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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

If she wants to be family, why doesn't she act like it? Adoption related.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 138 Replies

We have two young sons.  One is adopted.  After the adoption, the birth family wanted more openness and we complied.  They say that they want us to view them as family.  As time goes on, we are starting to.

Our only concern is that they don't act like they view us as family.  They send holiday cards only to our adopted son.  We don't care whether they acknowledge us, but it hurts our other son's feelings that he is excluded.  

We would not tolerate that from any member of our extended family.  We would be outraged if any of our extended family acknowledged our bilogical son only and excluded our adopted son.  Doubtless the birth family would be, too.  Why do they think it is ok for them to act that way?

ETA:  I opened the Easter card she sent this afternoon.  It was one of those Hallmark cards that says something like "Son,  Thinking of you this Easter day."  She signed it "Mom."   She didn't send a card to our family or to our other son at all.  Does this sound like a woman who loves us?  Showing preferential treatment to one child and ignoring the other doesn't look like love for the family.

Her actions are raising my suspicions.  I am wondering if she has been playing our emotions just to get us to open the adoption and push boundaries back.  If one of our extended family ignored one of our sons and took liberties in addressing the second, we would question their feelings for our family.

I am fixing to call DH at work and tell him about it.  

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 21, 2014 at 10:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
First_One_8_18
by Gold Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 10:37 PM
Have you addressed this with them?
IWantOneMorePlz
by Gold Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 10:38 PM
9 moms liked this

There is no legal reason to keep the adoption open.  If it bothers you so much, close it.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 21, 2014 at 10:38 PM
Talk to them. Adoption can be tricky, with both families not knowing what is expected of them. They may be trying to not step on toes and hurting feelings in the process.
Alyssasmommy412
by Silver Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 10:40 PM

I personally don't think I would have an open adoption, they gave up the their child, but want to be part of the family in ways the suit them. Its not ok for them to do this. Ask them to include your other child or your going to slow down the "openness".

ahappymommy
by Platinum Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 10:43 PM
4 moms liked this

Just close the adoption. I never understood open adoptions anyway, when you give a child up you are handing them over to someone else to raise, not to babysit! You no longer have rights to the child you give up, you dont get to decided what can and cant be done. I say close the adoption before it gets worse!

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 21, 2014 at 10:44 PM

I keep trying to talk to them in a diplomatic way, but it is not working.  I am disappointed that I am going to have to insist that they acknowledge our other son.  I wish they would acknowledge him out of goodwill and inclusion, and not out of obligation and fear that the adoption will close.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 21, 2014 at 10:46 PM
Conversations need to be held about this. But, I guess I think you need to explain to your bio son that his brother will get mail from his other family and that is ok. Both of your kids need to know about the adoption.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 21, 2014 at 10:48 PM


Quoting Anonymous:

I keep trying to talk to them in a diplomatic way, but it is not working.  I am disappointed that I am going to have to insist that they acknowledge our other son.  I wish they would acknowledge him out of goodwill and inclusion, and not out of obligation and fear that the adoption will close.

* out of feelings of goodwill

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 21, 2014 at 10:54 PM

They have our contact information already.  We can't stop them from sending mail.  I am thinking it might have been stupid of me to open the adoption.  :-(

Quoting ahappymommy:

Just close the adoption. I never understood open adoptions anyway, when you give a child up you are handing them over to someone else to raise, not to babysit! You no longer have rights to the child you give up, you dont get to decided what can and cant be done. I say close the adoption before it gets worse!


ahappymommy
by Platinum Member on Apr. 21, 2014 at 10:57 PM
1 mom liked this

Change your address OR start writing Return to Sender and send everything they send back to them, they will get the idea!

Quoting Anonymous:

They have our contact information already.  We can't stop them from sending mail.  I am thinking it might have been stupid of me to open the adoption.  :-(

Quoting ahappymommy:

Just close the adoption. I never understood open adoptions anyway, when you give a child up you are handing them over to someone else to raise, not to babysit! You no longer have rights to the child you give up, you dont get to decided what can and cant be done. I say close the adoption before it gets worse!



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