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She was not a bad mother

Posted by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:34 AM
  • 29 Replies
2 moms liked this

Some may already know that my youngest son is adopted. I wanted to say that giving up your child does not automatically make you a bad mom, and that everyone leads a different life and doing things outside of the norm of your peers doesn't make you a bad person. My son's biological mother is a relative of my husbands from a part of the family whom he has never met. When she was a teenager she wanted to connect with their ancestral roots (Romani, they are not part of a family but do follow many of the traditions and values) so she moved to Romania where their family originally came from and then to Italy, where they still have family members who are active in the Romani lifestyle.

While she was there she fell in love and was married. After her husband died, she moved back to the United States to be with family. She was pregnant with my son. She travelled with her family. She gave birth at home with a family doctor and did not record the birth, not because she didn't care but because she doesn't see why the birth of her child is a legal matter. She did not name him because thats how things are done in my husband's family. I don't think that's a Romani thing, its just a thing in my husband's family, they don't declare an official name for a child until the child is older and they really have a feel for who they are, so they can choose the name carefully. My husband didn't have an official name until he was five. She would have chosen one eventually.

She took good care of my son and he was never neglected. She didn't have a home because she chose not to, but she always made sure that they had a safe place to stay and never put him in danger. She realized that she could not care for him on her own and did not want him to grow up around her part of the family, the part that we don't talk to. It has nothing to do with being Romani, they are just not good people, so she asked my husband and I to take him since she knew she could trust us and we don't associate with them. She did the best thing any mother could do, she put her son before herself and put her son's safety and well being before her own want to keep him with her. Out of context, people hear that he was given up by a mother who never named him or registered him and they think and say the worst things about her, when she was a good mother who did what was right for her son. I would just like people to keep it in mind when dealing with biological parents who have given up their kids.

by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:34 AM
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Replies (1-10):
sarastanley88
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:37 AM
Hmm sounds like she just didn't want a kid. Good thing she realised that eventually
LiliM
by Platinum Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:39 AM

I can't imagine giving up a child.  Ever.

So a parent that does - to me, even someone who most would look at as a shitty parent - did so out of love - even if the parent themselves was someone who ought not be raising a kid.

It's extremely selfless. 

I had both my kids at home, and you should have seen the clerks at the county office when I went in to register them.  I had to have, with my first kid, where homebirth was almost outlawed, a woman come to my house and inspect it, looking for signs of birth.  It was insulting.  So I get BMs resistance to registering the birth.

She did the right thing for your son.  Period.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:43 AM
1 mom liked this
I have a lot of respect for women who realize that they are not capable of taking care of a child and give their child up for adoption.

Too many people have children that they are not physically, emotionally or financially equipped to care for and the child suffers.
Linagma03
by Platinum Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:43 AM
She sounds like she cared a lot and did what was best for him. Too bad other people wouldn't do that.

When I hear that someone gave their child up for adoption I think they must've had some very good reasons. I don't think badly of anyone who does that. I only think badly of the parents who didn't want their children but won't give them up and finally they do something to have the child/rent taken away by the State.
SithMom71
by Silver Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:43 AM

I always thought giving a child up for adoption was a great sacrifice and wanting the child to have a better life and hoping that that child would be adopted by loving parents. I don't think a person is bad for giving up a child. 

lenashark
by Emerald Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:44 AM

She did want him more than anything in the world, but she had to put his needs before her wants. It killed her to give him up.

Quoting sarastanley88: Hmm sounds like she just didn't want a kid. Good thing she realised that eventually


sarastanley88
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:46 AM
She didn't want him . Your first sentence contradicts itself

Quoting lenashark:

She did want him more than anything in the world, but she had to put his needs before her wants. It killed her to give him up.

Quoting sarastanley88: Hmm sounds like she just didn't want a kid. Good thing she realised that eventually

ajdahd13
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:48 AM
This

Quoting SithMom71:

I always thought giving a child up for adoption was a great sacrifice and wanting the child to have a better life and hoping that that child would be adopted by loving parents. I don't think a person is bad for giving up a child. 

ZennMomma
by Silver Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:48 AM

Theres a stigma about mothers giving up their kids.

I dont understand. Aren't all parents suppose to do what is BEST for the CHILD? If that means they grow up somewhere else with other people why does that mean a mother doesn't love?
Why is it ok for fathers to leave or sign over parent rights etc but not mothers? 

Dardenella
by Ruby Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 12:48 AM

This is a very nice story.

A woman who goes through 9 mmonths of pregnancy and  childbirth and then perhaps keeps her child for a while and then makes the decision to give her child up has to go through some serious pain before during and after the fact.  I am sure some might do it for selfish reasons but I hope that the majority do it because they want a good life for their child and feel that it is not something that theey can provide.  It may be one of the greatest acts of love there is in that womans's life.

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