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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

when it turns violent

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 16 Replies
And you leave.

How long until you stopped loving him.

My stupid heart.
Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
1L2CMommy
by Silver Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:08 AM
When I left, it wasn't because of violence. It was because he cheated. But my stupid heart was still broken too. What helped me was focusing on myself, and in the beginning, pretending I wasn't focusing on him. The same month my divorce was final, I started taking college classes. Between classes, working, caring for my DD, and trying to survive, I honestly didn't have too much time to focus on him. It took a year of staying busy, and pretending I didn't care what he did, who he dated/married, what he said, or where he went, before I really didn't care.
You'll get there. Focus on you and your kids. Figure out who you are and what you like. A good guy is coming, but you have to be happy with yourself first. The good guys like strong, confident, independent women. The loser like the insecure, needy ones.
It took me 12 years to find my good guy. He was worth the wsit. He is the best man, father and husband I have ever met.
housecoatloonie
by Silver Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:11 AM
2 moms liked this

I left a violent husband.

In January of this year.

Get therapy.

Get meds.

Talk about it a lot to friends and family who will listen.

Let yourself cry.

A lot.

Tell yourself you're stronger for leaving than staying.

Hug yourself.

I am heartbroken that this man I loved for a decade could treat me so horribly; but HE is the problem. Not me. I am just fine.

And you know what? I WOULD RATHER CRY ABOUT MISSING HIM THAN CRY BECAUSE HE HURT ME AGAIN.

It'll fade.

It will.

It WILL get better.

Just hold on, chica.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:11 AM

I don't know. I probably would still love him, if he hadn't been so awful during/after the divorce. And now he is actively alienating our kid.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:16 AM
Thank you. It's been 48 hours and I'm busy. But every free second I find myself remembering the promises. What should have been. And I have to remind myself, ask those things are gone and never will be again. Our family is broken now. I find myself wondering if he regrets his actions. If he thinks it was worth it. But it's stupid. I shouldn't care about someone who hurt me so much.

Quoting 1L2CMommy: When I left, it wasn't because of violence. It was because he cheated. But my stupid heart was still broken too. What helped me was focusing on myself, and in the beginning, pretending I wasn't focusing on him. The same month my divorce was final, I started taking college classes. Between classes, working, caring for my DD, and trying to survive, I honestly didn't have too much time to focus on him. It took a year of staying busy, and pretending I didn't care what he did, who he dated/married, what he said, or where he went, before I really didn't care.
You'll get there. Focus on you and your kids. Figure out who you are and what you like. A good guy is coming, but you have to be happy with yourself first. The good guys like strong, confident, independent women. The loser like the insecure, needy ones.
It took me 12 years to find my good guy. He was worth the wsit. He is the best man, father and husband I have ever met.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:18 AM
I feel so stupid mourning our relationship. Like I should be so pissed off. I should hate him. But I'm worried about him.

Quoting housecoatloonie:

I left a violent husband.

In January of this year.

Get therapy.

Get meds.

Talk about it a lot to friends and family who will listen.

Let yourself cry.

A lot.

Tell yourself you're stronger for leaving than staying.

Hug yourself.

I am heartbroken that this man I loved for a decade could treat me so horribly; but HE is the problem. Not me. I am just fine.

And you know what? I WOULD RATHER CRY ABOUT MISSING HIM THAN CRY BECAUSE HE HURT ME AGAIN.

It'll fade.

It will.

It WILL get better.

Just hold on, chica.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:20 AM
I don't know what's going to happen. To me, my father was my everything. And he's always been the stubborn type. Idk if he'll be around. He called once to ask why I took HIS girls. I told him he knew why. He said he was glad I'm gone, but demanded I bring the girls back.

Quoting Anonymous:

I don't know. I probably would still love him, if he hadn't been so awful during/after the divorce. And now he is actively alienating our kid.

housecoatloonie
by Silver Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:41 AM

Worrying about him has been your life.

You worry because you are probably, like me, a fixer. A helper, a smooth-it-over gal.

And you HAVE to mourn this relationship.

You have to.

It is a death.

It was someone you loved, someone you wanted to build a life with and make him happy and live together until you grow old.

I know what you feel.

I 100% do.

It's totally natural.

It's a catch 22, really: feeling hate and love towards this person.

He violated your trust, your santuary, your safety. He's an asshole.

He made you laugh, he made great love to you, he tried to love you: He is your husband.

It's very hard to balance these two feelings.

But one feeling cannot cancel out the other.

You can hate him and love him.

And one day, you and me.....we will both look at these men at a great distance and feel twinges of something, but it won't be specific. It'll be sadness, and regret but you'll have more happiness and hope.

You'll find yourself through this new journey.

I bet because of him you lost a lot of yourself along the way; that he picked you apart slowly, and manipulated you. He changed you.

MOURN him.

Mourn the marriage and the love lost and the hope you held for a long time that you could make him better, that you could fix him.

And know that we CANNOT fix them.

We simply cannot.

Your head tells you this, I know, but your heart is in pieces and you just want to love him and make it all better and make this go away.

It'll be bad for a while.

I will be honest with you.

But KNOW that because you've been told it'll suck for a while (maybe a long time) it will make it easier. It really will.

KNOW that you're feeling normal feelings.

KNOW that you're strong for leaving: so many don't. And so many go back.

You're free, you're safe, you can start the healing.

It's slow.

It's supposed to hurt.

It's going to hurt.

Allow it to hurt.

Then remove yourself from the hurt and get angry.

Allow yourself to hate him.

That's normal.

Allow yourself to miss him.

That's normal.

But don't exhaust yourself trying to figure out what you could have done differently.

Because you could have done everything perfectly: but you're with an abuser.

Nothing is ever perfect for them.

You didn't fail your marriage.

He failed YOU.


Quoting Anonymous: I feel so stupid mourning our relationship. Like I should be so pissed off. I should hate him. But I'm worried about him.
Quoting housecoatloonie:

I left a violent husband.

In January of this year.

Get therapy.

Get meds.

Talk about it a lot to friends and family who will listen.

Let yourself cry.

A lot.

Tell yourself you're stronger for leaving than staying.

Hug yourself.

I am heartbroken that this man I loved for a decade could treat me so horribly; but HE is the problem. Not me. I am just fine.

And you know what? I WOULD RATHER CRY ABOUT MISSING HIM THAN CRY BECAUSE HE HURT ME AGAIN.

It'll fade.

It will.

It WILL get better.

Just hold on, chica.


IandLoveandYou
by Penny Lane on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:51 AM
It took me about 6 weeks to get over the urge to call him or turn to him for comfort.

I think I only caved 2 times or so in the first couple weeks, then I exercised more restraint.

One thing you need to do is remind yourself that no matter how nice he's being now, no matter how much he "needs" you to be there for him.. if you go back he is going to go right back to being his horrible self and when he broke you down to your darkest moments he was not there for you.

I would seek therapy to help you heal. The stronger you get and the more you build your self-esteem, the more you'll see why you deserve better and staying away will be easy.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 19, 2014 at 12:39 PM
Thanks. It's still new. I wish he hadn't done this. I just don't understand why, he seemed to authentically love me, until the stress came. Unemployment, the car was totaled, babies, health issues with me.

Quoting housecoatloonie:

Worrying about him has been your life.

You worry because you are probably, like me, a fixer. A helper, a smooth-it-over gal.

And you HAVE to mourn this relationship.

You have to.

It is a death.

It was someone you loved, someone you wanted to build a life with and make him happy and live together until you grow old.

I know what you feel.

I 100% do.

It's totally natural.

It's a catch 22, really: feeling hate and love towards this person.

He violated your trust, your santuary, your safety. He's an asshole.

He made you laugh, he made great love to you, he tried to love you: He is your husband.

It's very hard to balance these two feelings.

But one feeling cannot cancel out the other.

You can hate him and love him.

And one day, you and me.....we will both look at these men at a great distance and feel twinges of something, but it won't be specific. It'll be sadness, and regret but you'll have more happiness and hope.

You'll find yourself through this new journey.

I bet because of him you lost a lot of yourself along the way; that he picked you apart slowly, and manipulated you. He changed you.

MOURN him.

Mourn the marriage and the love lost and the hope you held for a long time that you could make him better, that you could fix him.

And know that we CANNOT fix them.

We simply cannot.

Your head tells you this, I know, but your heart is in pieces and you just want to love him and make it all better and make this go away.

It'll be bad for a while.

I will be honest with you.

But KNOW that because you've been told it'll suck for a while (maybe a long time) it will make it easier. It really will.

KNOW that you're feeling normal feelings.

KNOW that you're strong for leaving: so many don't. And so many go back.

You're free, you're safe, you can start the healing.

It's slow.

It's supposed to hurt.

It's going to hurt.

Allow it to hurt.

Then remove yourself from the hurt and get angry.

Allow yourself to hate him.

That's normal.

Allow yourself to miss him.

That's normal.

But don't exhaust yourself trying to figure out what you could have done differently.

Because you could have done everything perfectly: but you're with an abuser.

Nothing is ever perfect for them.

You didn't fail your marriage.

He failed YOU.

Quoting Anonymous: I feel so stupid mourning our relationship. Like I should be so pissed off. I should hate him. But I'm worried about him.

Quoting housecoatloonie:

I left a violent husband.

In January of this year.

Get therapy.

Get meds.

Talk about it a lot to friends and family who will listen.

Let yourself cry.

A lot.

Tell yourself you're stronger for leaving than staying.

Hug yourself.

I am heartbroken that this man I loved for a decade could treat me so horribly; but HE is the problem. Not me. I am just fine.

And you know what? I WOULD RATHER CRY ABOUT MISSING HIM THAN CRY BECAUSE HE HURT ME AGAIN.

It'll fade.

It will.

It WILL get better.

Just hold on, chica.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 19, 2014 at 12:40 PM
I'm fighting the urge to call him. To just go over there and make sure he's okay.

Quoting IandLoveandYou: It took me about 6 weeks to get over the urge to call him or turn to him for comfort.

I think I only caved 2 times or so in the first couple weeks, then I exercised more restraint.

One thing you need to do is remind yourself that no matter how nice he's being now, no matter how much he "needs" you to be there for him.. if you go back he is going to go right back to being his horrible self and when he broke you down to your darkest moments he was not there for you.

I would seek therapy to help you heal. The stronger you get and the more you build your self-esteem, the more you'll see why you deserve better and staying away will be easy.
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