After many years of repressing memories, I have finally realized that....*trigger*
My sister is 2.5 years older than I am. My earliest memory of her abuse started when I was three. She would strip me down completely naked. She would finger me, kiss me on the mouth, eat me out, and then she would strip herself down and take my hand and make me finger her, she would force me to go down on her, and then she would climb on top of me and hump me. This went on for years, until she started her period. My mom knew about it and did nothing.
This wasn't the only thing she did though. When I was 5 her and her friend made me drink their urine. I refused many times and they pulled my pants down and whipped me with the handle of a fly swatter. I told them to beat me, I wasn't going to drink it. She grabbed my face and opened my mouth and her friend poured their urine into my mouth. I spit it out all over the floor, and my sister grabbed the back of my neck and rubbed my nose in it. And made me clean it up while her and her friend swatted me relentlessly with the handle of the fly swatter.
I again told my mom and she ignored me. I had welts and bruises in the shape of the handle, and my mom still didn't care. That is the point when I stopped trying to tell my mom anything. The point when I started to resent her as a mother and most importantly my protector.
But, again, that isn't where it stopped. My sister made me be her sidekick in everything, so when she was caught she could say it was me and she was just trying to stop me. She tried to get rid of me once. She hiked to the top of a mountain, (really just a big hill) she left me at the top and went home. My mom came home from work and asked where I was and she wouldn't say. Search and rescue found me in the dark at the top of this huge hill, hugging a rock. They also had to come up and get me. Again, I got in trouble. Because when I told my mom that my sister left me up there and it was her idea, she told me I was lying because she was home where she was supposed to be when she got home. I got spanked bad enough it made the threat you won't sit for a week a reality.
When I was 6 we moved in with our great aunt and things were wonderful, my sister left me alone, it was great. The reason we moved is because my little brother, who was 3 got ahold of my moms lighter and lit a bunch of boxes on fire and burned my 2 year old little sister on all of her left side third degree burns, and she stayed at primary children's hospital I. The burn unit for a year and a half. In that year and a half, my great aunt took care of my sister, my brother, and I.
When I was 7 and a half, we moved again into my grandparents house. Where it was a daily occurrence that I got spanked bare bottomed with the handle of a brush, because of my sisters antics. I was back in hell.
When I was 8 we moved into an apartment, at which time my sister and I were home alone together often. And the sexual abuse started up again. 2 years later it stopped because she started her period. Things became normal, or so I thought.
When I was 14 she would threaten me with bs things, that she knew I couldn't prove didn't happen if I didn't do what she wanted me to do. She started taking me to her male friends houses, at which time they would try to have sex with me. I didn't go along with it. I put up a fight, and they backed off. Some of the guys wouldn't try after being told no others would until I kneed them in the groin. When I was 15, her boyfriend wanted me to come over and hot tub with them, again she used threats to get me to go. Her boyfriend took me to his room "to show me a blanket" at which time he tried to kiss me, I told him to leave me alone. And walked out of his room, I told my sister we needed to go and she told me to quit being a baby. I had to change into my swimming suit and my sister told him to show me where the bathroom was, he did and then wouldn't get out of the bathroom. I wouldn't change, so he finally left. I sat in there hoping they would hot tub without me, but they didn't. My sister told me to get my ass out of the bathroom because everyone is waiting on me. So I changed and went to hot tub with them.
In the hot tub my sisters boyfriend wouldn't stop touching me. He untied my swim suit top, he kept running his hand up my thigh. I wanted to die! I kept thinking if I could just hold my head under the water long enough I would die and it would stop happening. Thankfully one of my sisters friends saw what was happening and switched me spots and wouldn't let him near me. I will forever be thankful to her. When we got out of the tub, my sister was angry. I told her I didn't feel well and wanted to go home, she took me and told me I was nothing but a big ass baby, and I would never be able to hang out with her and her friends again. Thank god! I was relieved. But terrified, because what was she going to tell my mom? Surprisingly enough she never told my mom anything.
Her and my mom got into a fight a year later and she moved out, it was heaven! When I was 17 she moved back in. I was terrified. She was 19 and pregnant with her first, and had nowhere else to go. She was pleasant to be around. And then, she invited her ex over, the one who was ll over me when I was 15. The one from the hot tub party, that untied my top, and who wouldn't keep his hands off of me. I saw him sitting on the couch all cozy with my family, and I thought I was going to throw up right then and there. I went downstairs and to my room. My mom promptly followed and told me I was being rude and we had a guest.
I went upstairs. I sat on the couch and I said nothing. He left and both my mom and sister yelled at me for being rude. I went downstairs to my room and listened to music. A few nights later, my mom and step dad went out of town. My sister invited him over to stay the night. I was planning on staying the night at a friends house, but couldn't get ahold of my mom or my sister to let them know, so instead I went home and he was there.
I went to my room, my mom took my locking doorknob so I couldn't lock anybody out, which pissed me off. My sister went to take a bath at 2 in the morning, while her friend was still there. He came to my room as soon as he heard the bath water running, and raped me. I have always thought my sister planned for him to rape me. What confirmed it was a few years ago she started dating him again, and told me that I need to get over myself because he would never have touched me. And I was just jealous that she had him and I didn't.
For those of you who made it through this, thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out, so maybe I can stop thinking about it and move one with my day.