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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

When do you just give up?

Posted by on Apr. 27, 2014 at 1:47 PM
  • 27 Replies
DH and I were talking this morning about some upcoming plans for a bar b que in which he joking asked if we have to invite my brother. It brought up a discussion about how much we really dislike him. One of the reasons my husband really can't stand him is how he treats his wife. He talks down to her, often very sarcastically. We've heard him call her stupid and mock her, he says terrible things about her family in front of the kids. Everything they do is about what he wants. They only do things with his friends, vacation where he wants, do things that involve his interests. The kids are really rude and disrespectful to her as well because they see him act that way so now they do it. She allows it. Then he blames her for their constant poor behavior.

A few months back there was a bit of a blow up and we all defended her. My mom spoke up and had a talk with him that he really shouldn't speak to her the way he does. He told her to " mind her own fucking business" lovely. So then my other brothers and I called SIL and just said if she needs anything let us know. That we think he needs help and we are here for her and we'll help them both in anyway we can because this situation won't end well

Well she totally turned it on us, called her dh ( my brother) and said we told her he should leave him. NOT EVEN CLOSE to what we said!!!!

So basically in talking about it my DH was saying it's her problem. That she allows herself to be treated that way. He's not physically abusive but to me it's emotional abuse. He's not saying it's her fault but he feels if she's going to allow it and not only not accept help, but turn on those who try to help well basically " F her" her problem, not ours. I see what he's saying, and honestly she's done some not so nice things to me but I can't help but feel bad for her at the same time. My dh says though I shouldn't feel bad if she's choosing to be in this situation and why do I feel bad for someone who is dishonest and fake to me?

I feel torn. It doesn't effect my life so I shouldn't care or let it bother me but part of me just can't help to feel bad for someone who is clearly so unhappy that it's like she's just given up defending herself ( though she never defended herself in the first place). As a whole they are really manipulative and selfish people, him outwardly and her in a sneaky two faced way. My dh says he wishes I'd just wash my hands of them to a point. But I guess I feel like how can I do that to family whether I like what they do or not?

When do you just give up on someone that is family? Stop trying to help and just move on?
by on Apr. 27, 2014 at 1:47 PM
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Replies (1-10):
SKM1119
by Gold Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 1:51 PM
It's sounds like the family has said their piece and she doesn't want help. I wouldn't say give up. Keep her close. You want her to be able to come to you if she decides she needs help.
suzanneyea
by Ruby Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 1:53 PM

About now you give up.

Sparkler16
by Gold Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 1:54 PM
If she doesn't want help that's fine. But she could have said do instead of telling us " omg I know it's awful he needs anger management. Thank you so much!!!" And then twisting and turning it to him saying we said to leave him. No on said that. That's being a manipulative liar.

I've given up on offering help. Especially since I've learned her true colors as well. But I guess I'm worried about my nieces and nephew.

Quoting SKM1119: It's sounds like the family has said their piece and she doesn't want help. I wouldn't say give up. Keep her close. You want her to be able to come to you if she decides she needs help.
MilkLover0203
by Platinum Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 1:55 PM
No way I'd allow that shit in my house. If she allows herself to be treated that way, it wouldn't be under my roof. He wouldn't be allowed at my house in general.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 27, 2014 at 1:56 PM
1 mom liked this

You need to set an example for your own family - and not put yourself in a asituation where your brother is able to act like an abusive ass in front of your family or friends.   Let your kids know that the way your bro behaves is not acceptable and will not be encouraged or enabled by you.

As for his wife, she seems so beaten down that she cannot mentally or emotionally make that break or do anything about it.  She needs help as do their kids.  Unfortunately all you can if she refuses - is be there to pick up the pieces when she needs you.  And it will happen,

SKM1119
by Gold Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 1:56 PM
You have to understand if she is being abused, even emotionally, she is not thinking right. I would not identify this as her true colors. It is difficult to sit by and watch but the best you can do is be an ear and her lifeline.

Quoting Sparkler16: If she doesn't want help that's fine. But she could have said do instead of telling us " omg I know it's awful he needs anger management. Thank you so much!!!" And then twisting and turning it to him saying we said to leave him. No on said that. That's being a manipulative liar.

I've given up on offering help. Especially since I've learned her true colors as well. But I guess I'm worried about my nieces and nephew.

Quoting SKM1119: It's sounds like the family has said their piece and she doesn't want help. I wouldn't say give up. Keep her close. You want her to be able to come to you if she decides she needs help.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 27, 2014 at 1:57 PM
I agree with your husband.
Seagodess
by Platinum Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 1:59 PM

I would suggest leaving the door open to both of them for help if they need it, but still distance yourself. You dont have to invite them to every bbq or event out of just obligation. If you do decide to invite them, tell them straight up that you wont put up with the verbal abuse he speaks to her in your house, so if he comes he has to behave or he will have to leave.

Sparkler16
by Gold Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 1:59 PM
That's how my husband feels. He doesn't want our kids seeing how he speaks to people or anyone of our guests feeling uncomfortable because my brother acts like an asshole. It's embarrassing.

Quoting MilkLover0203: No way I'd allow that shit in my house. If she allows herself to be treated that way, it wouldn't be under my roof. He wouldn't be allowed at my house in general.
Sparkler16
by Gold Member on Apr. 27, 2014 at 2:00 PM
I think you are 100% right. Thank you very much!!!!

Quoting Anonymous:

You need to set an example for your own family - and not put yourself in a asituation where your brother is able to act like an abusive ass in front of your family or friends.   Let your kids know that the way your bro behaves is not acceptable and will not be encouraged or enabled by you.

As for his wife, she seems so beaten down that she cannot mentally or emotionally make that break or do anything about it.  She needs help as do their kids.  Unfortunately all you can if she refuses - is be there to pick up the pieces when she needs you.  And it will happen,

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