I truly believe getting pregnant saved my life. Sure I was 19, and a borderline alcoholic (my sister may have said I was already there.) I drank in the morning, in the evening, all day. Not everyday, but mostly weekends. I did drugs, weed, coke, bath salts, x a few times, almost got hooked on meth, my drug of choice was coke but I mostly did bath salts. Never did acid, shrooms, cracked or heroin though.
I feel like I'm losing myself lately depressed, anxious, and a bunch of mixed emotions. I feel like I left myself go . Even though I've lost weight since being pregnant, but still not to my pregnancy weight and about 25 pounds away from my desired weight.
I breastfeed. And I haven't had the desire for any drugs until recently. My baby is almost a year (less than a month away) and I just been feeling like trash. I use to constantly clean and probably had a mild for of OCD. now, I just stare blankly at the mess piling up in my house. If I'm not staring at my growing stomach or reminiscing about the past.
I also been feeling like my marriage is falling apart . We don't talk like we use to, we barely get intimate, barely touch each other, and he sleeps on the couch like 90% of the time.
I'm quick to anger, I feel like I'm taking it out on our son. Who just learned to crawl and is trying to walk, but all day I feel like I stay in bed getting fat. I want to go out and walk around, but the only time I get the urge to get out is when I run out of cigs and I walk to the nearest and only side shop to pick up a pack.
I feel like I'm losing my mind and have no one to talk to. I told my Dh I wanted to talk to a therapist bur he got offended asking me why can't I talk to him. I Se it as if it that was working in the first place I wouldn't be here right now venting to complete strangers on the web, probably about to lash off on me about my poor choices.
I know it's selfish to my family and especially my son if decide to turn back to drugs, but I feel like back then I was happier , and calmer and could handle stress better. I've always had anxiety and idk why it's suddenly coming back intensely but it worries me that I might make a bad decision and I don't want to put my son is harms way. I though maybe I should wean? But I like the closeness and I feel like of I do wean I'd have no point to stay sober. So I'm fighting my ass off to stay clean but it's killing myself inside. Idk what to do anymore and I feel like I'm losing my mind...