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How important is intelligence equality in your relationship?

Posted by on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:00 AM
  • 221 Replies
4 moms liked this
During a dinner party we were discussing the importance of being of equal (or near equal) intelligence with your spouse.

When I was younger, I thought none of that mattered... Until I married my first husband. Now he wasn't dumb or even below average intelligence but we were at very different levels. He would complain that I talked down to him and despite my best efforts I realized that I was in his mind and definition. When I corrected it I felt like I wasn't myself. I would have to use smaller words or explain things differently etc..

Now when he said I was talking down.. It wasn't me being rude or mean.. He meant it in that I would use words he didn't know or topics that were beyond him and take it as an insult.

Anyway, we got divorced (for many other reasons) and my "new" husband is an intellectual equal. It makes life so much easier and more fun!
Now everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.. I may have a large vocab but I suck at spelling.. I don't care about people's book smarts and many things make a person, however in a spouse I have now come to realize that it's important.

What are your thoughts? Do you think it's important? Has it caused issues in your relationships? If you have a big gap and have no issues, how do you balance things and make it work?

And before I get bashed.. I'm not taking about stupidity.. There are different levels of intelligence and even people considered highly intelligent may have issues with a genius... That's the gaps I mean.
by on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:00 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:02 AM
Yes and no. My ex was smarter in some ways and way dumber in a lot of ways. It caused a whole bunch of problems in our relationship. My current bf is about equally matched in intelligence and wit so we are a perfect fit.
mamashealovekin
by Bronze Member on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:04 AM
Yes.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:08 AM
1 mom liked this
It definitely makes a difference to me. I had similar issues to yours with my first husband. We also ended up divorced. My current husband has an intellectual level similar to mine, the conversations are much better and we talk about a wider variety of subjects.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:08 AM
2 moms liked this
I'm not sure if intelligence is how I would put it. It definitely matters to me that I don't have to explain everything I say, but I think it has more to do with interests. I want to be able to talk about politics, current events, books, etc and I couldn't be married to someone that had no idea what's going on in the world.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:10 AM
To me, its very important. I've been both smarter and not as smart as exes of mine. I am highly intelligent but not genius.

One guy I dated was at a genius level and I loved that he was smart, but he couldn't relax and let loose and be a person who had fun. He had to he on genius level at all times. It was a little much for me. He married someone who was of average intelligence and they eventually divorced.

Another guy was of average to below average intelligence and looking back I honestly don't even know what I saw in him. We had fun together but we never really talked.

My husband is highly intelligent, and it's awesome. We have fun AND talk about everything. We have the best of both worlds.
Tiff22Faith
by Member on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:13 AM

I consider it very important to have a narrow gap in levels of intelligence.  Luckily, SO and I are pretty close in that though he considers me talking down to or demeaning him at times. The only issue is that he is more logical then me while I am more creative. We think with different parts of our brains and so we get frustrated at each other sometimes over certain things or words.

JTE11
by Gold Member on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:14 AM

I think it's hugely important. Marriage is difficult enough to keep going these days. You need to be and stay connected at all levels and I can't see the benefit in choosing someone you have to struggle just to talk to. There are different types of intelligence but I think it helps if your minds work similarly.

isell_avon
by ♥Janet♥ on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:14 AM
1 mom liked this

Well I suppose it matters a little. My current bf is college educated but I am not. I am not dumb though we have a lot of intellectual talks because I actually like to know what's going on in this world and I am constantly looking for new ways to educate myself. We discuss a lot of topics and read the same books. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:16 AM
4 moms liked this
I don't think it matters. My husband way smarter than I am. I have learned a lot from him and feel comfortable asking him questions about things that others would make me feel stupid for. And he loves talking to me about stuff and educating me. He doesn't talk down to me. He takes his time and explains things so I understand. I think we are a good match. He has a lot of friends to talk to that are more on his level so it works.
Remy11
by Gold Member on Aug. 4, 2014 at 11:16 AM
That can be an issue too as people do think with different parts of their brain... Having common ground though is important.

Quoting Tiff22Faith:

I consider it very important to have a narrow gap in levels of intelligence.  Luckily, SO and I are pretty close in that though he considers me talking down to or demeaning him at times. The only issue is that he is more logical then me while I am more creative. We think with different parts of our brains and so we get frustrated at each other sometimes over certain things or words.

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