They gave him 5% chance to live....I am worthless..I want to do something to make him okay. To make his family whole again. I don't care what the cops kept saying about him and how often they have arrested him and his past. He is a human life. He might have done things wrong before but that doesn't mean he deserves this. I close my eyes and see him laying there. I keep hearing him say he is dying and it hurts. I didn't mean to hit him. I really didn't. I swear I didn't. I tried to avoid it. I don't know what to do. The cops kept saying no charges will be filed it's an accident and try not to dwell on it but I can't help it. I don't know if he will live. If he dies it will be my fault. I don't want him to die..
I am so lost.
Thank you all for the love and support. I will be seeing a therapist tomorrow and we will see what happens from there. I'm just waiting to hear if this man died. I don't know what I am going to do if he does die..how things will happen. I would give my life for him. All that keeps going through my mind is I have killed a man and I didn't mean to. I didn't want to. I am about to break. I'm at my mom's so here soon I know it will all come crashing down soon. So if I don't reply I'm probably having a breakdown.
So I talked to the therapist but I don't feel any better. She just kept telling me it isn't my fault and the same thing everyone has told me. I found out from his niece who I went to school with and used to be good friends with growing up that he has an ruptured aorta and is still I'm surgery. His injuries are bad and there hasn't been much hope of him making it.
I'm holding myself together but I'm not sure how I will feel if he doesn't make it. I didn't really sleep last night. Every time I closed my eyes I seen him laying in the road and heard his voice. I just wish all this was a nightmare.
I came into work (I own a salon) because sitting at home just made me feel worse. So I'm hoping being here will make me feel better.
I dont care if anyone reads this it helps me.
I can't sleep. I try..I even tried my sleeping pills but that does nothing..when I do sleep I have nightmares..hearing it isn't my fault makes me feel worse. I check on his mothers Facebook page for updates..waiting also to see her bash me. I torture myself by doing so. Yes I know. It's not healthy or right. I don't care. I close my eyes and see him still. It's still to fresh...I still hear him...
I tried to go to town and spend time with my family and it ended with me having a meltdown...tried driving...nope even worse..I cry then feel stupid for crying because I'm always the strong one and because I feel like I shouldn't be the sad one. I'm not the one in the hospital bed fighting for my life or the mother who wants her son to be okay...I have all this guilt and even with those who are trained professional's telling me who to deal with it I still haven't figured it out..
As far as an update on the man...he has pneumonia and 15lbs of fluid in his lungs...or something like that...
Idk I'm just trying to make sense of all this...why me...why did it have to be me? Why him? Why now? Why at all??
Nightmares plague me. So I haven't been able to sleep that much. As far as the guy he still have pneumonia and because of it he can't have surgery yet. They are thinking maybe Friday. Yes I keep up with it. I probably shouldn't but I need to know how he is doing.
My family and friends have been so supportive but they just don't understand why I'm still so upset. Today makes a week since it happened. We got the accident report today. Reading it was hard and we'll Idk. I look at it but it doesn't say anything really.
I seem to find myself crying at times and don't even know that I am. I wish this was a nightmare. One that I could forget and move on from. Just a dream. Idk it's just hard. I know it's harder on his family. I feel so lost. So disconnected.