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I didn't know where else to go..

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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This is the wrong group to post this but I wanted to go Anon for it and looking for many opinions and support.

I have two 15 yet old step children who we have every other weekend and 1 day during the week. We had a good relationship with their mom and if the kids want to come over on "her day" they can and she is fine with it as they are older now.

Anyway, BM has a brain tumor. She had been in remission for a few years and doing well until 6 months ago and things changed. But the prognosis was good with low doses of chemo. Well she called yesterday and things have changed again and not for the better. She is scared . When my husband first researched her diagnosis years ago the long term life expectancy was not good. I'm thinking that maybe her original info wasn't totally accurate for to how well she did.

Anyway we are now facing an uphill medical battle where her chances of survival are really low. How do we help the kids through this? We figured that we would let them decide whether to come depending on how she is doing on specific weekends but BM said that they should be getting out of the house..

We are at a lose.. How do you deal with your kids losing their mom? Do we talk to them about it, wait for them to say something, let them take the lead what??
Any suggestions or info in general would be very helpful and appreciated.
Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:02 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Lunarprancer
by Betsy on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:05 AM
Bump
JulyBabies
by Platinum Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:06 AM

I would just let them know that you are always there. Everyone is different and some people don't want to be forced to talk. 15 is such a hard age to begin with, I'd follow their cues. If counseling is an option, they may prefer a third party. 

mojogirl
by Ouiser Boudreaux on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:08 AM

bump

Danesmommy1
by Grammar Enthusiast on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:09 AM
Omgoodness, I couldn't imagine. Reassure them that you love them and will care for them. Perhaps consider therapy for them as well.
BettyBoop8
by Silver Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:10 AM

Wow.  I am sorry that you are having to deal with such a difficult situation.

Your stepchildren are old enough that you and dh should talk to them about it, but you should take your cues from them as to how much they really want to hear and how often they want to talk about it.  Let them know that you are always available and follow their lead. 

Good luck.

km1970
by Platinum Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:11 AM

DH, mom and you should get together and talk. Get her input on how she would like her final days, weeks, months..etc. to be. Get on the same page of how to help the kids through this time. Try to be consistent as possible with whatever you decide. It may also benefit to talk to her dr. about speaking to a counselor or hospice counselor about the kids and how best to help them through this time. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:11 AM
Thank you..

Quoting BettyBoop8:

Wow.  I am sorry that you are having to deal with such a difficult situation.


Your stepchildren are old enough that you and dh should talk to them about it, but you should take your cues from them as to how much they really want to hear and how often they want to talk about it.  Let them know that you are always available and follow their lead. 


Good luck.

LoveMyBug2013
by Silver Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:11 AM

They are 15.  Be honest and treat them like adults.  Let them be involved in decision making. 

I'm so sorry you are all going through this.  Being a stable and supportive force in the kids' lives is crucial right now.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:27 AM
So sorry for what you all are going through, it's heartbreaking situation for your step children. I would be patient and understanding with them and just be there for them if they need you & your dh. Sometimes all they might need is someone to listen to them. And definitely be flexible with they time they spend with her. They will probably spend more time with her now than with you guys, let them know that's totally ok.

And if they say something in the heat of the moment, especially towards you, be a little more lenient & patient, wait to talk to them once they cool down. Reassure them that you will always be there for them but will never replace their mom.

Good luck to all of you.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:37 AM
Thank you, and yes we will be very flexible. This past weekend was hard as I have an illness that is in a bad flair right now (I have Lupus) and unfortunately I have been in bed for a week including the weekend. They know that normally I try to be as active as possible, especially when they are here but right now is just not possible. So seeing me like this us their mom it was a lot. We have them the choice beforehand letting them know how I was but they still came. They have their little brother here who they adore and my Step daughter is a total daddy's girl..

I'm just so sad and at a loss...

Quoting Anonymous: So sorry for what you all are going through, it's heartbreaking situation for your step children. I would be patient and understanding with them and just be there for them if they need you & your dh. Sometimes all they might need is someone to listen to them. And definitely be flexible with they time they spend with her. They will probably spend more time with her now than with you guys, let them know that's totally ok.

And if they say something in the heat of the moment, especially towards you, be a little more lenient & patient, wait to talk to them once they cool down. Reassure them that you will always be there for them but will never replace their mom.

Good luck to all of you.
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