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And now I will just cry...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 40 Replies
4 moms liked this
Title change due to another post with very similar name!

-/

The birth of my nephew overwhelmed me with love and awakened a longing in me. I was 18, and a freshmen in college. I would have gotten pregnant that day if I could... But it wasn't right. A child needed a family. Educated parents to support him. A home. Every choice was driven by a desire to become who I needed to be to be a mother.

At 22 I graduated and met a man. I fell hard and fast for him and his 2 sweet babies. At 24 we married. He had said all the right things and I believed he was my soul mate.

But when I got pregnant everything changed. He didn't want the child. He wasn't even sure he wanted me. It was fights every day. DH in a deep depression. Crying. And talk of abortion. Yes I was ecstatic, I was in love with my baby! But I couldn't show it because he wasn't. When I was 12 weeks, the day before I was 13, Mother's Day... I lost my baby. He celebrated. I was never the same.

I slowly forgave my husband for the blame I felt towards him. We were okay again. Happy even, as my stepkids grew and we learned to love life as a family! I accepted that my husband had told me we would never have a child together. And tried to find my happiness in the blessings I did have.

Then his eye started to wander but he still adored me. Then, I wasn't enough. Then, he resented me for not being whatever he fantasized about. His transformation was so slow I barely recognized it. He went from doting, loving, wonderful Christian husband to... Well, the man I married seemed like a dream.

As my husband slowly descended into the selfish cheating lying and verbally abusive being he became I agonized over right vs wrong. Do I leave him and abandon the 2 kids I so loved? Or did I sacrifice my own daily joy and the child I longed for to stay by their sides and help them blossom into the wonderful people they were becoming? I may not love their father any more but I felt more deeply for them each day.

By the time I became pregnant the second time I was a shell of the human being I was before. There was no instant flash of love for that little blue line, the squirmy ball of cells inside if me. Apathy. That was all.

I felt love for my dog. For my stepkids. But no love for anything or anyone else. I was depressed, withdrawn, and battling to keep the peace in my home. Joy? It didn't exist any more.

I delayed telling him about the baby. Finally in my 14th week I took the plunge, I told him. He took it better this time, but was unhappy. He didn't participate in anything, naming him, making a nursery, making decisions about prenatal care anything. As my belly grew so did my apathy. I wanted this child. I wanted him, dreamed of him. But even though I tried, I couldn't love him.

He was born and my husband, who had never even bothered to feel my belly as he moved inside, took one look and fell instantly in love. I hated him for that. I knew I loved this child. I asked all the right questions. I did everything I had to. Once I held him it was hard to let go. But I didn't feel it.

For months I was a doting mother on auto pilot. A horrible human being who could no longer feel anything for anybody. I made sure baby (and stepkids and dog) felt loved but I could feel no connection to anything. No emotional bind anywhere any more.

After so much prayer, begging the almighty for guidance: right now, this moment, I finally get it. As he sleeps beside me, my awful husband on the other side, I watch this little creature breathe. My son. Every step I have taken in the last 10 years has led me to right here. From the moment I decided I wanted to be a mother... This is it.

So I'm overwhelmed with love, adoration, and greatfullness.

My dream his finally come true! And he is perfect!
Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:19 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:24 PM
3 moms liked this
I am so glad you have your bond. I'm so sorry that you went through that with your husband. Hugs.

I am not that attached to my DH. He can be challenging as well. I absolutely adore our son. He's what I wanted and who he should be. Ours. Even if dad isn't the best husband and sometimes not the perfect father. My son is exactly who I wanted in my life.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:26 PM
2 moms liked this
Sounds like you had some severe depression before the baby was born and ppd after the baby was born.
4girlsmum
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:28 PM
1 mom liked this

Glad you wrote this, when you are feeling low in the future, come back to this......remember this feeling, it's magical is it not? Life is not perfect, but some moments of it are close to it.

Gwynyth
by Silver Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:33 PM
I'm so sooty it has been hard for you, but I'm so glad you feel that love for your son!!!! Nothing is greater, and that love will grow and grow and grow!!!
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:34 PM
Thank you for the suggestion. I'll remember to come back here. :)

Quoting 4girlsmum:

Glad you wrote this, when you are feeling low in the future, come back to this......remember this feeling, it's magical is it not? Life is not perfect, but some moments of it are close to it.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:34 PM
Is it still considered ppd if it started before conception?

Quoting Anonymous: Sounds like you had some severe depression before the baby was born and ppd after the baby was born.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:36 PM
It is so hard to explain. I've always loved him. But it was like watching from outside. I could see and hear it, I knew it was there, but I couldn't feel it.



Quoting Gwynyth: I'm so sooty it has been hard for you, but I'm so glad you feel that love for your son!!!! Nothing is greater, and that love will grow and grow and grow!!!
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:36 PM
This sounds like a fictional story.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:36 PM
Sounds like a great feeling!!
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:37 PM
1 mom liked this
Okay.

But I can come up with much better...

Quoting Anonymous: This sounds like a fictional story.
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