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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Disagreements over parenting with DH

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 21 Replies

Hubby has the REALLY bad habit of doing nothing but lecturing our 5 y/o and instituting ridiculous punishments if he's in a bad mood (DHs bad mood not 5 y/o's bad mood) ..  It annoys the hell out of me .. I mean our 5 y/o will squirm wrong while DH is reading to him and he will chastize him about it and tell him that he will take him to bed.   Also, his consequences in general will be way out of line.  Like, 5 y/o will disregard a "stop that" with banging a toy on the side of the barn or popping his lips and immediately it is "go inside and go to bed" ..  not "I'm going to take away the toy" or "I'm going to take away reading time" ..   It wasn't even a safety thing and was just a minor annoyance but that is the consequence he'll go with and then I'm supposed to back him up. 

Then I have a 5 yo in my house very upset who is supposed to be going to bed for annoying his dad and is in tears because he's been hearing nothing but negative speech from his dad all evening (I can hear them from in here) and I won't do it.  I won't put him to bed for something like that.  Plus I'm usually in the middle of mopping a floor or scrubbing windows and why can't daddy come put him to bed if that's the consequence he chose?!  If it's a safety issue, if he was being mean, if he was being really destructive.. sure I'll hit pause and put the kiddo to bed since it will take me half the time.  But I'm not going to be the bad guy over that kind of ridiculousness.  Making an annoying noise is not put to bed worthy in my book.   Hubby says "he needs to learn to listen to me!"    He DOES almost ALWAYS listen to you, just not about absolutely EVERYTHING, because he's A KID..  You just fail to notice the 99% of the time that our child listens and instead choose to focus on when he does not.  This gets 100x worse when you are in a poor mood.  And that is ssssssoooo upsetting!

I am conflicted a bit though.  I think it sounds rosy and merry to always back your spouse up on their parenting, and I almost always back up DH, but to me this just seems like DH doesn't think he is listened to because he is too busy focusing on negative interactions and when he's grumpy tries to grumpily micromanage what our child is doing and then loses patience...   Then he won't admit he was being too harsh or negative.  

I mean if I am a bit too harsh because of my own mood I admit it and apologize.  I don't understand the mindset that a parent should appear as though they never make mistakes or never get into bad moods and it affects their judgment.  Of course parents have bad moods, but you have to own up to it. 

I just wish DH would tell me when he's in one of those moods and me and the kids will just go out and get ice cream leave him to go to bed or whatever it is he really wanted to do.  



Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:37 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:42 PM

B

Bieg9093
by Silver Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:43 PM

That's a very valid concern.  And I have no idea what I'd do.

He doesn't appear to feel remorse later or the next day?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:43 PM

u

MilkLover0203
by Platinum Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:45 PM
I feel your pain. I really do. My husband has no patience for the children.
MixedCooke
by Platinum Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:46 PM

hubby and I dont agree on parenting either.  He is more lenient and I am more strict.  He will tell them something 5 times before he gets upset, I will tell them once and then they have to the count of 5 to get them done.  I have them put their plates in the sink after I feed them with him they just leave it on the table. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:46 PM
I would just stand my ground on the issue. Kids are noisy and love to move around...if he couldn't handle that why did he have kids???
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:48 PM

No, he does not seem to feel bad at all.  He usually just turns it to feeling mad at me about it for the night and then forgives me because he doesn't like to hang on to things.  

Quoting Bieg9093:

That's a very valid concern.  And I have no idea what I'd do.

He doesn't appear to feel remorse later or the next day?


wamom223
by Gold Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:49 PM

I think you should just ask him to tell you when he's in a bad mood.   We own our own business and work from home and it can be hard because anyone's bad mood can effect the whole house so we have to be aware and communication is key.  We just do what you suggested and be honest (even though it sucks sometimes) and then the other one can handle it.  But I do think your husband should understand that without a warning or explaining what is expected of him a 5 year old wriggly little boy is just going to make you moodier if you are already there.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:50 PM
My dh is like that sometimes too. Usually I can tell he is in one of those moods and will take the kids out for awhile so he can have sometime to his self. I never say anything about his parenting/disipline techniques in front of our children because I feel like that's undermining him and it might make the kids think they don't have to mind him. However if I do feel like he is overreacting I will almost always immediately pull him aside and tell him so. We don't always agree but we know that we need to work together.
ms_amanda
by Bronze Member on Jul. 26, 2014 at 12:00 AM

Maybe in a situation like that, you can butt in and say everyone needs a time out. Pull dh aside and tell him flat out he's over punishing him. Stand your ground and stand strong. Advocate for your child. No kid deserves to be sent to bed for making a noise. Children are meant to be seen and not heard has been abolished long ago! Dh and I do the time out things when we disagree about the consequence to a behavior. We go to the garage for our time out, and talk about the issues. This way the kids don't see us argue, we appear to be relatively on the same page as we come in as an united force once we've resolved it and agreed upon a solution.

You could also look up some positive parenting classes in your area. Here, there are plenty, and they're free of charge. Maybe phrase it that you'd like to go, and you'd love him to come too. Make it seem as if he's there to support you.

Good luck, I hope you manage to figure this one out.

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