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Update...I missed my daughters ceremony because of her brother and she still won't speak to me or see me

Posted by Anonymous
  • 129 Replies
1 mom liked this

My OP. I missed my daughter's ceremony because her brother had an absolutely horrible meltdown. I spologized profusely but she was still furious. She then didn't show up for Easter without calling or texting. She then didn't invite me to her graduation because "I wouldn't have bothered to show up anyway".

It's been months and she hasn't come by to visit me. Her brother is devastated and doesn't understand why his sister won't come see him or call him like she used to. If I call her or text her, she'll answer me but won't initiate it EVER. I told her I wanted to figure out how to spend a day with just her and she responded "LOL ya, okay, I'll believe that when I see it".

I offered family counselling on the phone one night and she just exploded saying I was a horrible mom to her, I always put her on the back burner, I didn't love her as much as I love my son and that the final straw for her was "his stupid little tantrum being more important than a once in a lifetime thing". She then said it was pathetic I keep trying, that her and her boyfriend laugh at me and my "big promises" of a manicure alone "as if she's supposed to be impressed at such a big gesture", sarcastically.

I'm truly at a loss. I've started coming to terms with the fact that it's as if I've lost my daughter. I know it's my fault but I can change the past and she won't even give me a chance to change the future. :(
Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:04 PM
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by Platinum Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:06 PM
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So take action plan a day and show up to do something with her. Try to make a habit of it and show her she isn't on your back burner. I know it'll be hard but you have to find a balance.. She deserves her mom just as much as your son does
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:06 PM
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What did you expect?
by Ruby Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:09 PM
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I read your original post and I hate to say this, but, at least for now, it seems that ship has sailed. All of the times you had to give her what she needed from you and you gave her nothing. That wears on a person and hurts them badly. Eventually they just give up. I understand your son has serious needs, but so did your daughter. She felt ignored, unwanted, and unloved by the person that is never supposed to make her feel that way. You nedd to just leave her be. Maybe some day she will come around. In the meantime you need to find programs to help your son so if/when she ever decides to give you another chance you can be available to her instead of cancelling last minute because your son needs you more. Fact is so did your daughter and you ignored her needs.
by Grammar Enthusiast on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:12 PM
5 moms liked this
I'm still on her side.
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:12 PM
1 mom liked this
It sounds like you did put her on the back burner. She was your "normal" one, she didn't need as much from you, you thought she'd understand, but she was a little girl who wanted her mommy to love her and pay attention to her.

I understand how hard it can be to find balance, I hope that you will be able to repair your relationship. First you need to understand her feelings and why she feels that way.
by Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:14 PM
17 moms liked this
I think her reply "I'll believe to when I see it" while sounds harsh it's really a tiny cry for help. She basically told you she would believe it when you did it. So do it!!!!! Stop texting her saying you'll do stuff. Get a babysitter for your son and show up on her door and ask to take her to lunch or dinner. Even if you get turned away at the door a few times at least she knows you tried. Keep trying until her heart softens a bit. Maybe there is some truth to you putting your son first? So do something about it. She needs you to SHOW her that you've changed and you will be there for her not just saying it through text or on the phone. And it was a once in a lifetime thing, you may not have been able to help it but she has the right to be devastated. Allow her that feeling. When you talk to her don't defend yourself and go on about how it wasn't your fault. You need to acknowledge her feelings and validate that it was indeed devastating to her. Maybe then you can move forward. Don't defend yourself. Validate her feelings. And SHOW her don't TELL her.
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:17 PM
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I remember you and I still side with her. I still believe that you should have gone. I don't know what you can do at this point. I guess just wait for her to come around when she's ready.

by Ruby Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:18 PM
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You did it to yourself!  I have a child with classic autism so I do know where you are coming from and you were still wrong.

by Donna on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:19 PM

it sounds like your daughter is very hurt by your inattention.i seriously doubt her and her boyfriend'laugh about it' i bet what actually happens is she cries to him..its sad.i understand your son needs you,but so does your daughter.stop saying ill try something and just show up one day and say im all yours.she needs action not promises that you wont keep..

by Platinum Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 12:19 PM
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So, try to take some action. Stop being all talk.

Call her one day and actually make a plan to go see her and spend time. Stick to it and show up to pick her up.

Considering she still talks to you. I think there's hope to repair your relationship. You just need to put in better effort.
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