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Handling differences between spiritual or social beliefs and your sexuality (kinda long)

Posted by on Jun. 21, 2014 at 8:54 PM
  • 37 Replies

How do you guys handle inconsistencies between what you do sexually with your partner and what your belief system or spiritual or social community (family, friends, fellow PTA or scout mothers, whatever) expects from your sexuality? And how do you feel when you have just had amazing sex and you walk into a location or situation where you know the people around you wont approve of your actions? Can you still call them your friends if you know they would not like to be associated to you if they knew what you have done? You know these people do have goodness in them and that is one of the reasons that not only you tolerate their company but allow them to be a part of your life, but how free can you be with these 'friends' if you don't only have to hide what you do but know you and your family will receive passive-aggressive grief simply because of what you do? You know that there is no officially declared set of rules and standards concerning sexual behavior within your social group but you feel that there is a sort of verbal and mental standard set by the majority and based on commonly held beliefs of the members within the group. Openly violating those rules can not only get you kicked out but prohibit or at least have to experience stern and very passive aggressive talks about how disrespectful my presence is in any future participation for any 'public' events where that group has assisted.

This question is directed to anyone in any religion and/or social organization that has official or at least implied standards of sexual conduct, including and not limited to LGBT groups, feminists, traditionalists, liberals, conservatives, racial separationists, what ever else. It doesn't even have to be a sort of official group. You can just have a circle of friends who have different ideas of how sex should look like and they put down others (maybe even just famous people) for their sexual conduct.

Let me give you my example. I'm a christian (non-denominational and the church I go to is Evangelical-Free). The Pastors preach little about hot-button stuff like homosexuality and as far as I know, Sunday school lessons do not teach on that subject. I very much prefer it this way. When a pastor did finally preach on homosexuality (probably by request of a very vocal group of people that I know), the main idea was that you should not fear them or condemn them. It is not your job. Righteous judging does not condemn a person. Righteous judging is used to be wise and act wise, to discern if a situation or action is stupid. Only God knows if a person is sinning. And if they are, that is between them and God. We do not concern ourselves about trying to be pure and perfect because we never can be. We attain eternal life by faith, not works or earthly purity. God doesn't much care what your sin is compared to someone else's. In His eyes, all sins are equal, all sins are an affront to Him. He is perfect and limitless so because of that, he cannot pick one sin over another. What he wants out of us is to be wise and be loving.

So, those people didn't much like that sermon. And that's what they mostly talked about during our after-church lunch. You might say, find yourself a new group of friends but this is a small town and I cannot forver keep dumping friends simply because they do not completely agree with everything that I do. So I don't want to just do that.

Anyway, these people believe the main function of sex is to procreate and keep a level of intimacy within a marriage (and yes, in that order). They believe that while it is pleasurable for both the male and female, it is primarily a biological need for the male and is mainly pleasurable for the female so it can be tolerable. So their sex lives consist of missionary only, male always initiates, no oral sex because it is not 'natural' and because it is disrespectful and harming to the wife, and how often sex is done actually depends on how often the female is ready. And these women have elected to be mothers first instead of wives so it obviously doesn't happen frequently.

I completely disagree with their views on sexuality and intimacy. I used to try to start a discussion on these things but was quickly put down by most of them and even had my initial statements disregarded because I am young. I have, for the most part, given up. But I don't know what else to do. Please answer the questions I asked in the beginning of this post because I'm looking for advice.

Thanks everyone.

by on Jun. 21, 2014 at 8:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Danesmommy1
by Grammar Enthusiast on Jun. 21, 2014 at 8:56 PM
Cliff notes version?
BGarcel
by Bronze Member on Jun. 21, 2014 at 9:00 PM


Quoting Danesmommy1: Cliff notes version?

I would like to, but if I were to condense it I feel that I would have to explain some stuff later on when asked. The questions in the beginning are really what I want answered, the rest is information to help put you in my situation.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jun. 21, 2014 at 9:02 PM
Kinda long and I don't get the main issue.... Are you gay or bi and your church doesn't approve? I tend to keep my amazing sex private, so that helps.
Danesmommy1
by Grammar Enthusiast on Jun. 21, 2014 at 9:06 PM
Ok, that was well written, I'm glad I read it.

Honestly, it doesn't come up. DS is enrolled in a private religious school and we attend church services and Sunday school there as well. It's a progressive congregation. We have same sex parents and people just don't mention it.

We learn about the bible in the context of the time and culture it was written in. Also acknowledging that while it was God inspired, it was written by fallible men.

BGarcel
by Bronze Member on Jun. 21, 2014 at 9:07 PM

I think I'm bi-curious but that isn't the main idea. And it isn't the church with the problem, but my circle of friends.

The main issue is how do you deal with differences of opinion between yourself and your circle of friends, especially when having a different opinion is "not conforming" to the group. I used the homosexuality sermon as a recent example.

Part of the problem is that these people are very vocal about their opinions, especially concerning sexual conduct, and expect everyone else in the group to adhere to the same standards. Right now, I either lie which makes me feel terrible, or state my opinions which gets me pretty much shot down by most of the people in the group.

Quoting Anonymous: Kinda long and I don't get the main issue.... Are you gay or bi and your church doesn't approve? I tend to keep my amazing sex private, so that helps.


BGarcel
by Bronze Member on Jun. 21, 2014 at 9:11 PM


Quoting Danesmommy1: Ok, that was well written, I'm glad I read it. Honestly, it doesn't come up. DS is enrolled in a private religious school and we attend church services and Sunday school there as well. It's a progressive congregation. We have same sex parents and people just don't mention it. We learn about the bible in the context of the time and culture it was written in. Also acknowledging that while it was God inspired, it was written by fallible men.

If it did come up, how would you react?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jun. 21, 2014 at 9:14 PM
If they are so vocal, just tell then a lady doesn't discuss what happens in the privacy of her bedroom and leave it at that. Also that you don't want to discuss what happens in other people's bedrooms either.

I only discuss my sex life with my husband and my two best friends.



Quoting BGarcel:

I think I'm bi-curious but that isn't the main idea. And it isn't the church with the problem, but my circle of friends. The main issue is how do you deal with differences of opinion between yourself and your circle of friends, especially when having a different opinion is "not conforming" to the group. I used the homosexuality sermon as a recent example. Part of the problem is that these people are very vocal about their opinions, especially concerning sexual conduct, and expect everyone else in the group to adhere to the same standards. Right now, I either lie which makes me feel terrible, or state my opinions which gets me pretty much shot down by most of the people in the group.

Quoting Anonymous: Kinda long and I don't get the main issue.... Are you gay or bi and your church doesn't approve? I tend to keep my amazing sex private, so that helps.

Danesmommy1
by Grammar Enthusiast on Jun. 21, 2014 at 9:14 PM
I ask them if the kept all 600+ laws in Leviticus. If not they can STFU and stop cherry picking the bible.

Quoting BGarcel:

Quoting Danesmommy1: Ok, that was well written, I'm glad I read it.

Honestly, it doesn't come up. DS is enrolled in a private religious school and we attend church services and Sunday school there as well. It's a progressive congregation. We have same sex parents and people just don't mention it.

We learn about the bible in the context of the time and culture it was written in. Also acknowledging that while it was God inspired, it was written by fallible men.

If it did come up, how would you react?

MicheleJM
by Phoenix on Jun. 21, 2014 at 9:17 PM

I don't hang with anybody who would make my sex life my business or judge me.  If my friends tried to comment on what i do in my private life I would tell them I will not discuss it, that is it.  It's the same with arguments of a religious nature.  I change the subject.  I may not agree with what a friend does however i know it's her life and her business.  But the only problem I ever had was dating a man who wanted sex with me but was very conflicted because of his religion.  I didn't share his views although i was willing to respect his.  however he couldn't reconcile his desires and his religion and in the end we broke up.

BGarcel
by Bronze Member on Jun. 21, 2014 at 9:20 PM

In their minds, that statement is a copout and is basically akin to disagreeing with them. They don't want details, just to hear and see you say that you agree.

These people aren't bad people by the way. There is goodness in them, but it's just issues like these where I dislike hanging out with them.

Quoting Anonymous: If they are so vocal, just tell then a lady doesn't discuss what happens in the privacy of her bedroom and leave it at that. Also that you don't want to discuss what happens in other people's bedrooms either. I only discuss my sex life with my husband and my two best friends.
Quoting BGarcel:

I think I'm bi-curious but that isn't the main idea. And it isn't the church with the problem, but my circle of friends. The main issue is how do you deal with differences of opinion between yourself and your circle of friends, especially when having a different opinion is "not conforming" to the group. I used the homosexuality sermon as a recent example. Part of the problem is that these people are very vocal about their opinions, especially concerning sexual conduct, and expect everyone else in the group to adhere to the same standards. Right now, I either lie which makes me feel terrible, or state my opinions which gets me pretty much shot down by most of the people in the group.

Quoting Anonymous: Kinda long and I don't get the main issue.... Are you gay or bi and your church doesn't approve? I tend to keep my amazing sex private, so that helps.



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