So my kids father killed himself years ago. Not sure it has ever gotten better since then. There isn't much a day that goes by without my thought of it as well and just how angry I become when I realize, it's not just that I am leaving my kids without a mom, but without ANY parent, two who just left them.. and I wonder if that in return would make the kids do it too. Hate me? I get so angry at this thoughts, like why did he go first? WHY because it's like I can't now no matter what, I can't be that person, maybe first as terrible as it sounds but yeah. I know I need help, help doesn't help. I'm depressed for so long now. And yes I want to die most of the time but the terrible things my children would feel kills me enough. I still can't sit here and tell the world I won't do it eventually. But what kind of life am I leaving the kids open to knowing their parents left them willingly. I hate this. I hate life so much. I needed a major, major vent. This is all I have been thinking about lately. I am raged and jealous that the bastard left us first, left me to rot here with this child and this life that I do not want, left me to rot on earth and forced to live even when I don't want to because I can't leave my children completely alone.