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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

unfinished business

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 14 Replies
I'm 37. My mom will be 69 in November. She is slowly dying of terminal breast cancer. My post is about a few things.
I've always been super close to her. We have an excellent relationship.
My issue is this: when I was 7 her live in boyfriend molested me repeatedly. He beat the daylights out of her routinely. Also she hired a male babysitter who molested me a few times also. Years later she says, "I had a feeling that was going on." Then why didn't you stop it.
Also at one point she chose men over me. She quit smoking because she couldn't bring herself to smoke in a man's luxury van. I was abandoned in an apartment with little food. Yes, she paid the rent and utilities. But I lived alone. I was 12.
As she goes through the process of dying I'm broken hearted. But I'm still that molested, abandoned and hurt child.
I ask this, do I keep my mouth closed and allow her to not know my pain. OR Do I talk to her?
Please be kind, this isn't easy for me.
Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 7, 2014 at 12:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:46 AM
Bump
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:49 AM
1 mom liked this
Damn this is a tough one. I think if you don't talk to her it will eat you up.
CrimsonRose01
by ~Cassandra~ on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:52 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm so sorry for what you went through, and what you are going through now. I don't have an answer for that, personally, I would probably not say anything if my relationship with her was good at this point, because  I wouldn't want her to feel bad on top of everything else. I'm sure she feels bad about that already. I understand the need to talk about it and get answers though. Have you not talked about it before?. Are you/have you been in therapy? That would give you someone to talk to, and perhaps they could tell you what the right thing would be. I'm so very sorry, I couldn't even imagine. ((hugs)). 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:54 AM
That's what I keep thinking. I just don't want to burden her further. Or make her feel guilty. I just have a feeling that she needs to know how its affected me.

Quoting Anonymous: Damn this is a tough one. I think if you don't talk to her it will eat you up.
Book.Strumpet
by Fountain.Pirate on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:59 AM
1 mom liked this

 Time's short, now is the time to get it fully out in the open, allow her to say what she will, let it all go, and try to move forward, and heal.

Nothing she says will change the past, and most probably, you won't find anything she says acceptable. It will most likely make you angry, sad, even depressed, but it will help you. You will know that finally you had the strength to have confronted her, and those demons, and acknowledged openly how it affected you, and still hurts you. Which does allow you to finally try, and put it in the past, and hopefully realize, that you can finally move forward away from it.

But dear, you need to be working with a therapist, so she can help you gain the skills you need to move forward fully, and be as healthy as possible.

Amended to add: Pending death is the great equalizer. She might surprise you, and wish/need to talk also, and admit her failings, acknowledge your pain, and so she can also move forward in her final days with some bit of peace.

Good luck.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 14, 2014 at 5:00 AM
Thank you. I was in therapy for years but they focused on the sexual abuse. No one addressed the abandonment issues. I've talked to her before but she kinda sugar coats the abuse. I'm so close to her that I am broken from her being sick and I just don't want to further hurt her.

Quoting CrimsonRose01:

I'm so sorry for what you went through, and what you are going through now. I don't have an answer for that, personally, I would probably not say anything if my relationship with her was good at this point, because  I wouldn't want her to feel bad on top of everything else. I'm sure she feels bad about that already. I understand the need to talk about it and get answers though. Have you not talked about it before?. Are you/have you been in therapy? That would give you someone to talk to, and perhaps they could tell you what the right thing would be. I'm so very sorry, I couldn't even imagine. ((hugs)). 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 14, 2014 at 5:00 AM
If it were me I would want to know. But moms in denial don't take news like that well. My mom was an alcoholic. She would leave my sisters and I with strangers, or alone in motel rooms so she could go party. As a result I ended up in foster care. As I got older I decided being mad at her and resenting her was only hurting me. So I wrote her a letter telling her that I forgave her for abandoning me. I thought she would say sorry or thank you or something but instead she got really mad and told me to go away. Some moms don't like to be faced with the truth of the pain they causes.

Quoting Anonymous: That's what I keep thinking. I just don't want to burden her further. Or make her feel guilty. I just have a feeling that she needs to know how its affected me.

Quoting Anonymous: Damn this is a tough one. I think if you don't talk to her it will eat you up.
booaura
by Platinum Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 5:03 AM
2 moms liked this
That is tough...but at the same time, also simple. Talk to her. This is your last chance and if she loves you, she wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life wondering and regretting not talking about this.
oliveoyl214
by Platinum Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 5:03 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm so sorry that you had to endure this mama :(

I think you should talk to her and tell her how you feel. You deserve closure and some answers. My mother was in a similar situation and she kept her pain to herself and she always regretted it. Talking about what you need to with your mom might be able to give her peace as well to make ammends with you. Hang in there mama *lots of hugs*


white_wolf454
by Platinum Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 5:03 AM
2 moms liked this

Talk to her or write it out in a letter because you won't get another chance for closure . I am sorry you've gone threw hell and some of it i know and understand . So Talk to her work it out have last few laughs and tears because this is both your chance to heal

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