Handling differences between spiritual or social beliefs and your sexuality (kinda long)
How do you guys handle inconsistencies between what you do sexually with your partner and what your belief system or spiritual or social community (family, friends, fellow PTA or scout mothers, whatever) expects from your sexuality? And how do you feel when you have just had amazing sex and you walk into a location or situation where you know the people around you wont approve of your actions? Can you still call them your friends if you know they would not like to be associated to you if they knew what you have done? You know these people do have goodness in them and that is one of the reasons that not only you tolerate their company but allow them to be a part of your life, but how free can you be with these 'friends' if you don't only have to hide what you do but know you and your family will receive passive-aggressive grief simply because of what you do? You know that there is no officially declared set of rules and standards concerning sexual behavior within your social group but you feel that there is a sort of verbal and mental standard set by the majority and based on commonly held beliefs of the members within the group. Openly violating those rules can not only get you kicked out but prohibit or at least have to experience stern and very passive aggressive talks about how disrespectful my presence is in any future participation for any 'public' events where that group has assisted.
This question is directed to anyone in any religion and/or social organization that has official or at least implied standards of sexual conduct, including and not limited to LGBT groups, feminists, traditionalists, liberals, conservatives, racial separationists, what ever else. It doesn't even have to be a sort of official group. You can just have a circle of friends who have different ideas of how sex should look like and they put down others (maybe even just famous people) for their sexual conduct.
Let me give you my example. I'm a christian (non-denominational and the church I go to is Evangelical-Free). The Pastors preach little about hot-button stuff like homosexuality and as far as I know, Sunday school lessons do not teach on that subject. I very much prefer it this way. When a pastor did finally preach on homosexuality (probably by request of a very vocal group of people that I know), the main idea was that you should not fear them or condemn them. It is not your job. Righteous judging does not condemn a person. Righteous judging is used to be wise and act wise, to discern if a situation or action is stupid. Only God knows if a person is sinning. And if they are, that is between them and God. We do not concern ourselves about trying to be pure and perfect because we never can be. We attain eternal life by faith, not works or earthly purity. God doesn't much care what your sin is compared to someone else's. In His eyes, all sins are equal, all sins are an affront to Him. He is perfect and limitless so because of that, he cannot pick one sin over another. What he wants out of us is to be wise and be loving.
So, those people didn't much like that sermon. And that's what they mostly talked about during our after-church lunch. You might say, find yourself a new group of friends but this is a small town and I cannot forver keep dumping friends simply because they do not completely agree with everything that I do. So I don't want to just do that.
Anyway, these people believe the main function of sex is to procreate and keep a level of intimacy within a marriage (and yes, in that order). They believe that while it is pleasurable for both the male and female, it is primarily a biological need for the male and is mainly pleasurable for the female so it can be tolerable. So their sex lives consist of missionary only, male always initiates, no oral sex because it is not 'natural' and because it is disrespectful and harming to the wife, and how often sex is done actually depends on how often the female is ready. And these women have elected to be mothers first instead of wives so it obviously doesn't happen frequently.
I completely disagree with their views on sexuality and intimacy. I used to try to start a discussion on these things but was quickly put down by most of them and even had my initial statements disregarded because I am young. I have, for the most part, given up. But I don't know what else to do. Please answer the questions I asked in the beginning of this post because I'm looking for advice.