Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

My daughter is so angry at me :( I don't know how to make this right.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
My daughter is 22 and graduating from college this year. She's done very well and she received the highest grade in her independent studies project, which the professor said was one of the best he's ever read. Her school throws a small awards ceremony/reception for people who receive these grades/have high GPAs. She invited me to come and I was so excited to go.

Her brother is 19 and is autistic. I'm his caregiver day in and day out. I hired a sitter with a nursing background to watch him because I knew he wouldn't be able to quietly behave at the reception, but when I started to go leave, he began having a violent meltdown. Long story short, I couldn't leave him and I missed the ceremony. I was so upset :(

I called my daughter after it was all over to apologize and what I started to explain she just went "ya, ya, it's always f-cking about him mom, believe me, I've got that by now". When I tried to cut in she just started to cry and list off everything I've ever had to miss or hold her back from or disappointed her with because of her brother. I was so flabbergasted and heartbroken.

She hasn't answered my calls or texts in days, and she didn't show up at Easter after saying she would, which sent her brother into a meltdown since he was expecting her, but I guess that was a taste of my own medicine. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could go back in time and make it right. Do any of you mamas have any advice?

Update June 7: she didn't answer my texts or calls for days, and now will answer texts with short replies but not initiate them or call me. She has spoken to her brother since, but only for a minute on the phone. Her graduation ceremony was last week and she didn't invite me, but invited her boyfriend's parents and posted a photo online with his mom, with the caption "thankful to have this mama always there for me (heart)". When I asked her about it, she sounded snappy and said "why would I have invited you? You wouldn't have bothered to come." She was going to come home for two weeks between graduation and starting a summer job, but went on a trip instead, and when I asked her if she was still planning to move home in September, she just said "no, not a chance" and wouldn't talk further about it. While it's not about him at all, my son is so upset her sister, who he adores, isn't coming home to visit or live again. And she's right. I was never able to go to her sports games or school events or field trips or to do things with her. I was almost always too tired and busy with her brother to even spend quality time with her at home. The few times I can remember trying to her brother wouldninterrupt or an emergency would come up and it was he thrown off. I'd never thought of it but I wasn't there for her ever and I feel terrible about it now.

I feel like I've lost my daughter and she doesn't want me back. My heart is broken for her, for my son and for me.
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:15 AM
Replies (551-560):
by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 4:43 PM
Poor dd. She will never come first. Don't be surprised when she never invites you to anything again. I agree you need to start looking into some kind of respite care a couple times a week.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by Anonymous 122 on Apr. 26, 2014 at 4:51 PM

I can't blame her for being upset. I would just let her calm down and chill out. She is probably trying to collect her thoughts and she might just want to be alone for a little bit. to just take a breather. It's hard being second place all the time. She will call you or text you when she is ready just give her some time. Honestly you should have just went, that's why you got someone to watch him. Couldn't you have taken him with you? 

by Anonymous 123 on Apr. 26, 2014 at 4:51 PM

You have TWO kids. His needs are not more important than hers.

I feel so sad for her. 

by Anonymous 124 on Apr. 26, 2014 at 4:58 PM
I get it. I have an autistic son. I have to 'deal' with him constantly and yes the other kids do have to wait. He is disabled and there's nothing I can do about it. My other children feel the same. They feel they suffer because of him. It's always harder on siblings than anyone. She's letting it all out right now. Which is fine. Give her time.
by Anonymous 125 on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:06 PM

lots of kids have meltdowns, not just children with autism - you said he has a sitter with a nursing background - you should have left - eventually he would have calmed down or gotten tired - what does a "melt down" look like? do you always cater to it, because if you do, it reinforces the behavior and he learns that if he behaves like this, he will get what he wants which is not acceptable whether it's a child with autism or a typical kid -  I honestly feel for your daughter who made a great accomplishment and you weren't there - you apparently have never given her the attention she needs - why do you have a nurse instead of someone with a special education background?  When a child tantrums in my class they are basically left alone (unless the behavior is unsafe or harmful) until they calm down and it doesn't take that long for them to learn that the behavior has no effect whatsoever on me or my staff and it stops- I teach special ed btw so I know about autism and tantrums and it sounds like you have been catering to his behavior for 19 years

by Shell on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:07 PM
My oldest son is autistic and i can tell you i would have left and gone to her thing. You can not stop your world everytime he has a meltdown.
by Anonymous 124 on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:09 PM
2 moms liked this
Lack of tolerance all around.
by Misty on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:13 PM
1 mom liked this
The world may not have ended, but her relationship with her mother may have.

Quoting KairisMama: I get her being upset, but it's time to get over it. The world has not ended.
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:14 PM

i feel bad for your daughter, one of my sons is autistic and i'm afraid that my other son will end up getting the short end, i'm doing everything so he knows it isn't all about his older brother. i'd giver her some time then go out just you and her and make it about her. get a sitter who know how to deal with special needs (we have disability services here who has a list of sitters like that during the summer some steps, the class for kids with specail needs, teachers are on it to make a little extra money) and if he starts to have a melt down get him a little calm and then go. i know it is hard but they should be able to calm him down or he might bounce back. i know it is hard always was when we left our son at his grandparents and he would always throw one. make the whole day about her what ever she wants and if the sitter handles him fine try and do it when ever you can. i do it with my youngest ( he's 4 atm) and he never gets jealous of his brother needing a little more attention.

by Anonymous 24 on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:21 PM

The only I advice I have is for the daughter: She should start throwing tantrums. It seems to be the only way to get her mother's attention.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)