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What is expected of me as a SAHM??

Posted by on May. 9, 2014 at 6:08 AM
  • 67 Replies

I wanted other's opinion on the topic, to see if I'm just overreacting or my feelings towards the situation are...normal and justified. I'm not talking about my "job description" such as cook, clean, raise the kids. I get that. I mean more as a a human, really.

My husband has two jobs; he sets up tents for special occassions and he's also a mover. With this type of job there isn't a set schedule...they are just done when they are done. That aspect alone is tough, but tolerable. I feel invisible and unnoticed a lot. He will go all day without talking to me, usually up until dinner time when I'll text him asking if he is almost done (so I am able to coordinate dinner with his arrival.) MAYBE he'll send me a quick "Hi" text, but it's usually during the kids' and I's nap time. It's more of a "there, I acknowledged you today," type text more than anything...nothing meaningful.

When we first got together he worked in a kitchen. We use to talk, or text all throughout the day, so I felt acknowledged and loved. I understand he has to work and he can't give me all of the attention in the world, but I don't think it's impossible for him to take some time to say hi, thinking about you, love you, miss you during his breaks. He works long hours, so I'd say I'm "alone" 90% of the time, with no one to talk to besides the kids. I've tried mommy groups and it's just not really my thing....the moms my age tend to still hold on to their younger years more than I do, so we've always kind of not been able to bond.

I feel unappreciated and unloved. I constantly have this conversation with him and it'll be good for literally one day and then be back to nothing. He works with friends so I feel kind of left out that he doesn't really take the time to talk to me. Is this kind of thing expected for SAHM's? Am I just being unresonable? I find myself wanting to leave alot because I'm so tired of being I'm trying to figure out if I'm just a whiny-cry-baby or if this isn't how things usually are for stay at home moms.

baby development

by on May. 9, 2014 at 6:08 AM
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by *Claire-Bear* on May. 9, 2014 at 6:16 AM
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I don't know honey...I'm a SAHM, but Dh works from home. That said, even though we are both home, that does not mean I see him or talk to him. I will take him his lunch as he is normally on conference calls and he will come down to see the girls when they get home from school, but as far as I go? We don't text or anything during the day unless I am out of the house and I'm asking him a question about something. 

I wish I had some advice for you. The only thing I can tell you is to keep talking. He will eventually understand that you need more than what he is giving you. 


" I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 

by *Angelicious* on May. 9, 2014 at 6:29 AM
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What does you being a sahm have to do with him texting/calling you throughout the day?

I don't really talk to my dh until he gets home from work. We will occasionally text during his lunch break, but I know he's focused on rehearsing and doing trainings so I leave him be during work hours.
by Platinum Member on May. 9, 2014 at 6:33 AM
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It sounds as if you are really lonely and looking to your husband to fill that void during the day.  I have been there!  While a mommy group may not be the right fit for you, keep looking for social outlets.  Maybe through playgroups for your child(ren) or activities at your community center.

by Silver Member on May. 9, 2014 at 6:35 AM
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thats a tough one. i know how he feels. when i was with my ex, he stayed with ds and i worked. i couldnt call/text him a lot because i was at work. i understand a text at lunch or during a break would make you happy. tell him that. it comes across as you wanting constant attention which he cant do while working.
by All the makeup on May. 9, 2014 at 6:37 AM
Dh works a lot too.... In fact he's been out of town for 2 weeks so far....we used to text a lot too when we were first dating, now hardly at all....except a bit more now that he's out of town.

How long have you been married? I find the constant texting thing is just a part of the "infatuation" phase.....doesn't mean he loves you less when he finally decides he needs to be more productive at work!
by Anonymous 1 on May. 9, 2014 at 6:40 AM
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I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It takes very little time for him to call you on a break and check in and see how you are doing or to ask about the kids. My husband calls me AT LEAST once a day and we text throughout the day too, at least 10 times a day. Sometimes - when he's busy - it's just something small like a love heart, and other times we'll have a full-on sms conversation. Those messages mean a lot to me, they say "I'd rather be home with you" or "I'm not there but I'm thinking about you" and without them I would feel the same way you feel.

That said, maybe he's not in a position to provide that for you right now. Having 2 jobs is tough. Parenthood is tough, even for the non stay at home parent. He might truly just be exhausted and just getting through each day. So, rather than hassling him about something that he truly might not be able to deal with right now. I would have a quick conversation about it, and then focus on trying to find other people (mum's maybe or other family members) who could help you feel less lonely during the days. I don't mean you should suck it up and not tell him your expectations or talk about your needs, just that it doesn't do anyone any good to argue all the time about something that should be a kindness. And besides, if you argued about it all the time, and then he did it, you would just feel like it was out of obligation and not because he cares for you.

by spitfire_bobbie on May. 9, 2014 at 6:42 AM
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Unless dh is super busy he usually calls and texts me throughout the day but he works in a machine shop with 8 other guys and it's a pretty relaxed environment. He usually comes home for lunch since he works 3 minutes away but I'm going to the city with my mom today so he will be on his own. It doesn't bother me on the days I don't hear from him until he gets home though. That just means he's busy.
by Ruby Member on May. 9, 2014 at 6:44 AM
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My husband works .08 miles from home. I see and talk to him at lunch and then when he gets home. Otherwise nothing. He is working not out with the guys. That is true if I were working as well--I don't need to hear from him to feel loved--I'm too old for that BS
by Bronze Member on May. 9, 2014 at 6:47 AM
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While he may not verbally express it, I'm sure he appreciates all that you do for him and I'm sure that he is happy that you are able to stay home and raise your child instead of having the baby with a stranger. I know everybody needs gratitude and to feel appreciated every once and a while but just know that whether he says it or not, I'm SURE he appreciates all you do for him. Especially since he works 2 jobs, there's no way he would be able to do it on his own. And just know that your little one appreciates all the time she gets to spend with her momma.

Every situtation, and every man is different. Some are good at expressing emotions and gratitude while others are not. Tryin speaking to him another time, maybe on a day when he hasn't been working all day and see what happens.

by Anonymous 2 on May. 9, 2014 at 6:52 AM
Some people do though and its not immature to ask for what you need in a relationship. If her love language is words of affirmation or quality time, she feels most loved when she's acknowledged.

OP, how is he when he comes home? Do you also feel a void there? My guess is you do or it wouldn't be such a big deal that he doesn't acknowledge you during the day.

Quoting Isaacsmom913: My husband works .08 miles from home. I see and talk to him at lunch and then when he gets home. Otherwise nothing. He is working not out with the guys. That is true if I were working as well--I don't need to hear from him to feel loved--I'm too old for that BS
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