Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

What Being Submissive Means....To Me

Posted by on May. 26, 2014 at 12:46 AM
  • 56 Replies

Seeing the posts about women being submissive had me thinking, so I decided to take my own advice and state what it means, to me. I know not everyone will agree, and that is fine. Some are more submissive, some will never be, you have to do what works for you. This will be kind of long.

My husband and I decided to live in what is called a Taken in Hand (TiH) relationship. There are some aspects of the relationship dynamic that we do not follow, and some that we do, and I will address that. Google it, learn something while you are at it.

He is the man of the house. He is bread winner, he is the one in charge. If there are decisions that need to be made, most of the time, I go with what he chooses. If he wants food, I get up and make it for him. If something needs to be done, I do it. I cater to him, pretty much. If there is medical reason, such as now while I am on bed rest, I don't, because it is not safe for me to do so. He doesn't get angry, or say anything about it. He actually gets upset that I over do it. Of course, overdoing it to him is not waking him up after only four hours of sleep to change the two year old's diaper or let the dogs out, but he is getting the fact that I am not going to have him do every little thing. I can do stuff, but not much. Anyway, I digress.

If for any reason, I disagree with a decision he is making, I say so. We have a discussion about what the decision is, why he feels the way he does, why I feel the way I do, and come to a conclusion that works. Any major purchases have to have mutual agreement. Any life altering decisions have to have mutual agreement. I still very much have a voice, and I use it regularly. If I do something without discussing it with him first, an argument does not insue. It is addressed, but never with anger. With most TiH relationships, the husband could choose to punish the wife, including spanking for misbehavior, not for sexual excitement or gratification. We do not include this aspect of TiH in our relationship. We chose not to.

He is in no way controlling me, and at any point, I have all the power. I know it may not seem like it to anyone that does not understand the dynamic, but I do. At any time, I can tell him that this is not working, I no longer want to live under the TiH dynamic, and that from now on, everything will be discussed and I will not just agree with him. That ends it right there. But I don't want to. I am very happy with the way we live, I am satisfied in every aspect of our marriage, and in the three years since we got married we have been in two arguments. Neither lasted longer than a few minutes, usually with me separating myself from the situation and coming back when we were both calmer to discuss the issue like adults, not screaming children. 

Like I already said, I know this dynamic is not for everyone. I know that not all relationships are the same as ours, just like not all people are the same as us. I am a firm believer that you find what works for you and you do it. My way works for me, your way works for you. Any questions are welcome, and I am sure the bashing will start as well. I will answer any questions you ladies have, I am open with my relationship dynamic anyway. There may be things I am not covering without realizing it.

by on May. 26, 2014 at 12:46 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on May. 26, 2014 at 12:52 AM
Ooooo kkkkkkkk
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on May. 26, 2014 at 12:53 AM
4 moms liked this

Mobile Photo

Heisenberg
by on May. 26, 2014 at 12:54 AM

Whatever works for you.

syanmomie
by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM

Oh yes, we are. I don't pretend to be less than him, and he never treats me like I am. He has said more than once that this family would fall apart without me, that he wouldn't know what to do with himself, and honestly because of his health being as bad as it was when I came in the picture and then forcing him to get medical attention, he would be dead.

Quoting Anonymous:

Mobile Photo


myflowerasd
by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2014 at 12:56 AM
If this is what makes you and your dh happy then more power to you. 😊
booaura
by Gold Member on May. 26, 2014 at 12:58 AM
Whatever works for YOU and YOUR relationship. There is NO one size fits all, and what works for you, may not work for anyone else. What works for me may not work for anyone else. We all have to figure out what works.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on May. 26, 2014 at 1:02 AM
submission for us is in a conflict you submit to his final say after all sides were heard and considered. No one should ever be hurt or bullied to a resolution its merely a conflict resolution. If your not listened to, if your hurt or talked down its abuse not submission.
syanmomie
by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2014 at 9:23 AM

Exactly! As I said, no two relationships are the same, just as no two people are the same.

Quoting booaura: Whatever works for YOU and YOUR relationship. There is NO one size fits all, and what works for you, may not work for anyone else. What works for me may not work for anyone else. We all have to figure out what works.


syanmomie
by Bronze Member on May. 26, 2014 at 9:27 AM

Yes, and there is a huge difference. I have been in an abusive marriage, and the two don't even compare. I did what my first husband said out of fear. I do not fear my current husband at all. My first thought fear was a powerful tool, but respect is much more powerful at making a marriage work. For us, the respect we show each other has kept us very happy all this time and will continue to. My first husband tested me like I was less than him. I have never felt that way with my current husband. 

Quoting Anonymous: submission for us is in a conflict you submit to his final say after all sides were heard and considered. No one should ever be hurt or bullied to a resolution its merely a conflict resolution. If your not listened to, if your hurt or talked down its abuse not submission.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on May. 26, 2014 at 9:30 AM
I guess it's submission week on CM. This is a cool deviation from the norm.

Submission wouldn't work for my wife or I. But if it works for you and your spouse, then do your thing.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)