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My Full House May Be Getting Fuller...

Posted by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 7:07 PM
  • 20 Replies

This woman at my church is married to a monster and I have been trying to get her to see that for years. She is 25 years old with a 10 year old son, and 8 and 5 year old daughters. This man beats her and treats her like she is a dog (correction, I would never treat a dog like this) and constantly tells her kids how worthless their mother was and how she is a slut for getting pregnant at 15 (he was 21 and her parents didn't care) and how they shouldn't listen to her because she is always wrong. He does not go to the church but it is common knowledge what is going on. I have known her since high school and I have tried to get her to leave him. Her 10 year old is already starting to pick up on some of his dad's crap and talks to her mother like she is crap, calling her "woman" and ordering her around and saying he doesn't have to listen to her. I finally told her today, when he started talking back to me, that, if she didn't do something about it, she was going to have a clone of her husband growing up to treat his wife just like his dad treats his mom. That is unacceptable. It is bad enough that she puts up with it from her husband but she should not put up with it from her son. I took her out to lunch today so that I could have a long talk with her. I told her that she could come live with me for a little while, until she got back on her feet, and we would make room. I think that she is considering it. I told her to call me at any time (day or night) when she was ready to leave and I would come and get her and the kids. 

She has no car. He does not let her have a car. He claims that they don't have the money but he makes really good money. He insists on her being a SAHM, even though the kids are school aged and they can afford daycare (he does not want her working because, if she has an income, she can leave him). He claims that he wants to make sure that the house gets cleaned and dinner is on the table when he gets home (I manage to get all of that done and I have a full time job so his concern is bullshit). She doesn't get access to any money unless she justifies every dime and documents it with receipts (like if they need groceries, he gives her cash and she can't even put a quarter in the gumball machine without him pitching a fit because she didn't document it with a receipt and she might accidentally have some money to put back for herself). He did his best to isolate her from everyone in her life that would protect her and tries to come up with a reason every week to keep her from going to church, so she is lucky if she gets to come once a month. He controls everything she and the kids do. The kids are not allowed to have friends. They have sex when he says so, whether she wants it or not (and she honestly never wants it from him). He has cheated on her several times and has two children by two other women but he gets mad at her for talking to other men in public and has accused her of having an affair with my husband several times. He has tried blocking my number on their phone and deleting the number from her contacts so that she can't contact me but she memorized it she can call me but I cannot call her. He won't let her have a Facebook or anything and he monitors her browser history, reads her emails, ect. He also tears me down to her, calling me a slut and a baby factory (2 biological children 5.5 years apart but I'm a baby factory, lol), and telling her that I am not a proper woman because I have a career that is important to me instead of staying in the kitchen where I belong (yes, he is one of THOSE men). I am her ONLY friend that did not allow her husband to push out of her life and, believe me, he has tried. He has bullied and threatened me and made up bullshit about me and even tried to get me fired from my job a few years ago but I refuse to be bullied by anyone (it also helps that he is scared of my husband and my collie, lol. A true bullying coward). I am the only person in a position to help her. 

She wants me to take a firm hand with her son and start disciplining him if she moves in but I told her no. I will not discipline her son. That is his mother's responsibility. I will help her learn how to do it and I will correct him if necessary when he is with me but that is not my job. I love her son, don't get me wrong, but his MOTHER needs to be the one to tell him that his behavior is no acceptable, not me.

Anyway, the plan is that she will move in with me (and put her husband in jail if possible) and get a job. I'm off for the summer (I'm a teacher) so I can help her with childcare. We will put her kids in school where we live and they can ride the bus to my mothers like my kids (we have already spoken  to her about it). She and the children are also going to go to counseling. I am going to help her get a car and put back some savings and hopefully she can go to school to get her GED (he wouldn't even let her have that) and start working on a college education. I think it will be great for them to spend some time around my husband as well. Those poor kids need to see what a real husband and father should be before it is too late to save them from making their mother's mistakes. 

Also, some background: She was 15 and he was 21 when they started dating. She was rebellious. They were using protection but she found out later that he was tampering with the condoms and she got pregnant (he did it on purpose to trap her). Her parents kicked her out. She did not want to marry him but she was literally on the streets. She and I were not really close back then (we knew each other and we were friends at school but didn't really see each other outside of school) and I did not know what was going on or else my parents would have let her come live with us in a heartbeat. She had no choice (that she could see at the time) but to marry him. Her parents disowned her and he gradually alienated her from every other family member and friend that stood by her. She and I reconnected when she started going to my church 5 years ago. She considers me a godmother to her kids (her youngest calls me her fairy godmother, lol). I love her and her kids and my heart breaks for them. I hope and pray that she gets the nerve to leave him soon, before someone is seriously hurt. I know that I cannot force her to leave. That has to be her decision. 

Oh, and I have tried reporting to CPS but I have never witnessed the abuse first hand and he is careful not to leave bruises so they refused to do anything. She and the kids were too scared to speak to CPS. The physical abuse is very infrequent but it is the emotional and psychological abuse that is the real issue. I have dealt with an abusive boyfriend (my 6 year old's sperm donor) and it took my stepbrother beating the shit out of him to get me to see that there was a problem and I deserved better. 


by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 7:07 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Razzle_Dazzle1
by Platinum Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 7:14 PM

BUMP!

Razzle_Dazzle1
by Platinum Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 7:21 PM

BUMP!

redneck.crazy
by on Jun. 29, 2014 at 7:21 PM
I so hope she takes your offer. I pray she does. You are an amazing lady.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
graybealgirl
by Platinum Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 7:35 PM


Quoting redneck.crazy: I so hope she takes your offer. I pray she does. You are an amazing lady.
Clubpenguin
by Silver Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 7:43 PM
1 mom liked this

It seems likes a battered women shelter would be a better option. She can start a new life. It's very sweet you want to help but have you thought of what kind of danger your own family well be in? Hers too? He knows where you live. Please be careful.

blondieinva80
by Gold Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 7:48 PM


Quoting redneck.crazy: I so hope she takes your offer. I pray she does. You are an amazing lady.
gee18
by busy mommy2Ari on Jun. 29, 2014 at 8:10 PM
You're amazing friend and person. Hopefully she sees that she deserves better and has enough courage to walk away.
Razzle_Dazzle1
by Platinum Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 10:50 PM
1 mom liked this
I suggested that but she wouldnt hear of it. We have guns and we will have him arrested and get a restraining order if she decides to leave.

Quoting Clubpenguin:

It seems likes a battered women shelter would be a better option. She can start a new life. It's very sweet you want to help but have you thought of what kind of danger your own family well be in? Hers too? He knows where you live. Please be careful.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Razzle_Dazzle1
by Platinum Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 10:51 PM
1 mom liked this
Thank you. I hope so too.

Quoting gee18: You're amazing friend and person. Hopefully she sees that she deserves better and has enough courage to walk away.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Razzle_Dazzle1
by Platinum Member on Jun. 29, 2014 at 11:31 PM
BUMP
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
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