Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

My daughter is so angry at me :( I don't know how to make this right.

Posted by Anonymous
  • 803 Replies
1 mom liked this
My daughter is 22 and graduating from college this year. She's done very well and she received the highest grade in her independent studies project, which the professor said was one of the best he's ever read. Her school throws a small awards ceremony/reception for people who receive these grades/have high GPAs. She invited me to come and I was so excited to go.

Her brother is 19 and is autistic. I'm his caregiver day in and day out. I hired a sitter with a nursing background to watch him because I knew he wouldn't be able to quietly behave at the reception, but when I started to go leave, he began having a violent meltdown. Long story short, I couldn't leave him and I missed the ceremony. I was so upset :(

I called my daughter after it was all over to apologize and what I started to explain she just went "ya, ya, it's always f-cking about him mom, believe me, I've got that by now". When I tried to cut in she just started to cry and list off everything I've ever had to miss or hold her back from or disappointed her with because of her brother. I was so flabbergasted and heartbroken.

She hasn't answered my calls or texts in days, and she didn't show up at Easter after saying she would, which sent her brother into a meltdown since he was expecting her, but I guess that was a taste of my own medicine. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could go back in time and make it right. Do any of you mamas have any advice?

Update June 7: she didn't answer my texts or calls for days, and now will answer texts with short replies but not initiate them or call me. She has spoken to her brother since, but only for a minute on the phone. Her graduation ceremony was last week and she didn't invite me, but invited her boyfriend's parents and posted a photo online with his mom, with the caption "thankful to have this mama always there for me (heart)". When I asked her about it, she sounded snappy and said "why would I have invited you? You wouldn't have bothered to come." She was going to come home for two weeks between graduation and starting a summer job, but went on a trip instead, and when I asked her if she was still planning to move home in September, she just said "no, not a chance" and wouldn't talk further about it. While it's not about him at all, my son is so upset her sister, who he adores, isn't coming home to visit or live again. And she's right. I was never able to go to her sports games or school events or field trips or to do things with her. I was almost always too tired and busy with her brother to even spend quality time with her at home. The few times I can remember trying to her brother wouldninterrupt or an emergency would come up and it was he thrown off. I'd never thought of it but I wasn't there for her ever and I feel terrible about it now.

I feel like I've lost my daughter and she doesn't want me back. My heart is broken for her, for my son and for me.
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:15 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:18 AM
101 moms liked this
I don't have an autistic child so I have no idea what you go through, but I can understand her being upset.
It sounds like she's had to bite her tongue and deal with missing out on a lot because of him. It's very understandable that she's angry right now.
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:20 AM
214 moms liked this
You should have just gone. That's why you hired someone with a nursing back ground, to handle your son. He would have gotten over the meltdown. Are you going to miss the whole rest of your life because your adult son can't handle being alone?

I agree with your daughter.
by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:20 AM
9 moms liked this
I don't understand what it's like to have an autistic son or daughter but I do feel bad for her and you. Sounds like it's been a rough ride. Sorry 😔
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by Anonymous 4 on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:20 AM
3 moms liked this

aww i am sorry this must have meant a lot to her and she is probably really hurting . I would hurt to if my mom could not be there and was always missing stuff because of another sibling while she probably understands at times its just you only get this chance once and she did so well ..Maybe give it a few days let her cool off not sure how can fix it other then saying sorry maybe take er out to a nice dinner?

by Anonymous 5 on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:20 AM
34 moms liked this
No I feel bad for your daughter I don't blame her at all for being upset. Why should she always feel like she takes second place to her brother? I wouldn't blame her if she completely quit having contact with you and your son.
by Anonymous 6 on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:21 AM
16 moms liked this

Sounds like you've spent far too long coddling the brother, and didn't make time for wonder she's mad at you....right now, there isn't anything you can do or say to her -- she's upset with you.  What you should do is try to make a plan with her for a lunch date or something, and talk things over...

by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:21 AM
56 moms liked this
Honestly I can't say that I blame her for being upset. She's been pushed aside and taken second place to her brother her entire life and she's had enough. She probably feels like she has been "punished " for not having special needs. I'm sure I'll get bashed for that and people are going to say that your daughter is selfish and needs to grow up and be more understanding but that's okay.
by on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:22 AM
46 moms liked this
Try putting him in an adult program once or twice a week at first and slowly break him into being without you for a little while. So the next time you can go to something for her
by Laura on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:23 AM
19 moms liked this
I understand why she is angry and feels hurt, she feels less important than him. But I also understand that it's not your fault but that doesn't make it any easier or less hurtful to her. I'm sorry you are going through this. Is there any way at all that you can find him a caregiver for a few days and try to take her on a special trip, or even just a day and do a spa day to make it all about her? Good luck, I hope you can repair this. :(
by Anonymous 7 on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:23 AM
15 moms liked this
Sorry but I agree with your daughter. She should not always get the short end of the stick because of her brother. Way to go mom. You let your daughter down big time.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)