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Bad news pregnancy!

Posted by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:03 AM
  • 5 Replies

My sister is 27. She has always been immature, and the past 10 years have been awful. 

She was mostly fine until Junior year in high school. Then, she got extremely lazy and withdrawn. She barely managed to graduate high school, and really only did because she was at a private school. I had gone to the same school for Sophomore and Junior years, but was 18 senior year and pulled myself out and enrolled in the public school- this private school was known for giving grades for their high tuition prices. I knew I wasn't prepared for college, and neither was my sister. 

My parents saw the changes in her, but didn't do anything. No therapy, no help. 

She chose a college in North Cali, which is a stoner school. For 5 years, she failed classes and got drunk. My parents kept hoping she would get it together. for 5 years we hardly heard from her, or knew what was going on. Everything she told us would turn out to be a lie. 

She ended up getting a DUI. And a bad one. She was extremely drunk, and didn't even see the cop behind her. She just kept driving, got home, and was almost inside her door when the cops got her. Throughout the whole thing, she acted as though she were a victim, not a drunk idiot. 

She moved into my town, and things seemed to be a bit better. But then the drinking got worse, way worse. She was doing things like finding men on craigslist to come over and have sex. And then she decided to go to rehab. 

She spent 3 months in rehab. It cost my mom $150,000. Then she lived in a sober house for a year. During that time, I hardly heard from her. When I did, she would say how sorry she was that she was a mess and that one of her steps would be writing letters of apology to everyone she wronged. 

She never apologized officially. Last year, she decided she wasn't actually an alcoholic and started drinking again. 

14 years ago, I spent a year in Eastern Europe teaching English in a small school. Since, the school has grown and is trough high school. My family managed to get my sister a teaching spot there, even though she still hasn't finished her AA in ECE, even after 4 years.... anyway, she agrees to go because she has no other options.

It has been a year she she went. She has always smoked, but got up to two packs a day.The drinking is continuing. She has not talked to me the entire year. (Before she left, it was Mother's Day last year. She said she wanted to spent that day with my family, so I planned a big lunch and other fun stuff. She never showed up- she was sleeping. I told her how upset I was, and she got mad, didn't say sorry and hasn't spoken to me since.)

She came home for her first visit in over a year last week. She brings her new boyfriend. Announces she is pregnant with twins. 

What to my parents do? Offer to help them move back to the US and pay for her boyfriend's education. We don't even know this guy! He is from Eastern Europe, and if I were to scam someone into marriage to get to the US, everything my sister has told me would be part of my plan!!! And this is the girl who told me she can't visit my family because she can't be around kids and my are so annoying to her, just the sounds of  their voices upsets her. She spent the year saying she hated teaching kids. 

I am so hurt. Not only does my sister play with my emotions, and never participates fully in a sister-sister relationship, but she is outright mean and dismissive of her entire family. She is lazy, ungrateful, full of hate. And at this point, my family thinks they can't do anything, so instead they just support everything- literally! I have been asking my mom for a loan to expand my business, and she hasn't been interested. But she has spent over $30,000 in the last week getting things set up for my sister and her new family. I feel hurt, and not valued. 

I told my mom I should close my business, take up an addiction, and wait for the rewards to start coming!! That is what she and my dad have taught me through their handling of my sister. 

The wedding is next week. She still isn't speaking to me, since she won't apologize for the Mothers day issue from 1 1/2 years ago. She hasn't told me herself of the pregnancy or wedding. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but how can I go along with this? She has created a huge mess over the part 10 years, and has never taken responsibility for anything. 

I love my sister. I miss her. But how can I just keep pretending it is all ok? I watch my parents doing that, and it is heartbreaking. But my parents are acting like I am creating the drama, because I won't just g along with it. Other family members and family friends see it as I do, and my parents won't hear them either. 

I am also worried about the babies. She has Herpes, but claims it "disappeared" a couple of years ago. She said she doesn't want her fiancee to know, and isn't planning on telling the doctor she has it. And the way she is with pain etc, I am already surprised she hasn't changed her mind and got an abortion. But, she still has time to do that, and knowing her, she would wait until the last moment so it is all as horrible as it possibly can be. 

I see a future without my sister. I suppose I should be used to it, but letting go is hard. How do you just let go? I need advice. And thanks for letting me vent. I wish I'd had time to tell some of the real stories, but then this post would be 100 pages long. :(

CafeMom Tickers
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:03 AM
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Replies (1-5):
JackAttacks
by Angel on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:08 AM
Sounds like a mess.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:12 AM

This sounds like my sister as well. She started drinking at 14, and it got progressively worse over the years, she is a true alcoholic. The only times she has ever taken responsiblilty for her actions is when she went to rehab twice, which didn't last. We think she is sober now and has been on and off, but never sure. She is 34 now and has been living with my parents for about 5 years. She had my neice when she was 21 and my mom has had custody for years because my sister was drinking and neglecting my neice. In some ways, I don't feel like we will ever have a genuine relationship, because I am not sure she is capable of one. Right now, we are nice to each other and talk sporadically. I mourn the close sister relationship we used to have. We are 9 months apart. What can I do though? She made her choices and they were bad. My parents enabled her A LOT thinking they were helping and now they feel like they can never kick her out because it would upset my neice. It's been a constant lose-lose since my sister was 14. We just do the best we can. I hope your sister has stopped drinking during the pregnancy, that is one thing I can say for my sis, she did not drink or smoke while she was pregnant.

cherkahn1
by Bronze Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:18 AM
Thank you for sharing. Knowing I am not alone helps. Also knowing that I am not crazy for not going along with this helps. :)

How is your niece doing? I am already worried I will be taking in twins a year from now... :(

Quoting Anonymous:

This sounds like my sister as well. She started drinking at 14, and it got progressively worse over the years, she is a true alcoholic. The only times she has ever taken responsiblilty for her actions is when she went to rehab twice, which didn't last. We think she is sober now and has been on and off, but never sure. She is 34 now and has been living with my parents for about 5 years. She had my neice when she was 21 and my mom has had custody for years because my sister was drinking and neglecting my neice. In some ways, I don't feel like we will ever have a genuine relationship, because I am not sure she is capable of one. Right now, we are nice to each other and talk sporadically. I mourn the close sister relationship we used to have. We are 9 months apart. What can I do though? She made her choices and they were bad. My parents enabled her A LOT thinking they were helping and now they feel like they can never kick her out because it would upset my neice. It's been a constant lose-lose since my sister was 14. We just do the best we can. I hope your sister has stopped drinking during the pregnancy, that is one thing I can say for my sis, she did not drink or smoke while she was pregnant.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jul. 23, 2014 at 10:41 AM
She is doing pretty well. She gets depressed sometimes because her dad is not in the picture and her mom is like her sister. But she is thankful to have my parents to care for her. She has been in counseling and that helped. I wish she had had a more stable early childhood but we didn't know all that was happening until she was about 3. I was thinking your mom may be trying to keep them close to keep an eye on this situation. Someone should. This may make your sis grow up hopefully. My sister can't literally can't go without having a boyfriend and that drives me nuts bc my niece has seen her go through so many men. About a year ago she discussed the possibility of having another child. We all shuttered, I love my neice to pieces but my sister would be selfish to have another when she can't take care of the one she's got and can't support herself. Sorry for the rant. Ha

Quoting cherkahn1: Thank you for sharing. Knowing I am not alone helps. Also knowing that I am not crazy for not going along with this helps. :)

How is your niece doing? I am already worried I will be taking in twins a year from now... :(

Quoting Anonymous:

This sounds like my sister as well. She started drinking at 14, and it got progressively worse over the years, she is a true alcoholic. The only times she has ever taken responsiblilty for her actions is when she went to rehab twice, which didn't last. We think she is sober now and has been on and off, but never sure. She is 34 now and has been living with my parents for about 5 years. She had my neice when she was 21 and my mom has had custody for years because my sister was drinking and neglecting my neice. In some ways, I don't feel like we will ever have a genuine relationship, because I am not sure she is capable of one. Right now, we are nice to each other and talk sporadically. I mourn the close sister relationship we used to have. We are 9 months apart. What can I do though? She made her choices and they were bad. My parents enabled her A LOT thinking they were helping and now they feel like they can never kick her out because it would upset my neice. It's been a constant lose-lose since my sister was 14. We just do the best we can. I hope your sister has stopped drinking during the pregnancy, that is one thing I can say for my sis, she did not drink or smoke while she was pregnant.

cherkahn1
by Bronze Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 10:09 AM

Don't know if this post is still anywhere anyone will be reading it....

But it all got worse. My mom told my sister that she won't financially support my sister unless she changes her behavior. So my sister is going to get an abortion. Ultimately, I have to admit that an abortion is probably the best choice. But at the same time, it is such a sad unnecessary choice. My sister is lucky to come from a family that can support and help her, and could make her life easy. But she chooses to be so difficult and mean. 

I am so sad. 

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