I get so sad when I see mothers openly breastfeeding in public.
I know it's stupid and irrational.
When I had ds I had such a hard time breastfeeding and became so overwhelmed I hated having him around me. I was prolonging taking my bipolar medications so that I could bf for at least a week, but things were getting bad with my hormones, my mood, my blood pressure and the pressure of bf-ing that I decided to get a bottle and take my meds.
While my sister was fully supportive, my father told me "a real mother can feed her child the way nature intended, mother's instinct just takes over." My ex's mother told me I was terrible for not bf-ing and threatened to call cps on me because I wasn't, until my sister flipped on her and kicked her out of the room. Even the nurse was really snotty because I asked for a bottle. My sister ended up having to ask the charge nurse to come in to speak to her about the nurse's behavior.
Having ds was a difficult experience and not a happy one at all. A huge portion of that was the pressure and feeling of failure regarding breastfeeding.
Now, whenever I see a woman happily bf-ing all those feelings come back plus envy. I wish I could let it go, my son is healthy and happy now. Whether he was bf or ff really doesn't matter, but I missed that joy of bringing a baby into the world and bonding with them like other moms have.