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selfish to ask for vasectomy at 20? *edit*

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 54 Replies
So. DF and I, both 20 years old, are pregnant with the first baby for both of us, individually and together. Well, having low level spina bifida, which causes pilonidal disease, which flares up into life threatening infections with emergency surgeries during pregnancy, has changed our life plan. We wanted to have 7 children, but decided that instead of risking surgeries that would cause early labor that doctors would do nothing about, endangering my life, or torturing future babies with all of the drugs and painkillers I need during these times, we would give birth to our son and have no more biological children. We were both heartbroken. We've come to some sort of peace with it, though we know there will be hard times when baby fever shows up or things like that.


Well, now the bc talk. He knows that I won't be able to get my tubes tied til I'm quite a bit older or have a decent amount of children (SIL got hers tied in her 20s but already had 8 kids). It would be hard to find someone to give him a vasectomy at his age, but not impossible. They're easier to heal from, less invasive, we don't have to wait years and run the risk of another pregnancy. It's the best option. However, df doesn't want to do it. Why? "I just don't want to". He has no legitimate reason, he just doesn't want to. I ask if maybe he thinks he may remarry if we separate and he may want more children, no we're getting married and staying together. So I don't get it? He said he's vaguely worried about his sex drive but it doesn't decrease that. And he said he doesn't want to "just be good for working and making money". I don't know what that even means. He said we'll just go with the flow and see what happens, I refused. I'm not putting my life or my possible future child's life in danger again. This experience has been full of so much heartbreak, and I also have to think of the son I will have already given birth to, and him growing up without his mommy. When I said okay I'll get an iud or something then get my tubes tied, he said no, fine, I'll do it.


I don't understand what the problem could be? Am I being selfish for wanting to discuss this as the most logical option? Is it about the having no more children? I just don't know.

*edit* I don't want to run the risk of an iud messing up and I'd still have to go back and get it replaced til old enough.
Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:25 PM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:30 PM
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At 20 it seems extreme to ask him to get snipped. My dh did it but he was 26 and we have 3 kids. I would of never asked him at 20. I didn't ask him at 26 lol he just decided he was OK with it.
Is an IUD not an option for you? Talked with your obgyn about your health concerns ? Maybe knowing the risk a baby puts you at they would be more open to a tubal.
You can't force him or resent him for not being comfortable with it.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:33 PM
1 mom liked this
Get an IUD. Hopefully this works

I wouldn't ask someone so young to do that
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:35 PM
2 moms liked this
I wouldn't expect a man at 20 to get his tubes tied when he's not even married yet.
zacmacsmomm
by Ruby Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:37 PM

He seems to think that getting cut would make him hand in his man card.  He's only 20 and still a boy, and boys are stupid :).  But if this is an issue then talk to your doc about the IUD or geting your tubes tied.  With your medical history and the risks involved the doctor would probably do it.  Best of luck.

ELKmountain.mom
by Peepers on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:38 PM

I think it's the safest choice but it's alsoma big one, I would take some kind of long term birth control till he is more comfortable. It's a life changing choice that would be harder to make at that age

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:39 PM
4 moms liked this

Given your medical condition, you should be able to get your tubes tied without much issue.

Tuned.Out
by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:42 PM
4 moms liked this

It is the safest choice, and most beneficial in the long run. Decades of birth control isn't that fun or cheap.

However... The reality is you are both just 20. And you aren't married yet. Having a vasectomy would be a major game changer for him. I'm going come across as a real asshole right now. But... Who knows how much long you two will be together.* I hope it's a lifetime.* But there are no guarantees. I can honestly say, that if my son was not sure about something like this at only 20 I would tell him not to do it now, to wait and see a few years from now.

jas_momof2
by アニメの雌犬 on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:45 PM

Selfish?  Yes

Not_A_Native
by Ruby Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:46 PM

Given that most marriages that start at this age do NOT last, I can see him not wanting to have it done.  I would advise against it.  Get an IUD.

jennierenna
by Silver Member on Jul. 23, 2014 at 4:47 PM

  That's such a big decision and there's so much that could change in the next few years for the both of you. I wouldn't ask that of him. 

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