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My ex sent my son away from dinner and left him in his room on easter, I'm furious

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
My kids got home from his house this morning and told me this, and I talked about it with him.

Basically, my 10yo daughter said when they sat down to Easter dinner at 3, after church, my 5yo son was restless and cranky. Usually, when he's like that with me, threatening no dessert does the trick. She said he was whining about the food and not liking it, but their step mother is a health nut and the menu sounded gross, my daughter didn't like it either.

My daughter said my ex walked over to my son after he called something gross, leaned into his face and said that if he moved a muscle or said one more rude thing through the rest of dinner, he'd be asked to leave the table until he could "behave like a good kid". My son burst into tears and my ex took him to his room and said that when he could behave, he could come back to the table.

My daughter said my son cried for two hours, and all my ex did was shut the door so they could eat peacefully. When he didn't stop crying, my husband wouldn't let him join the egg hunt, and he cried himself to sleep without dinner. My ex didn't give him his Easter basket and when he came home this morning and his sister had hers, he teared up again and said "I didn't get one, mama".

I called my ex furious but he stood by it and just said "you don't get to tell me what to do with my kids at my house". I'm so heartbroken my son had such a bad holiday that he looked forward to for so long, and that he saw his sister and step siblings get presents while he sat in his room and cried.

This isn't a custody issue and I can't take it to court, but he was so rude to me on the phone and I don't trust him with his "discipline" tactics. Does anyone have any advice?
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 22, 2014 at 1:55 PM
Replies (251-260):
AnHpuresugar
by Ruby Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 6:19 PM
1 mom liked this
I have sent my kids to their room during their birthday party because they had a melt down. They didn't want to miss the fun, calmed themselves down and came out and apologized.

I think he was given enough initial warning before he was sent to his room. He isn't cognitively impaired is he?

Kids live up, or down, to the expectations we have for them.

Further discussion is pointless. I will not agree with your view of this situation and your arguments are not remotely persuading me to your point of view.

Quoting Mommaca:

Its not very black/white. Imagine yourself, if you did something wrong, would you prefer your parent talk about it to you or in front of everyone? Imagine parenting a teenager, they would rebel and not listen. At the end, its not about your actions, its about teaching them a lesson and learning from it. So yes, every situation is different and it should deliver the goal you want. I'm sure as a parent his child missing Easter was not what he wanted and I'm not sure how much the child learnt. But by giving him a consequence and explaining the hurt his SM would feel, he may have gotten an apology out of it and a child who was well fed. 

Quoting AnHpuresugar: Good grief. A child needs to be disciplined regardless of the other people around. You are being ridiculous. A time out is not authoritarian. It is a break for the child to get himself together. Your son refused to calm down or be respectful.

You are not helping him. Your ex will parent as he sees fit and there isn't much you can do about it. It is always such a nightmare when parents can not compromise for the benefit of their children.

Quoting Mommaca:

Yes when all his cousins are around yes. I'm not saying "dont give him a timeout", but when he sees that parent rarely and hes punishing him in front of the "whole world" I dont expect him to calm down, it doesnt make logical sense to me. I usually take my child away from the situation so he can listen to me w/out feeling the stress and I explain to him and give him 2 choices - eat the food (in this situation) or no egg hunt. The childs making a choice there, its authoritative Vs Authoritarian parenting.

Quoting AnHpuresugar: He sent him from the room until he could behave. Dramatic much?

Quoting Mommaca:

My point being reinforce does not mean locking him in a room. Good parenting is a combination of consequence (thats not extreme in the circumstances) and having a good conversation talking about it at the end of it. 

Quoting AnHpuresugar: Yes, children are not always polite. It is our job as parents to reinforce appropriate behavior. Most kids get it rather quickly if there isn't someone telling them that they don't have to follow the same rules.

Quoting Mommaca:

We all have children who arent polite all the time. No reason to spoil a whole weekend for it. 

Quoting AnHpuresugar: It was one meal. He could have tried the food and been polite. Sounds like you baby him a lot. You aren't doing him any favors.

lenashark
by Ruby Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 6:19 PM
2 moms liked this

My six year old eats healthy food and knows better than to be so rude. He isn't a robot, he's just learned some manners in the past six years.

Quoting Anonymous: He's 5. I don't expect him to love healthy food or be perfectly polite all the time. Apparently my ex does and will punish like this when he's not a robot.
Quoting Anonymous: Maybe he'll learn how to eat at the table and not be disrespectful. Your daughter didn't like the menu either but she wasn't rude about it.


Mommaca
by Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 6:20 PM

Same back.

Quoting AnHpuresugar: I have sent my kids to their room during their birthday party because they had a melt down. They didn't want to miss the fun, calmed themselves down and came out and apologized. I think he was given enough initial warning before he was sent to his room. He isn't cognitively impaired is he? Kids live up, or down, to the expectations we have for them. Further discussion is pointless. I will not agree with your view of this situation and your arguments are not remotely persuading me to your point of view.
Quoting Mommaca:

Its not very black/white. Imagine yourself, if you did something wrong, would you prefer your parent talk about it to you or in front of everyone? Imagine parenting a teenager, they would rebel and not listen. At the end, its not about your actions, its about teaching them a lesson and learning from it. So yes, every situation is different and it should deliver the goal you want. I'm sure as a parent his child missing Easter was not what he wanted and I'm not sure how much the child learnt. But by giving him a consequence and explaining the hurt his SM would feel, he may have gotten an apology out of it and a child who was well fed. 

Quoting AnHpuresugar: Good grief. A child needs to be disciplined regardless of the other people around. You are being ridiculous. A time out is not authoritarian. It is a break for the child to get himself together. Your son refused to calm down or be respectful. You are not helping him. Your ex will parent as he sees fit and there isn't much you can do about it. It is always such a nightmare when parents can not compromise for the benefit of their children.
Quoting Mommaca:

Yes when all his cousins are around yes. I'm not saying "dont give him a timeout", but when he sees that parent rarely and hes punishing him in front of the "whole world" I dont expect him to calm down, it doesnt make logical sense to me. I usually take my child away from the situation so he can listen to me w/out feeling the stress and I explain to him and give him 2 choices - eat the food (in this situation) or no egg hunt. The childs making a choice there, its authoritative Vs Authoritarian parenting.

Quoting AnHpuresugar: He sent him from the room until he could behave. Dramatic much?
Quoting Mommaca:

My point being reinforce does not mean locking him in a room. Good parenting is a combination of consequence (thats not extreme in the circumstances) and having a good conversation talking about it at the end of it. 

Quoting AnHpuresugar: Yes, children are not always polite. It is our job as parents to reinforce appropriate behavior. Most kids get it rather quickly if there isn't someone telling them that they don't have to follow the same rules.
Quoting Mommaca:

We all have children who arent polite all the time. No reason to spoil a whole weekend for it. 

Quoting AnHpuresugar: It was one meal. He could have tried the food and been polite. Sounds like you baby him a lot. You aren't doing him any favors.






Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 22, 2014 at 6:20 PM

My kids may not like some of the things I cook but they will NOT be rude little brats about it.  And yes I have a 5 year old.  I'm siding with dad because I don't reward bad behavior either.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 22, 2014 at 6:22 PM
Where does it say he sees him rarely? For all we know, he has 50/50 custody and this has been an ongoing issue.

Quoting Mommaca:

At 5, you dont throw a tantrum for hours unless someones not "listening". They arent evil, its more for a deeper reason - wanting attention or maybe he needs a consequence for not liking some food. Yes I would "listen" more deeply to my child than ruining a holiday for him. Also, if I met him very rarely, I'm sure his son would be willing to do anyting for his daddy if only his daddy explained it to him. Its very hurtful to a small child when a dad he sees rarely is SO disappointed in him. SO yes, there is a difference in parents who see their children rarely Vs every day. 

 Quoting Anonymous:

So he should coddle his child bc it was a holiday & bc he doesn't have his child every single day?  I don't think so.  No wonder kids from broken homes know how to seriously manipulate their parents, so many let them do it!

No children aren't adults, but at 5 they know how to not be rude and disrespectful.  The child did NOT calm down, he CHOSE to throw a tantrum for hours so there is no explaining anything to a child that behaves that way.  The child also didn't just simply spit the food out (which is rude), he wouldn't stop whining about it.  Rude & disrespectful.

So you let your child throw a tantrum in front of everyone?  I don't think so, our children go to other rooms or if they have misbehaved time out.  I don't get how you just think a child should be able to throw a tantrum in front of everyone.

Quoting Mommaca:

I think theres a line b/w right and wrong and carrying it too far. He probably did more damage to his son here than help. While this would be acceptable on any day, the kid still remembers after the weekend visit that he didnt get a basket. Children arent adults, I wish I had the guts to spit out food I didnt like, they're just very honest at that age! Sometimes parenting is not about deprivation and punishing, its about explaining it to them after they calm down. And yes, if hes shut in a room, seperated from *everyone*, I dont see how any child would calm down. It doesnt seem like intelligent parenting.

Quoting Anonymous:

What was harsh?  Sending a child to their room is harsh?  Telling them they can come out when they  have calmed down & can behave is harsh?  When the poor behavior continues not allowing the child to take part in the egg hunt is harsh?

Wow, yup now I get why so many kids misbehave these days.  So much coddling.

Quoting Anonymous:

I think it was very harsh punishment for a 5 year old. Your ex needs some parenting classes.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 22, 2014 at 6:23 PM
You are doing your children a disservice by finding a list of excuses for bad behavior. He wouldn't have lost his second easter basket if he had made better choices.

Where he was, who was there and how often he sees his noncustodial parent are all entirely irrelevant to appropriate and respectful behavior.

Quoting Mommaca:

The OP said there were siblings and cousins and to a child thats his whole world. It is dramatic to him to lose an Easter basket IMO. In joint custody, you do not see a parent at dinner every day. Very less likely.

Quoting CABZS:

I'm going w/the other poster, dramatic much?

First I didn't read anywhere that says this father rarely sees his dad.  I also didn't read anywhere that this kid was punished in front of the whole world.  He was sent to his room, that isn't punishing in front of the whole world.

My children when they were younger acted up at functions like egg hunts, if they didn't straighten up they didn't take part.  Did they cry the whole time then? Probably, I guess they should have behaved then.

He was taken away from the situation & it was explained to him that when he calms down & can behave he can come out.  The child chose not to calm down

Quoting Mommaca:

Yes when all his cousins are around yes. I'm not saying "dont give him a timeout", but when he sees that parent rarely and hes punishing him in front of the "whole world" I dont expect him to calm down, it doesnt make logical sense to me. I usually take my child away from the situation so he can listen to me w/out feeling the stress and I explain to him and give him 2 choices - eat the food (in this situation) or no egg hunt. The childs making a choice there, its authoritative Vs Authoritarian parenting.

Quoting AnHpuresugar: He sent him from the room until he could behave. Dramatic much?

Quoting Mommaca:

My point being reinforce does not mean locking him in a room. Good parenting is a combination of consequence (thats not extreme in the circumstances) and having a good conversation talking about it at the end of it. 

Quoting AnHpuresugar: Yes, children are not always polite. It is our job as parents to reinforce appropriate behavior. Most kids get it rather quickly if there isn't someone telling them that they don't have to follow the same rules.

Quoting Mommaca:

We all have children who arent polite all the time. No reason to spoil a whole weekend for it. 

Quoting AnHpuresugar: It was one meal. He could have tried the food and been polite. Sounds like you baby him a lot. You aren't doing him any favors.

Leissaintexas
by Platinum Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 6:24 PM
1 mom liked this
Thats the problem, you don't expect it. His dad expects him to behave and you don't. Y'all need to have some serious talks about discipline and you need to start expecting proper behavior from your 5 yr old.
Quoting Anonymous: He's 5. I don't expect him to love healthy food or be perfectly polite all the time. Apparently my ex does and will punish like this when he's not a robot.

Quoting Anonymous: Maybe he'll learn how to eat at the table and not be disrespectful. Your daughter didn't like the menu either but she wasn't rude about it.
AnHpuresugar
by Ruby Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 6:24 PM
Okay. Whatever.

Quoting Mommaca:

Same back.

Quoting AnHpuresugar: I have sent my kids to their room during their birthday party because they had a melt down. They didn't want to miss the fun, calmed themselves down and came out and apologized.

I think he was given enough initial warning before he was sent to his room. He isn't cognitively impaired is he?

Kids live up, or down, to the expectations we have for them.

Further discussion is pointless. I will not agree with your view of this situation and your arguments are not remotely persuading me to your point of view.

Quoting Mommaca:

Its not very black/white. Imagine yourself, if you did something wrong, would you prefer your parent talk about it to you or in front of everyone? Imagine parenting a teenager, they would rebel and not listen. At the end, its not about your actions, its about teaching them a lesson and learning from it. So yes, every situation is different and it should deliver the goal you want. I'm sure as a parent his child missing Easter was not what he wanted and I'm not sure how much the child learnt. But by giving him a consequence and explaining the hurt his SM would feel, he may have gotten an apology out of it and a child who was well fed. 

Quoting AnHpuresugar: Good grief. A child needs to be disciplined regardless of the other people around. You are being ridiculous. A time out is not authoritarian. It is a break for the child to get himself together. Your son refused to calm down or be respectful.

You are not helping him. Your ex will parent as he sees fit and there isn't much you can do about it. It is always such a nightmare when parents can not compromise for the benefit of their children.

Quoting Mommaca:

Yes when all his cousins are around yes. I'm not saying "dont give him a timeout", but when he sees that parent rarely and hes punishing him in front of the "whole world" I dont expect him to calm down, it doesnt make logical sense to me. I usually take my child away from the situation so he can listen to me w/out feeling the stress and I explain to him and give him 2 choices - eat the food (in this situation) or no egg hunt. The childs making a choice there, its authoritative Vs Authoritarian parenting.

Quoting AnHpuresugar: He sent him from the room until he could behave. Dramatic much?

Quoting Mommaca:

My point being reinforce does not mean locking him in a room. Good parenting is a combination of consequence (thats not extreme in the circumstances) and having a good conversation talking about it at the end of it. 

Quoting AnHpuresugar: Yes, children are not always polite. It is our job as parents to reinforce appropriate behavior. Most kids get it rather quickly if there isn't someone telling them that they don't have to follow the same rules.

Quoting Mommaca:

We all have children who arent polite all the time. No reason to spoil a whole weekend for it. 

Quoting AnHpuresugar: It was one meal. He could have tried the food and been polite. Sounds like you baby him a lot. You aren't doing him any favors.

furbabymum
by Platinum Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 6:24 PM
1 mom liked this

 Well I don't know about the rest of you but when I cook something my kid better not be making nasty comments about it. My DS knows he's welcome to eat the parts of the meal he wants but he started saying "gross" and I'd have a problem. My kid is 3 btw. I work hard to provide them with home cooked meals and by God they may not have to like them but they WILL appreciate what goes into them. They show that appreciation by not making comments about how gross they find it.

So yeah, I see nothing wrong with what the dad did. In fact I'd probably have assumed my DS was way too over tired to be participating in events if he had a complete meltdown and had to be sent to his room. 2 hours of crying seems like a bit much and I would have gone in to check on him and to attempt to reason with him but yeah, I would have left him until he calmed down. You can't reason with a child in meltdown. They aren't reasonable.

Quoting Anonymous:

 Yes a child is making a comment about something that he thinks is gross and then starts crying when yelled at? I don't see any of this as bad behavior. And not only was he sent to his room for the night with no dinner but he was not allowed to participate in the other Easter activities and also did not get an Easter basket... If you think that a 5 year old deserved all that I feel very very sorry for your kids.

Quoting Anonymous:

What was harsh?  Sending a child to their room is harsh?  Telling them they can come out when they  have calmed down & can behave is harsh?  When the poor behavior continues not allowing the child to take part in the egg hunt is harsh?

Wow, yup now I get why so many kids misbehave these days.  So much coddling.

Quoting Anonymous:

I think it was very harsh punishment for a 5 year old. Your ex needs some parenting classes.

 

 

 

sita5184
by Bronze Member on Apr. 22, 2014 at 6:27 PM
1 mom liked this
I think that is a good idea. That is a harsh punishment for a five year old, especially seeing as he was sent from the table for basically being upset about getting in trouble.


Quoting Anonymous: I already gave him one from me last week, but that's a good idea.

Quoting Anonymous: That's just cruel. I would make him a basket and say the bunny left it at your house and he hid it in his room
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