Here is the last post, if you don't know what is going on, there are links to my other posts and a summary.
I can't believe that I have put all of this information out there but I did it because I needed a safe place to vent and get unbiased advice. It really did help me to post here and read all the helpful and kind words that some of you had to say.
I have decided to update you all on what is going on after almost a month of him being back home.
He came home March 27th, brought all his stuff back the next day.
I will not say it's been easy at all. I have had quite a few breakdowns. Mostly when he is at work. That is a big trigger for me, since I know how much he would talk to her during his work hours.
Basically, we are doing well. We are going on dates, we are communicating, we have had many, many difficult conversations.
Let me see if I can summarize what he has told me about his relationship with her.
She showed interest in him, he was surprised that someone could still see him like that. She was new, they got to know each other, they talked about little stupid things. They also talked about how he was feeling unhappy (things he should have told me) and she would urge him to leave me. She would say things like if he was unhappy that he should leave.
That is all that I care to say about her. I am trying to compassionate towards her still. I do pray for her. She is a person who is so messed up and knew she was talking to a married man. Ugh. Moving on now.
So how am I doing with this? Well, sometimes good, sometimes bad. I have chosen to forgive him (mostly for myself, also based on his actions and words, mostly actions though). I thought that forgiveness would be easy. IT IS NOT. I am having a very hard time dealing with this a whole lot of the time. When he is home, it's easy. We are talking, holding hands, etc. I have full access to his phone, his computers, everything. But when he is gone, it's a different story. Like I said, when he goes to work, things are really hard. He works in the same town that she lives in. He works with her brother. It would be so easy for him to contact her or choose to see her (he met her once, knows where she lives). I am struggling with having faith that he is not doing that.
I keep having dreams about her (and him). My knowledge is limited but my mind is fine with coming up with all kinds of stuff to fill in those gaps.
I have asked him so many things. And he has told me so many things about what they talked about and why he chose this path. I have asked everything I can ask. (This is for anyone reading this who says he has to have slept with her. NO. I do think that it would have progressed to that. I am thankful that I found out before that point.) I really do believe and trust that he has told me anything and everything that he can.
I don't think I can fully express everything that has happened or the emotions involved.
I will say that it's painful. I can't let it go even though I want to. I am scared all the time. I am scared he will leave again, that someone else will show him that attention, that he will get overwhelmed with our life. It's a very scary way to live.
BUT he is being an open book, he is not communicating with her, he is showing me attention and affection, he is calling and texting me when he isn't here, he is doing everything right. I pray that one day, I won't worry or question. That one day, I won't want to check to cell phone web site to check on him. That I will finally feel secure again.
So, I guess that is all. I am happy to answer any questions you all might have. I am having a hard time summarizing things.