kids have a mother, but it isn't her, and she had no rights since her parental rights were terminated. She wasnt happy, but didnt call again.

Dd11 didnt bring up wanting to see bm at all until 2 weeks ago.

That was when she told me that she wanted to meet her And I contacted BM. She was angry that the other kids didnt want to see her, but wanted to see dd11.


Saturday was when I took her to see her. We were meeting her for lunch.

It was obvious that dd wasnt comfortable. She seemed nervous and antsy. BM was running late and before she got there I told dd that if she started to feel too uncomfortable and wanted to leave, to just let me know. She asked if it would be rude to leave, and I told her that it wouldn't becuase you shouldn't stay in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable.

BM got there, we ate and they were talking.

Then BM started asking her questions and telling her how she needed to take her shopping and out to do all these things and dd seemed pretty upse.

BM asked her "what's the problem? Don't you want to spend time with your mom?"

And dd told her "I don't know.. I don't know you.".

BM demanded to know what she was talking about and went on about how she had to know her becuase she's her mom. And dd told her, "I don't remember you.".

BM got mad, which made dd more uncomfortable, and dd said she wanted to go home. BM said "well then lets go.". Dd looked at her for a minute, and said "I was talking to mom.". Then she looked at me and asked if we could go.

I told her we could.
BM got mad, and I told dd to wait for me up front.

I told BM that she needed to calm down. She said that I needed to stop trying to steal "her" kids from her and stop trying to turn "her" kids against her.

I told her that she needed to calm down, and she demanded to know why "her" kids want nothing to do with her.

I told her that two of MY kids want nothing to do with her becuase they remember how she was, they remember what she did to them, and they remember why she left. And that my other daughter is unsure about her becuase she really DOESN'T remember her. She doesn't remember anything about her.

She looked at me and said "well why doesn't she remember me."

And I told her that she doesn't remember her becuase she wasn't there. I told her that dd wanted
To come today but felt uncomfortable about it becuase she wasn't really sure who she was meeting. She just stared at me.

I went up front and got dd, then we left.

On the way home dd asked me if she had to see BM. I told her she doesn't have to do anything that se doesn't feel comfortable doing, but f she decides she wants to see her again,
I'll make sure she can.

She said she doesn't think she wants to see her again.

When we got home dd16 and ds14 asked how it went, dd11 shrugged and went up stairs.

They asked if it was bad.

I told them that their sister was upset.
And briefly explained what happened.

Dd16 said she shouldve gone.

I asked if she changed her mind about seeing BM and she said "no. But I would've been able to tell her to leave Ali alone.".

When dd11 came back down she said she definitely doesn't want to see BM again, and I told her that was fine.

When dh got home she told him how it went and told him that she doesn't want to see her again.

BM called yesterday morning, ds answered. I didn't know it was her at first. I heard ds say "you upset her, she doesn't want to talk to you.",
And started walking to the living room.

And then "no you're not. My mom is in the kitchen. Please don't call us again.". That was when I knew it was BM, he hung up as I walked in. He said " she wanted to to talk to Ali.". I asked him what else she said and he said that when he told her that dd11 doesn't want to talk to her, she told him not to talk to his mother that way.


We talked to the kids, and none of them want contact with BM at this point. Dh decided to change the home phone so she can't call us, and she's never had our address so she can't come her.

I feel kind of bad. I feel like Maybe I shouldn't have Taken dd, but at the same time, I didn't want to tell her no and have her feel like I was forcing her to never meet her "real
Mom.".

She's ok now though.

Has anyone dealt with anything like this?

Would you just cut contact with BM?

I think it's the right thing, the kids don't feel comfortable talking to her and don't want to see her, and I don't want them to have to feel stressed or worried about it. But I'm kind of second guessing my self here....
obviously I'd never force them to have contact with her. But I'm also worried that cutting contact might make them resent me later on down the road.
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 14, 2014 at 11:58 AM
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Replies (1-10):
km1970
by Platinum Member on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:03 PM

I think the kids have made it clear they aren't comfortable. Just because bm has gotten her life on track, that doesn't mean the kids are going to welcome her back with open arms. In the future if the kids decide they want contact then at that point you can discuss how to proceed. 

TurtleMomma82
by Barbie on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:03 PM

I wouldn't cut off contact, but I would definitely not encourage.  Changing a number is a good idea.  Poor kiddos

MandyJ16
by on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:06 PM
2 moms liked this
Cut your contact with her. Your kids don't want see her and You adopted them she had no rights over them any more there is nothing she can do about it.
HIJKLM
by Ruby Member on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:13 PM
1 mom liked this
This sounds like my relationship with my egg donor. My dad handled it the same way you and DH handled it. I've never resented my dad for his part but I want nothing to do with my BM. I would keep BMs contact info incase any of the kids change their minds but do not push them to interact with her. She may or may not be clean now but she is still toxic and not going to be a positive in your kids lives. As a mom you've got to protect them. GL and know from the eyes of a kid in that position, you're doing the right thing.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:21 PM
Thanks.... I feel like its important.. But I am worried that they might reset me for it later.

Quoting HIJKLM: This sounds like my relationship with my egg donor. My dad handled it the same way you and DH handled it. I've never resented my dad for his part but I want nothing to do with my BM. I would keep BMs contact info incase any of the kids change their minds but do not push them to interact with her. She may or may not be clean now but she is still toxic and not going to be a positive in your kids lives. As a mom you've got to protect them. GL and know from the eyes of a kid in that position, you're doing the right thing.
WinterIsComing
by Gold Member on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:22 PM
Cut contact. She made her choices in the past and she has to live with those choices... her primary concern doesn't seem to be the children, it is herself.

It's not what is best for the kids.
babydsmommy18
by Gold Member on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:23 PM
This.

Quoting WinterIsComing: Cut contact. She made her choices in the past and she has to live with those choices... her primary concern doesn't seem to be the children, it is herself.

It's not what is best for the kids.
rhope4
by Gold Member on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:24 PM
1 mom liked this
Let me say right off that I have NO EXPERIENCE with this type of thing, BUT I think you handled it right. You are leaving that door open should they choose to walk through it, but you are not forcing the issue. I also think there is still something wrong with bm for her to be upset like that. Ulterior motive maybe? Either way, your maternal instincts are going off. Pay attention to them. They are there for a reason.
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littlesippycup
by Ruby Member on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:27 PM

All of that is really sad.

HIJKLM
by Ruby Member on Apr. 14, 2014 at 12:30 PM
1 mom liked this
All you're doing is respecting their wishes. Trust me, they won't blame you. They'll be thankful that you never lied, forced them into something or denied them the opportunity to find out for themselves.

I'm betting they'll seek her out again as they become parents. Don't let this make you feel inferior! My 3 siblings and I all did it. My youngest brother just went through this. It's nothing to do with you but once you feel that love and bond with your own child you need to understand how your mother could not feel the same. Most likely this won't be a good experience for them and they'll need you more than ever.

Just know her "I am mom" shit won't work on them. They know who mom is. If you ever want to talk and get a kids POV feel free to PM me.


Quoting Anonymous: Thanks.... I feel like its important.. But I am worried that they might reset me for it later.

Quoting HIJKLM: This sounds like my relationship with my egg donor. My dad handled it the same way you and DH handled it. I've never resented my dad for his part but I want nothing to do with my BM. I would keep BMs contact info incase any of the kids change their minds but do not push them to interact with her. She may or may not be clean now but she is still toxic and not going to be a positive in your kids lives. As a mom you've got to protect them. GL and know from the eyes of a kid in that position, you're doing the right thing.
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