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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I'm not sure how much longer I can let it go on.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 49 Replies
1 mom liked this
We just moved to my hometown a month ago. We're in an upscale area, but the folks are very "country." Dd16 doesn't really "fit in" at her school because she refuses to step outside her comfort zone and talk to kids that aren't into the "scene" thing... including the neighborhood kids who've come by to see if she would like to join them in riding the 4-wheelers, which she loves to do.

Instead, she'd rather hide in her room, listening to Black Veil Brides, Pierce the Veil, and other scream-o stuff.

To top it off, she's started seeing this boy.

Actually, let me backtrack:

A month ago, when they first met at school, she asked if they could hang out. Being the tomboy I was in high school, all my friends were guys. Dd is the same way. I let them go up to her room to listen to their music (he's one of the scene kids, too) and play video games, and told them to keep the door open.

This boy came over throughout the next 3 weeks, but barely says hi to anyone. He heads up to her room before she's even headed toward the stairs. I just figured he's awkward or shy.

Well, last weekend, dd informed us that they've actually been "going out" for a week. She knows that ANYONE she wants to date is supposed to come to our house for dinner, we learn about him/her (although she's not into chicks, we keep an open mind), and we have a nice meal, then discuss rules so that there is no misunderstanding, then we have dessert.

She was visibly upset when she told me, so I asked her what was wrong. She asked me if I was mad. I told her that I wasn't, but I was disappointed that she lied to us. She apologized, then said that her boyfriend (this boy, who turns out to be 18 since March) asked her to not tell us they were dating.

I told her that I would talk to dh, and let him know. He was pissed. I calmed him down and explained that we needed to be rational about this. We told dd that she needed to invite her boyfriend to dinner.

So, he comes to our house the other day. Dd and I were preparing the dinner, and the boy headed up to her room. I asked him to please stay downstairs, and motioned to the dining table. He wouldn't even look at me. He starts texting someone. I asked him how his summer is going, and got no response. I told dd to go occupy her company, and she tries to get him to play video games with her downstairs. I hear him whisper to her, "we can go play them in your room." I look over, and he's staring at me.

At this point, I want to pop a buckshot in him.

I said, "I would appreciate it if the two of you stay downstairs, because rules have changed now that you're not just friends. [Dh] will be here in a minute, and we can have dinner." I had my "customer service" tone.

We sit down, we have dinner, and this boyfriend barely says a word... He asked dd for the pepper. Dh asked him about his interests, but we got a, "I like doing stuff." Hubby asks, "oh? Fishing? Biking? Skateboarding?" and is met with a "Not really."

So, dinner is finished. I say we'll have dessert after our chat. We move to the couch for a discussion about rules. No going to bedrooms. Dd's bedroom is right next to the staircase, so they can hear us coming up the stairs to check on them. They're more than welcome in the living room, den, mancave, and theater room. If they're going to meet up somewhere (dd walks 3 minutes to the mall), then we need to know about it. Nobody sneaks in or out of our house. Dd's bedtime is midnight, when we go to bed, and it would be appreciated if boyfriend would respect that by not calling or texting.

The whole time, her boyfriend is sitting there with a smirk on his face, and actually chuckled at one point... But never said a word. We asked if he had any questions, and he just wrinkled his face and shook his head.

I went to get after-dinner tea and dessert, and he stands up. I think he's going to come help me. Instead, he heads straight out the front door, then texts dd to meet him at the mall (but we don't know this).

I ask dd what was going on, and she said he was probably just really scared. I asked what he's scared about (genuinely confused). She says that he's from a different culture (he was born in America, but his parents are from India) and maybe that's why he's so scared.

I thought, "ok. I see."

Well, the kid hasn't been back to our house since. Dd is constantly going to meet up with him, but he refuses to come to our house. When I asked her why he doesn't come here anymore, she said she doesn't know... He says he just doesn't want to.

I get the feeling this kid is up to something, and I don't like it. I tried to be understanding that it could be how he was raised by people of a different culture, and kind of know a little about it since my cousin has been married to 3 men from India, Pakistan, and Yemen. But, I just get the feeling that this kid is up to no good with my daughter, and I don't want it to continue, but I don't want to push her to him even more.

What do I do?
Posted by Anonymous on Jun. 15, 2014 at 3:46 PM
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Replies (1-10):
OwlNuggets
by HAIL NUGGY! on Jun. 15, 2014 at 3:49 PM
1 mom liked this

Uh, I dunno....But my husband is EXTREMELY anti-social and would resent any forced contact with a parent when we were teenagers. You probably forced him out of his comfort-zone and he isn't interested in hanging out in the open parts of the house...My husband is still, to this day, the same exact way.

Not saying you're in the wrong or justifying HIS behavior, but it does explain why he doesn't want to hang out there anymore.

ttriddick
by Gold Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 3:51 PM
I think your hands are pretty tied unfortunately. I mean, you could say no more seeing him, but it may drive her to want more from him. I have no advice, so here is a bump.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 15, 2014 at 4:07 PM
The den, mancave, and theater room all have doors that shut, they're off on the other side of the house, and are soundproof... But the doors are glass french-style, and we have an intercom system in our home that allows us to hear what is going on in the soundproof rooms (for safety)... but the button lights up green when someone is listening.

I get the feeling that it's more about him not wanting us to be able to walk by and see what he's up to. :/

Quoting OwlNuggets:

Uh, I dunno....But my husband is EXTREMELY anti-social and would resent any forced contact with a parent when we were teenagers. You probably forced him out of his comfort-zone and he isn't interested in hanging out in the open parts of the house...My husband is still, to this day, the same exact way.

Not saying you're in the wrong or justifying HIS behavior, but it does explain why he doesn't want to hang out there anymore.

my4kids274
by Platinum Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 4:08 PM

Bump for later.  I have to go and fix dinner now. 

OwlNuggets
by HAIL NUGGY! on Jun. 15, 2014 at 4:10 PM
2 moms liked this

This is less about him and how much you trust your daughter in this situation. I'd personally allow them to go ahead and continue to hang out in the bedroom but I'd instill a cracked-door policy and I would definitely check on them periodically and sporadically just to make sure they knew you were always around so hanky-panky would come at GREAT risk to them. I'd rather compromise so my daughter stayed in MY neck of the woods; all the better to keep an eye on her, my dear. ;)

Quoting Anonymous: The den, mancave, and theater room all have doors that shut, they're off on the other side of the house, and are soundproof... But the doors are glass french-style, and we have an intercom system in our home that allows us to hear what is going on in the soundproof rooms (for safety)... but the button lights up green when someone is listening. I get the feeling that it's more about him not wanting us to be able to walk by and see what he's up to. :/



Leissaintexas
by Platinum Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 4:14 PM
1 mom liked this
Sounds sketchy. This is will probably be unpopular, but I'd seriously limit their interaction. My DD is similar to your DD (BVB, pierce the veil, "scene") and I get the whole parent\boyfriend awkwardness, but honestly, that's just bad manners on his part. I'd want something better for my DD.
luckysevenwow
by Ruby Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 4:17 PM

Personally I don't think he's up to anything, just doesn't like people, at least that's my internet impression.

Anywho, I'd make the relationship hard, without banning it cause it doesn't sound like it's healthy. Fill her hours with othe activities. Have her donate her time somewhere, find a job, anything that puts a wedge between them.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 15, 2014 at 4:18 PM
Unfortunately, her bedroom is right next to the staircase. The moment anyone steps on the first stair, you can hear it in her bedroom, which gives them about 30 seconds (more than that if my knees are acting up) to open the door and pull clothes back on. Lol.

Quoting OwlNuggets:

This is less about him and how much you trust your daughter in this situation. I'd personally allow them to go ahead and continue to hang out in the bedroom but I'd instill a cracked-door policy and I would definitely check on them periodically and sporadically just to make sure they knew you were always around so hanky-panky would come at GREAT risk to them. I'd rather compromise so my daughter stayed in MY neck of the woods; all the better to keep an eye on her, my dear. ;)

Quoting Anonymous: The den, mancave, and theater room all have doors that shut, they're off on the other side of the house, and are soundproof... But the doors are glass french-style, and we have an intercom system in our home that allows us to hear what is going on in the soundproof rooms (for safety)... but the button lights up green when someone is listening.

I get the feeling that it's more about him not wanting us to be able to walk by and see what he's up to. :/

OwlNuggets
by HAIL NUGGY! on Jun. 15, 2014 at 4:19 PM

Yeah, but you probably weren't born yesterday and even IF they managed to throw their clothes on, even out their breathing, get into innocent position, you can't tell me you wouldn't automatically sense SOMETHING was amiss!

Quoting Anonymous: Unfortunately, her bedroom is right next to the staircase. The moment anyone steps on the first stair, you can hear it in her bedroom, which gives them about 30 seconds (more than that if my knees are acting up) to open the door and pull clothes back on. Lol.



sheramom4
by Ruby Member on Jun. 15, 2014 at 4:20 PM
1 mom liked this

Maybe he doesn't like forced interaction and has no desire to hang out with the "old" people. Seriously. You knew the boy, he had been coming to your house for weeks and instead of choosing something in his comfort zone (husband playing video games with him while they chat, a quick coffee etc) you forced some formal dinner on him and then get upset when he doesn't answer how you want him to. 

You are upset that he didn't stay for dessert and that he didn't "help" you. They have been dating for mere weeks! They aren't there yet. They are till "hanging out" and getting to know each other. 

Be cautious of course, but your expectations may be a bit much for a 17 year old boy. 

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