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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I confess that most of you would probably think I'm a s****y parent. . . *EDIT* *AND AGAIN*

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. . . because I don't treat my children like the sun shines out of their asses. Because it *doesn't*. (And it doesn't shine out of your kids' asses, either.)

I am now almost 26 years old (in August) and I have had custody of my 3 nieces for over 3 years now. They are 14, 13 & 11.  I saved them from a much worse fate of an extremely broken, unstable, abusive home OR the state.

I love them. I love them more than anything else on earth and I have provided and cared for them to the best of my ability for these past 3 years.  They have everything they need, lots of things they want, and they are not abused nor neglected.

That being said, I don't worship the ground they walk on & praise their every waking moment.  First of all, that's not my nature considering I'm an introverted and repressed human being. Secondly, that's not preparing them for real life.

The real world doesn't think you're special for getting out of bed in the morning, brushing your teeth, eating breakfast, going to school, etc.  Everybody has to do this.  This is the daily grind.

I also don't wait on them hand and foot and wipe their asses for them.  They have daily chores & are usually responsible for their breakfast & lunch during the summer when they are out of school.  That's right--I usually only cook dinner.  How blasphemous!  Are you going to cook, do laundry, clean, organize, etc. for your child for the rest of their life?  If the answer is yes and you are fine with that, please feel free.  If not--if you want your child to be able to live their own life and provide for themselves, TEACH THEM HOW.  That is your responsiblity!  Your responsiblity is not to raise a man-or-woman-child that will be mooching off of you until the day that you die.  Your responsibility is to raise an *adult* that can be self-sufficient when that time comes--and it WILL come.  So please do the right thing for both of you and start doing *less* and teaching more.

I see so many parents (usually women) putting pressure on other parents (also usually women) to do *more and more* for their kids.  You are considered a shitty parent by the standards of many if you aren't a do-it-all super mom.  I don't cave to this kind of pressure.  I've always been comfortable with who I am, what I'm doing, and where I am in life.  There are so many parents out there that are not that fortunate & always doubting themselves.  STOP!!

"If you don't keep your house immaculate, cook 3 multiple-course meals a day, bake your own fucking bread, take your kids to extra-curricular activities, and look like a rock-star doing it all, you are doing it WRONG." 

This is not okay.  This is adding stress & anxiety onto the stress & anxiety of just being a parent to begin with.  As a parent, you are still a person with needs & desires.  I fulfill mine.  My children are provided for and taken care of.  I don't have to "neglect" them to do so.  I enjoy my alone time.  They are not off foraging through dumpsters while I'm having it.  They are fine.

So many people need to start living in the real world with me.

Moms, give yourselves a break, and be sure that break also extends to others.


*EDIT*

I just wanted to clarify for those of you saying that I don't understand because I didn't raise them from when they were little.  I did.

I started at 15 when they were born.  I changed diapers, made bottles, burped, held, rocked, dressed, cleaned up after, etc.  I had to quit school to do it because I knew that nobody else was going to and nobody cared enough to make me stay in school.  Then, at 18, I moved out of that awful situation knowing that I had to get my shit together and get them out, too.  It took me a long time, but I did it.

Obviously I am not expecting your 9 month old to pop a frozen pizza into the toaster oven.  I am not that dense.

It's completely understandable to do these things when they can't do them for themselves.  However, when they can, it's time to start teaching them.

By the way, I hear you all and I'm loving all the different opinions coming in and the support.  I hope I keep reading tons more!

Also, I gotta say, I'm new here and I didn't expect this many trolls on a mommy board.  I play MMO's (if anybody even knows what those are), and they are absolutely full of them.  I think it's just women--we hate each other and don't even know why.  I hate that. Like I already said, we should be more supportive of each other.


EDIT #2:

I want to be able to respond to everybody, but holy shit, this thread blew UP. lol

I've seen quite a few "Of course it's easy because you are taking care of grown (grown? still don't know why people keep saying 14, 13 & 11 are grown. they still have a lot to learn) children that already know how to get themselves up in the morning, make their own food, dress themselves, etc."

NEWSFLASH: they didn't when I first got them.  I know that not everybody here comes from a broken/ abusive/neglected home.  And I'm happy for them.  I don't wish that upon them. But unless you come from a place like that, you will never never never NEVER be able to understand the effect that it has on you, and you will never *KNOW* what these kids can and can't do for themselves.  I responded to one of these women, but it got lost in all of the other replies, so I'm posting it here because I feel like it's an important detail that so many of you are overlooking and misjudging.

When I got these girls, they didn't know how to do these things.  In their original environment, they *did* raise themselves.  They were not parented.  They were literally left to run around the house and do whatever the hell they wanted on a 24/7/365 basis.  They did not bathe nor brush their teeth.  They did not know how to dress themselves.  And even if they did, they rarely had weather appropriate, matching or fitting clothes.  They didn't have manners, responsibilities, morals, social traits, and most other basic functions.  *IF* they ate, it was processed or junk food.  They rarely had a bed to even sleep on and would end up just passing out on the floor, couch, or wherever they ended up.  Sometimes they didn't even get to school because nobody cared enough to get up and make sure they got there.  This list goes on and on. I couldn't even begin to cover it. 

Not to mention the turmoil of losing the "parents" that were raising them for several years.  Yes, I am the better alternative. Yes, they were mistreated.  But that doesn't mean they weren't attached to them and didn't love them and don't miss them every single day.

Just because you turn 10 one day doesn't mean that you are automatically on par and act like an average 10 year old. You need to be taught things.  And what in the hell makes people think that if they came from a negative environment like the one I described that they would know how to do all of this and implement it?

It has been a rough 3 years to say the least (for all of us), but I have made miles & miles of progress with them and at this point you would probably never know that they aren't just normal kids by looking at them.

Pull your heads out of your asses, ladies.  There are people in this world that came from fucked up places.  Just because you were lucky enough not to, doesn't mean everybody was so fortunate.

Also, I know I already said this, but thank you to all of you ladies that have been so supportive.  It is truly appreciated!!  Bless you all and your precious families!

It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.

Also, a little video games never hurt.

by on Jul. 15, 2014 at 1:33 PM
Replies (41-50):
teenkabear
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2014 at 2:24 PM


Quoting rgba: Of course you don't wipe their asses. They are teenagers. It's wonderful that you are raising them. But your post doesn't apply to anyone with small children.

"wipe their asses" is a figure of speech.  Maybe you don't get it if you're not from the south.  It's something we say here and it means you are basically a servant to this person or people, catering to their every whim, etc.

Also, my post has been edited because there have been a lot of people claiming that I don't understand because I've never had small children--I have.

And no, this doesn't really apply to people with small children *right now*, but I never claimed it did.  I honestly thought maybe I had posted this in a toddler section or something and not realized it being new here and all.  But no, I hadn't.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no idea what the point of your post was because it was pretty irrelevant--just like this would be irrelevant to people with small children.

UNLESS, of course, somebody with small children reads this and goes "Yes, she is right.  I want to raise my kids to be happy & self-sufficient adults so when they get older I am going to remember this."  I hope they do.

Lolabearlow
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2014 at 2:26 PM
3 moms liked this
My grandmothers statement is "we don't raise kids to be 5 forever, we raisr them to be responsible, independent adults and that takes time, practice anf patience."
I love this and use it as my parenting motto.
teenkabear
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2014 at 2:28 PM


Quoting 2pink1blue:

You may be "raising them" but they are not your babies and never were.  They are undoubtedly better off with you as it sounds like you love them and care for them better than the state would but you were not their parent until THREE short years ago.  Most people don't need to cook and clean around the clock for teen and tween aged children but I assure you had you been the mother figure when they were 1, 3 and 6 you WOULD have been cooking several times a day, cleaning up after them, folding their laundry, praising them for the first day of school, drying their tears, brushing their teeth, monster proofing their bedrooms, and rocking them to sleep.

I have many more years of parenting experience than you and can assure you that you can happily do ALL those things for your children and still raise them to be responsible, productive people who can think independently and live on their own when it comes time.


You must not have read the edit.  You should always read the full post before you comment.

In fact, I wonder if you read this at all.  Because I never said that I *never* praised them or dried their tears, etc.  The point that I was making was that I don't do it for trivial things that everybody else in life has to do every single day.  First day of school is a big one obviously.

redneckmama4
by Loree on Jul. 15, 2014 at 2:31 PM
1 mom liked this
Okay......??? Don't care how you raise your kids.

Love these lol. People make grandeur posts about themselves in a totally passive aggressive way and think people really care at the end of the day.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jul. 15, 2014 at 2:35 PM
2 moms liked this

Would you say that to a woman whose kids were adopted?  What about to a father who lost the mother of his child/children?  Rather than ignorantly judging others, maybe you should spend some of your  time proofreading before you post? The 26 yr. old MOM is amazing, you're a beast OP!!! 

Quoting chamamahaha: Until you have your own baby,aybe you shouldn't talk, cuz you dont know, I hear what youre saying n I understand what you mean, but believe me. Thats two different things youre talking about
Quoting teenkabear:


Quoting chamamahaha: Hum, maybe because they arent ur real kids u didnt develop that type of bond

It has nothing to do with a bond.  No, we don't have that biological bond.  They did not come from me.  I've always understood that.  It has to do with the way certain parents are raising their kids--in my opinion, the wrong way if they want them to be self-sufficient (which is a large part of happiness.)


Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Jul. 15, 2014 at 2:37 PM
1 mom liked this
Yep same with my 7 and 3 year olds.

Quoting 907PickleMom: I agree. I also *gasp* make the 7 year old help with the 3 year old. Like get breakfast in the morning for both of them, help her get dressed etc.Guess what: he knows responsibility, his place in the household and dd know responsibility and how to get things for herself. My kids will not grow up not knowing how to do and fend for themselves.
teenkabear
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2014 at 2:42 PM


Quoting redneckmama4: Okay......??? Don't care how you raise your kids. Love these lol. People make grandeur posts about themselves in a totally passive aggressive way and think people really care at the end of the day.

You don't care, but you cared enough to post.  Nothing about this was passive aggressive.  I have no problem with being aggressive in a normal-type way when I need to be.  Nothing about this warrants aggression.  Except from you.. for whatever reason...

"I hate these so much. I hate passive aggressive people so much! I don't care but I read this post and now I'm going to comment in a passive aggressive way because I just hate it so much and care so little!!"

All the lulz.

About to see if I can find a block or ignore button.  Yay for being new!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Jul. 15, 2014 at 2:42 PM
Being as though you don't have children of your own u can't say that you would or wouldn't treat your own children differently. These kids u have are also old enough to handle what you give them. I hope u show some sort of love, affection & give them credit for every day little things. It's important to do so for their emotional well being especially in this situation being as though their bio parents don't love them.
disneymom2two
by Platinum Member on Jul. 15, 2014 at 2:45 PM
2 moms liked this

I adopted one of my children and gave birth to the other; I love both of them beyond compare.  I totally agree with OP that kids should learn self-sufficiency.  I love my kids but that doesn't mean I have to wait on them hand and foot.  My son's made his own lunch, including during the school year, from first grade until middle school when the cafeteria options expanded and he started buying (he's 16 now).  He complained about the way I made his sandwich in first grade so he was given the chore of making his own every day.  He brought a real lunch for those who think that a first grader would simply choose to bring crap.  My daughter tends to bring a hot lunch so she gets part of it ready and I get part (she's 8).  My kids both know how to cook since I don't believe in forcing kids to eat what they don't like but I won't make multiple meals; don't like what I make - you're free to make your own. My son does his own laundry; my daughter's too short yet to reach into the washer.  They each do things to help around the house and to learn to take care of themselves.  That's important to raising a productive human being.

Quoting chamamahaha: Until you have your own baby,aybe you shouldn't talk, cuz you dont know, I hear what youre saying n I understand what you mean, but believe me. Thats two different things youre talking about
Quoting teenkabear:


Quoting chamamahaha: Hum, maybe because they arent ur real kids u didnt develop that type of bond

It has nothing to do with a bond.  No, we don't have that biological bond.  They did not come from me.  I've always understood that.  It has to do with the way certain parents are raising their kids--in my opinion, the wrong way if they want them to be self-sufficient (which is a large part of happiness.)


teenkabear
by Silver Member on Jul. 15, 2014 at 2:45 PM


Quoting Anonymous: Being as though you don't have children of your own u can't say that you would or wouldn't treat your own children differently. These kids u have are also old enough to handle what you give them. I hope u show some sort of love, affection & give them credit for every day little things. It's important to do so for their emotional well being especially in this situation being as though their bio parents don't love them.

First of all, who in the hell said their real parents don't love them?  That is offensive to me.  My sister does love her children.  She loves them fiercely.  You have no clue what her situation is.  She is not capable of raising them properly due to a mental disorder that she suffers with daily.


Second of all, I never said in this post that I do not show them love or affection, or give them credit for anything.

People are so ridiculous.  You know what they say about assuming.

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