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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I feel like I'm about to relapse

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 42 Replies
Before I got pregnant with my son I was a party going outgoing person. I had fun, I had a "you only live once" attitude before it was "cool" I made stupid decisions and didn't care about the outcome.

I truly believe getting pregnant saved my life. Sure I was 19, and a borderline alcoholic (my sister may have said I was already there.) I drank in the morning, in the evening, all day. Not everyday, but mostly weekends. I did drugs, weed, coke, bath salts, x a few times, almost got hooked on meth, my drug of choice was coke but I mostly did bath salts. Never did acid, shrooms, cracked or heroin though.

I feel like I'm losing myself lately depressed, anxious, and a bunch of mixed emotions. I feel like I left myself go . Even though I've lost weight since being pregnant, but still not to my pregnancy weight and about 25 pounds away from my desired weight.

I breastfeed. And I haven't had the desire for any drugs until recently. My baby is almost a year (less than a month away) and I just been feeling like trash. I use to constantly clean and probably had a mild for of OCD. now, I just stare blankly at the mess piling up in my house. If I'm not staring at my growing stomach or reminiscing about the past.

I also been feeling like my marriage is falling apart . We don't talk like we use to, we barely get intimate, barely touch each other, and he sleeps on the couch like 90% of the time.

I'm quick to anger, I feel like I'm taking it out on our son. Who just learned to crawl and is trying to walk, but all day I feel like I stay in bed getting fat. I want to go out and walk around, but the only time I get the urge to get out is when I run out of cigs and I walk to the nearest and only side shop to pick up a pack.

I feel like I'm losing my mind and have no one to talk to. I told my Dh I wanted to talk to a therapist bur he got offended asking me why can't I talk to him. I Se it as if it that was working in the first place I wouldn't be here right now venting to complete strangers on the web, probably about to lash off on me about my poor choices.


I know it's selfish to my family and especially my son if decide to turn back to drugs, but I feel like back then I was happier , and calmer and could handle stress better. I've always had anxiety and idk why it's suddenly coming back intensely but it worries me that I might make a bad decision and I don't want to put my son is harms way. I though maybe I should wean? But I like the closeness and I feel like of I do wean I'd have no point to stay sober. So I'm fighting my ass off to stay clean but it's killing myself inside. Idk what to do anymore and I feel like I'm losing my mind...
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:48 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Melissa0741
by Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:51 AM
1 mom liked this
Have you had any type of treatment? Do you go to aa or na meetings? Do you have a sponsor? If not, those are all great places to start! If so, call your sponsor and go to as many meetings as you can and TALK about those feelings. Chances are other people have been in the same boat and will have advice for you.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:52 AM
1 mom liked this

Don't take this the wrong way and please don't get offended, but you sound like you might be bi-polar? I am and have some of those things happen to me. just a thought....

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:53 AM

You need a therapist really to talk about everything you can to a neutral party whom does not judge like a husband would.   At least talk to your general physician about these feelings of possible relapse and they hopefully can help you get somewhere safe to receive treatment.   I am guessing you never went through a treatment for addiction to start with so your body/brain has not been reset to a "healthier" way of coping.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:54 AM
You can do it momma! Look how far you already came. Don't you remember how bad withdrawals made you feel? You got through that already. You little man needs you. You can do it for him. just take a deep breath and relax. You have to be motivated for your ds.
DensHag
by Gold Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:55 AM
Please ask your Dr...anxiety and depression can be helped. Self medicating with illegal drugs are NOT the solution. Please trust me on this.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:55 AM
I've had treatment for anxiety and depression in the past. When I was pregnant my psychiatrist prescribed me medication because I had a mental breakdown when I was living with my mom and my Dh was in school in another state . I also was in a hospital for 3 weeks when I was 19

Quoting Melissa0741: Have you had any type of treatment? Do you go to aa or na meetings? Do you have a sponsor? If not, those are all great places to start! If so, call your sponsor and go to as many meetings as you can and TALK about those feelings. Chances are other people have been in the same boat and will have advice for you.
lovinmybabe
by Bronze Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:56 AM
This.

Quoting Melissa0741: Have you had any type of treatment? Do you go to aa or na meetings? Do you have a sponsor? If not, those are all great places to start! If so, call your sponsor and go to as many meetings as you can and TALK about those feelings. Chances are other people have been in the same boat and will have advice for you.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:56 AM
I've nm had a doctor tell me that when I was 19. But when I was 20 they said I had borderline personality disorder

Quoting Anonymous:

Don't take this the wrong way and please don't get offended, but you sound like you might be bi-polar? I am and have some of those things happen to me. just a thought....

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:56 AM
Your correct I never had treatment for drugs because in the past Noone knew I was abusing. I kept to myself and usually quit cold turkey

Quoting Anonymous:

You need a therapist really to talk about everything you can to a neutral party whom does not judge like a husband would.   At least talk to your general physician about these feelings of possible relapse and they hopefully can help you get somewhere safe to receive treatment.   I am guessing you never went through a treatment for addiction to start with so your body/brain has not been reset to a "healthier" way of coping.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:57 AM
There are also legal designer drugs. He Se I mentioned bath salts. But I feel those are less pure and have worst effects.

Quoting DensHag: Please ask your Dr...anxiety and depression can be helped. Self medicating with illegal drugs are NOT the solution. Please trust me on this.
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