Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I resent my family for leaving me in this position! Help! Kinda long

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 31 Replies

Growing up, we had my grandparents live with us for a long time.  They really couldn't live alone and my aunt wasn't having it.  My parents decided to let them live with us (I was a teen) as long as they could and after my grandfather passed, and I was long married in another state, my parents put my grandmother in an elder care community.

Also growing up my parents assured me that they would never put me in this position; to take care of an elderly parent.  Having grandparents living with us was cool for me (and I guess my brother but he was 4 years older and never really lived in the house full time being in college) but I know it put a big strain on my parents marriage.  They stayed married until my mom died 8 years ago from lung cancer.  My dad lives on the East cost and we live on the West cost.

My dad is ornary.  I love him, but he is not easy to get along with.  He has his opinions and they are right whether or not they are (you know what I mean).  He is 72, from New York, and is a typical New Yorker.  Not easy to get along with.  He also has a bunch of medical problems including walking and cannot live by himself across the country.

Also, my dad isn't talking to my brother who is a freakin' doctor, living in a mansion with his trophy yet nurse wife.  That argument isn't going to resolve itself soon so this is falling on me.

I am so resentftul.  If my mom was alive she could coax him into a community that would be benefitial to him she died because she smoked.  I tried to decades to stop her.  My brother, who could pull the "I'm a doctor" card (my dad's generation practically worshiped docs) won't even try to help and my dad wouldn't listen to him anyway.  

So me, the girl, has to take this on myself.  Not only won't my dad listen to me (his generation has a prejudice against women in general), but he has to move in with us until I can convince him to find a place with help for him.  This includes remodeling the downstairs so he can walk and such without hurting himself. Replacing the tub in the bathroom with a shower, rugs and the like.  The cost is expensive and the time away from handling my family will be a strain.  But my husband, bless his heart, is OK with it.

So, I am resentful.  Seriously.  It will probably end up with him living with us for a long time and it just seems like it is impossible.  I don't even want to bring up the fact that he may have to give up his driving liscence soon.

Help!  Any words of wisdom?

Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:28 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
yksmom
by Bronze Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:35 AM
1 mom liked this
Ask your brother to help with the cost. Even if they are not getting along, that may be something he's willing to do.

Keep your sense of humor.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:37 AM
Sorry no advice here I'm at least 100% sure that when that time comes and my parents can't take care of themselves it will be my responsibility to take care of them I already cover there bills for the most part
SadisticPretzel
by Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:38 AM

Bump

PinkButterfly66
by Emerald Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:45 AM
2 moms liked this

Just say no.  Say dad, suck it up.  Go live with brother.  Or tell your brother to fork over money to put him in a cushy assisted living community.  

AngryBob
by Platinum Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:49 AM
1 mom liked this

i wouldn't do it.

your most important priority is your family. by family i mean your husband and your kids. if his being there will disrupt their lives in a negative way, he cannot be there.

especially since he has options, he's just being a stubborn asshole about it. that's on him.

WickedOpal
by Silver Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:50 AM

I say go with ALF.   Brother can afford it.  This is coming from a nurse who worked LTC for years.

snowball01201
by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:51 AM
2 moms liked this

Did your parents complain like this when they were raising you and your brother? I understand it's a lot of responsibility, but so was raising 2 kids for them. I don't understand why people bitch and complain about taking care of their parents if/when the time comes. When the time comes, I will GLADLY take care of my mother and give her the same loving care she gave me. I'm sorry that you find your father to be such a burden, at least your husband is on board

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:53 AM

Just don't do it.  Period.  There is no obligation, it's also not like he has no other options. I'm sure he has financial resources and that your brother would kick in some money for a care home.  Don't be a pushover.  He's only 72, he could have decades of living ahead of him.  Is your life and your family life worth so little? You only have one life to live yourself. Don't be a martyr.  There are tons of fabulous care homes out there, so many different types depending on the type of care he really needs. A guy with an opinion would no doubt love to share that with as many people as possible in a social setting with his peers.

Much as I love my parents and we all get along, they don't plan to live with us and I know it would ruin our relationship and I'd run away from my home or become a drunk.  Seriously.  Not worth it.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:54 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting snowball01201:

Did your parents complain like this when they were raising you and your brother? I understand it's a lot of responsibility, but so was raising 2 kids for them. I don't understand why people bitch and complain about taking care of their parents if/when the time comes. When the time comes, I will GLADLY take care of my mother and give her the same loving care she gave me. I'm sorry that you find your father to be such a burden, at least your husband is on board

No comparison.  I hate this argument.  Children have no choice whether they are born or not, no choice in how they are raised. 

thefiregoddess
by Ruby Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 1:59 AM

Nope, do not do it. Call adult protective services where your dad lives and let THEM force him. I would not invite an elderly parent into my home with a shitty attitude.

My mother knows flat out when the time comes, I will allow her to live with me on he condition that its MY house, MY rules and she needs to keep her shitty shit to herself or she goes straight to the shittiest nursing home I can find.  I used to work in nursing homes.. she knows I'm serious.

(Can you tell I have parental issues?)

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)