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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

My daughter is so angry at me :( I don't know how to make this right.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
My daughter is 22 and graduating from college this year. She's done very well and she received the highest grade in her independent studies project, which the professor said was one of the best he's ever read. Her school throws a small awards ceremony/reception for people who receive these grades/have high GPAs. She invited me to come and I was so excited to go.

Her brother is 19 and is autistic. I'm his caregiver day in and day out. I hired a sitter with a nursing background to watch him, but when I started to go leave, he began having a violent meltdown. Long story short, I couldn't leave him and I missed the ceremony. I was so upset :(

I called my daughter after it was all over to apologize and what I started to explain she just went "ya, ya, it's always f-cking about him mom, believe me, I've got that by now". When I tried to cut in she just started to cry and list off everything I've ever had to miss or hold her back from or disappointed her with because of her brother. I was so flabbergasted and heartbroken.

She hasn't answered my calls or texts in days, and she didn't show up at Easter after saying she would, which sent her brother into a meltdown since he was expecting her, but I guess that was a taste of my own medicine. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could go back in time and make it right. Do any of you mamas have any advice?

Update June 7: she didn't answer my texts or calls for days, and now will answer texts with short replies but not initiate them or call me. She has spoken to her brother since, but only for a minute on the phone. Her graduation ceremony was last week and she didn't invite me, but invited her boyfriend's parents and posted a photo online with his mom, with the caption "thankful to have this mama always there for me (heart)". When I asked her about it, she sounded snappy and said "why would I have invited you? You wouldn't have bothered to come." She was going to come home for two weeks between graduation and starting a summer job, but went on a trip instead, and when I asked her if she was still planning to move home in September, she just said "no, not a chance" and wouldn't talk further about it. While it's not about him at all, my son is so upset her sister, who he adores, isn't coming home to visit or live again.

I feel like I've lost my daughter and she doesn't want me back. My heart is broken for her, for my son and for me.
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 25, 2014 at 9:15 AM
Replies (561-570):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:21 PM

The only I advice I have is for the daughter: She should start throwing tantrums. It seems to be the only way to get her mother's attention.

tansyflower
by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:24 PM
2 moms liked this
Quoting Anonymous:

lots of kids have meltdowns, not just children with autism - you said he has a sitter with a nursing background - you should have left - eventually he would have calmed down or gotten tired - what does a "melt down" look like? do you always cater to it, because if you do, it reinforces the behavior and he learns that if he behaves like this, he will get what he wants which is not acceptable whether it's a child with autism or a typical kid -  I honestly feel for your daughter who made a great accomplishment and you weren't there - you apparently have never given her the attention she needs - why do you have a nurse instead of someone with a special education background?  When a child tantrums in my class they are basically left alone (unless the behavior is unsafe or harmful) until they calm down and it doesn't take that long for them to learn that the behavior has no effect whatsoever on me or my staff and it stops- I teach special ed btw so I know about autism and tantrums and it sounds like you have been catering to his behavior for 19 years



Not just a meltdown, a violent meltdown. Have you ever had a grown man attack you? Because that is what the poor nurse would have faced all by herself. Had the mom left the worker could have gotten seriously injured. Even if the mom could afford regular respite and had a regular caregiver that doesn't mean he wouldn't have melted down. When it comes to your child's safety and the safety of others sometimes it just has to come first. Is it fair? No. Not to any single person in the situation. But you have to accept that sometimes things in life happen and you learn from it and move on.
scoutfamilyof7
by Silver Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:32 PM

I don't have any autistic kids or siblings, however, I feel her pain. I no longer speak to my parents or my siblings. Long story short my mom and dad invested so much time in my sisters than they ever did with me. My mom has missed a lot of great things in mine and my kids lives because my sisters and thier families were more important. If and when they visit us it is just a pit stop to my sister. They have never ever come to visits just for my family. When my daughter was hit by a car and in the PICU they were at my sisters house 8 hours away, my dad dropped everything and was on the rosa that second, but my mom couldn't pry herself away from my sister and her kids. I have dealt with this all my life finally I said enough is enough. If we are not that important to her than I am separating myself from the hurt. Please, for your relationship with your daughter figure out a way to make her feel loved and important. She needs you more than you think she does, she will get tired of the pain and block you from her life, trust me. It only took me 40 years of constant tears and my heart aching to finally be free and happy. Sorry so long, good luck.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:41 PM

of course you don't want to put anyone in danger - however I still think she has been catering to his behavior since he was a young child - did she ever have a specialist in behavior therapy work with him through the public school system it would have been at no cost to her - or had a regional center been involved when he was a young child?  Did she prepare him in anyway for the event?  This just sounds like nothing has been done for this teen to help him deal with his emotions in a constructive way - I have dealt with violent kids (kids that have thrown chairs, biting, kicking, punching)- it is not impossible - and had it been enforced since he was a young child, she probably wouldn't be in the situation she is now - don't get me wrong, I do feel for her and it sounds like she hasn't recieved the help that she was entitled to from the very beginning, for which she is not at fault - but I also feel for her daughter, who it sounds has never been given the attention she should have had either - Is the daughter an adult? Yes and should she be able to understand about her brother, of course, but everyone has their breaking point - I hope that she simmers down and is able to forgive her mom.

Quoting tansyflower:
Quoting Anonymous:

lots of kids have meltdowns, not just children with autism - you said he has a sitter with a nursing background - you should have left - eventually he would have calmed down or gotten tired - what does a "melt down" look like? do you always cater to it, because if you do, it reinforces the behavior and he learns that if he behaves like this, he will get what he wants which is not acceptable whether it's a child with autism or a typical kid -  I honestly feel for your daughter who made a great accomplishment and you weren't there - you apparently have never given her the attention she needs - why do you have a nurse instead of someone with a special education background?  When a child tantrums in my class they are basically left alone (unless the behavior is unsafe or harmful) until they calm down and it doesn't take that long for them to learn that the behavior has no effect whatsoever on me or my staff and it stops- I teach special ed btw so I know about autism and tantrums and it sounds like you have been catering to his behavior for 19 years

Not just a meltdown, a violent meltdown. Have you ever had a grown man attack you? Because that is what the poor nurse would have faced all by herself. Had the mom left the worker could have gotten seriously injured. Even if the mom could afford regular respite and had a regular caregiver that doesn't mean he wouldn't have melted down. When it comes to your child's safety and the safety of others sometimes it just has to come first. Is it fair? No. Not to any single person in the situation. But you have to accept that sometimes things in life happen and you learn from it and move on.


Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:42 PM

You're never going to meet/be involved with your grandchildren when you have them. Stop fucking coddling your adult son. There ARE resources out there to help. Wtf have you been doing this whole time?

anewlynn
by Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:44 PM

This for me.  It sounds like a compromise that will make everyone happy.  Your son will learn about the outside world for the time when you may not be there for him due to death or disability.  Your daughter will get to spend Mommy/me time that she has been craving.  You will get a better relationship with your daugher and you will get some breathing space for yourself.  

Hopefully you can make it better for all three of you.  I have never walked in your shoes though so have not idea what you are truly going through.

Good Luck!   :-)

Quoting Anonymous:

Use this situation as a stepping off point in re-establishing a relationship with your daughter.  Subconsciously she knows that you did not miss the event on purpose and subconsciously she doesn't blame you.  She is just voicing years of frustration.  Search for, and find, respit care and take time to be with your daughter.  Just the two of you, one on one.  You may even enlist her help in locating care with the end result being that the two of you can have some time.  

Get reliable respit care for yourself as well!  You cannot continue to be the ONLY care giver for your son.  It is not healthy for you, for him, or for your relationship with your daughter.


ViDAL081013
by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:49 PM
You giving into his violent meltdown,is only going to make him think everytime will be the same. She has every right to be upset.
katyusha42
by Metal Kitty on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:49 PM
I see a lot of could've, should've, would've responses in this thread and honestly none of those will help you deal with the situation you have now. You need to look forward at things you can do in the future to avoid this happening again.

I don't have experience with autism or violent meltdowns with adult children but I would assume there are programs out there that cab help you deal with this. Good luck mama.
tansyflower
by on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:53 PM
Quoting Anonymous:

of course you don't want to put anyone in danger - however I still think she has been catering to his behavior since he was a young child - did she ever have a specialist in behavior therapy work with him through the public school system it would have been at no cost to her - or had a regional center been involved when he was a young child?  Did she prepare him in anyway for the event?  This just sounds like nothing has been done for this teen to help him deal with his emotions in a constructive way - I have dealt with violent kids (kids that have thrown chairs, biting, kicking, punching)- it is not impossible - and had it been enforced since he was a young child, she probably wouldn't be in the situation she is now - don't get me wrong, I do feel for her and it sounds like she hasn't recieved the help that she was entitled to from the very beginning, for which she is not at fault - but I also feel for her daughter, who it sounds has never been given the attention she should have had either - Is the daughter an adult? Yes and should she be able to understand about her brother, of course, but everyone has their breaking point - I hope that she simmers down and is able to forgive her mom.

Quoting tansyflower:
Quoting Anonymous:

lots of kids have meltdowns, not just children with autism - you said he has a sitter with a nursing background - you should have left - eventually he would have calmed down or gotten tired - what does a "melt down" look like? do you always cater to it, because if you do, it reinforces the behavior and he learns that if he behaves like this, he will get what he wants which is not acceptable whether it's a child with autism or a typical kid -  I honestly feel for your daughter who made a great accomplishment and you weren't there - you apparently have never given her the attention she needs - why do you have a nurse instead of someone with a special education background?  When a child tantrums in my class they are basically left alone (unless the behavior is unsafe or harmful) until they calm down and it doesn't take that long for them to learn that the behavior has no effect whatsoever on me or my staff and it stops- I teach special ed btw so I know about autism and tantrums and it sounds like you have been catering to his behavior for 19 years



Not just a meltdown, a violent meltdown. Have you ever had a grown man attack you? Because that is what the poor nurse would have faced all by herself. Had the mom left the worker could have gotten seriously injured. Even if the mom could afford regular respite and had a regular caregiver that doesn't mean he wouldn't have melted down. When it comes to your child's safety and the safety of others sometimes it just has to come first. Is it fair? No. Not to any single person in the situation. But you have to accept that sometimes things in life happen and you learn from it and move on.



Her son is a grown man. Do you really think resources were available for early intervention that long ago? Be real, you know they were not. Nowadays it is so different...they make leaps and bounds with new therapies all the time. But that wasn't the case 20 years ago. Hell even now it can be pulling teeth and costs thousands of dollars to help your child....if you live in a place where you can even get help.

I refuse to judge this woman who has been dealt a very shitty hand. At that moment she had to do the right thing. As much as I am sure it broke her heart she had no other choice unless she decides to put him in a facility. And no offense but a grown man is different than a child to restrain. I have had a 200 plus pound developmentally disabled adult male attack me and it took 5 people to pull him off me and 3 armed police officers to properly retrain him and have him transferred. I doubt you have ever had that same situation in your classroom.
Thomas_11
by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2014 at 5:54 PM
Unfortunately life isn't fair. You might have to get used to never being close to your daughter. Unfortunately your sn kid needs to be taken care of more than your able bodied adult daughter.

Sucks but she just has to get over that.You have to be prepared for her to be hurt for a long time.

I don't know your finances so you might be limited in what you can afford. Try to find a disablity services. Your local department of human services or 211 will probably have a few you can look into. They might be able to pay for respite care or adult day care.



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