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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Do you let your kids win every time?

Posted by on Aug. 5, 2014 at 9:39 AM
  • 25 Replies

Kids & Competition: Should We Always Let Them Win?

by Kristen Howerton

kids and competition

I just went to a fair with my kids, where all four of them participated in a hula-hoop contest. My children are not world-class hula-hoopers. They are mediocre at best and didn't outlast the winner. It was just something fun for them to do.

But guess what? They all won participant ribbons! So forever we can celebrate and remember their mediocrity at rotating a plastic hoop around their hips.

Sigh. They loved the ribbons. They smiled and proudly showed them to Dad, who secretly rolled his eyes at me afterward. There's something really annoying about the fact that we've created a culture where we can't allow kids NOT to win. We don't want our kids to think they are less than the best.

The result is that we've created a sense of entitlement in them. They participate in something and are disappointed not to get recognition when it's over. They don't learn how to lose or how to deal with momentary insignificance. This can be a big barrier against self-discovery.

Psychologist Sara Dimerman, author of Character Is the Key: How to Unlock the Best in Our Children and Ourselves, has written extensively about kids and competition. "Unfortunately, if a child always has to win to feel good about herself, she might actually be at greater risk for feeling bad. Learning how to cope with placing second or even last goes a long way toward boosting a child’s self-esteem. Children who know their own strengths and how to focus on their personal best often develop a healthier sense of self-worth than those who always need to win."

Real life is not about winning every competition. Unless you're LeBron James, you don't grow up getting trophies in every sport. (Well, maybe he did growing up, but it hasn't always happened as an adult.)

The hula-hoop competition of life doesn't hand out participant ribbons.

That was a weird sentence. But it's true. There are distinct benefits to NOT winning all the time. Losing increases determination to do better next time. It makes you practice more. It makes you study harder. Losing can be the best motivator for kids to put effort into getting better ... or to realize that maybe the hula hoop isn't for them, and they need to try something else.

I understand how awards can be great motivators. Kids like be recognized, just like adults do. But automatic awards can cause kids to under-perform because, if everyone wins something, they don't have to do their best.

In my experience, when kids lose at something but aren't used to experiencing that kind of difficulty, it generally leads them to a couple of negative outcomes. One, they might quit. Because the pain or disappointment or frustration is too hard, and they don't know how to handle it. Or two, because they don't want to experience failure again, they turn to more drastic measures. They cheat. They play dirty. The fear of failure is so uncomfortable that they'd rather cut corners so they don't have to experience it again.

Kids need to learn how to handle failure. They need experience at losing -- and losing gracefully.

We should be teaching our kids that success comes from hard work, patience, and determination. That recognition comes from doing things well. That rewards come from perseverance and trying again if they fail. If they get rewarded for simply showing up, they learn nothing. 

My kids know when they're good at something. They also notice when someone else is better than them at something. So if I'm constantly telling them they're the best at one thing and it's clear that they absolutely are not, then will they learn not to trust what I say? Am I creating an environment where my opinion must be taken with a grain of salt? Maybe. "If my parents tell me I'm the best at everything when I know I'm not, how will I know when they are actually telling me the truth?" 

Good question.

Kids love competition, but they need to know how to handle winning and losing at it. Winning is the easy part. Let's teach our kids to be better losers. It helps them be better sports. It helps them learn to handle their emotions. It makes them better people -- the kind of kids who won't throw a fit or flip over the board game or fling a baseball bat into the crowd out of frustration. It helps them learn to be good competitors who will congratulate the winning team and be happy for other people.

That's what I want my kids to be, and I'm pretty sure a wall of participation ribbons in their bedroom isn't gonna help.

Do you let your kids win every time you compete with each other?

by on Aug. 5, 2014 at 9:39 AM
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Replies (1-10):
sissyboogs
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 9:41 AM
2 moms liked this
I didn't read all of that, but to answer the question...no. I think they need to learn to be gracious losers as well as gracious winners.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Aug. 5, 2014 at 4:46 PM

Nope.... I beat SD at Wii games all the time :)

almburr
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 4:48 PM
1 mom liked this
No. To win,sometimes you must fail first,
mommasnail
by Silver Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 4:49 PM

Nope, I feel like letting them win constantly isn't doing them any favors. 

Danesmommy1
by Grammar Enthusiast on Aug. 5, 2014 at 4:50 PM
Nope, we take Trivial Pursuit very seriously, lol. I'll slaughter that little fella to win.
228mommy922
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 4:51 PM
No. Your only harming your kids if you do.
Blooming_Lotus
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 5:00 PM

They aren't always winning my getting a participation ribbon. They didn't get first prize, therefore they didn't win. My kids are in martial arts. They did tournament last year. They got first in certain activities and didn't get 1st in others. My ODD was one of four girls who competed in sparring. She badly sprained her ankle in the first match. Of course she didn't win, she is well aware she lost (technically 4th place but the 3rd and 4th place girls both got 3rd place trophies, which I don't really agree with but that's how our school does it) and we have a picture of her and her BFF (who did get first place and deserved it) holding their trophies and smiling while my DD was being treated by the Dr. She congratulated her friend on winning the competition and says she wants to work hard and hope for better luck this year in hopes of winning (which probably won't happen, she's pretty clumsy and her BFF has got some mean natural talent). The fact that she didn't win doesn't take away from her pride in that trophy, which doesn't represent winning or losing in our home but how much effort she puts into her sport. 

lenashark
by Ruby Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 5:02 PM

I do not always let my kids win. We also have rules about being a good sport and being a good winner, if they lose they are to walk up and say good game to the winner, no crying or getting mad or they aren't allowed to play anymore. My seven year old is on a tennis team, if a kid throws their raquet because they lost and are mad, they had to run laps and sit out the rest of the day. However, I don't see the harm in a participation ribbon. I am not in support of everyone getting the same size trophy, I think the winner should be recognized, but a ribbon or a small trophy is more of just a keep sake, something to hold onto and remember the fun they had playing, its not saying that they won.

momto2boys973
by Emerald Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 5:14 PM
2 moms liked this
Nope. This is why we're facing a generation of selfish, entitled brats.
wamom223
by Gold Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 5:37 PM

Nope we do not let him win.  We want him to understand how much you can learn from losing and that most importantly that is usually how you figure out how to win.  We also try to play games with teamwork so he understands that.  

Funny I just realized we signed him up for a Tball league that did keep score but I don't ever really remember hearing who was winning or losing.  

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