Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Being a Mom Is No Excuse for Being a Jerk

Posted by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 9:57 AM
  • 45 Replies

Being a Mom Is No Excuse for Being a Jerk

by Linda Sharps

Have you seen the "No-Bullshit, No-Drama Friendship Manifesto" that's been shared all over Facebook? It's from a blog post published on Renegade Mothering, and I've seen it linked over and over from moms who are like, "THIS." Or "YES." Or "THIS. YES."

The no-BS friendship manifesto has some great stuff in it that I fully identify with. Like when she says "When you swear in front of my kids I won’t care. Because obviously." Or "Maybe your house is clean. Maybe it isn’t. Maybe who gives a rat’s ass?"

But the stuff about giving our fellow moms a free pass on being complete and utter flakes? Dude. No. No, no, no, no. Being a parent doesn't mean we should treat our friends like they aren't important to us.

The author suggests that the best friends for a mom to have are the ones who aren't into drama, and who wouldn't agree with that? But then she loses me when she says,

However, I often hear about mothers getting on other mothers’ cases for perfectly reasonable mother-behavior like being a fucking flake. And I’m baffled.

Listen, I can tell that this person and I would mostly get along like gangbusters for the simple fact that she wrote "fucking" instead of "goshdarn." And I'm all for "letting go of the B.S." in our search for real friendship. I don't want friends who judge my parenting choices or one-up my accomplishments or gossip about me behind my back. I also don't want friends who use "kids and domestic life partners and jobs" as an excuse to fail at Politeness 101.

Here are the first items on her list:

1. I will not get on your case for not texting me back in a timely manner.
2. I will not get on your case for not calling me back in a timely manner.
3. This is because I will soon be the one not calling and texting you back in a timely manner.
4. If you tell me you’re going to call me back “in a few minutes” I understand I may not hear from you for 3 days.

Further down the list (which, again, is mostly stuff I don't disagree with at all):

24. I understand that “on time” means “not as late as I usually am.”

Okay, maybe I'm too sensitive, but when people don't take three seconds out of their day to text me back, I don't feel good about things. I'm not saying I expect an immediate reply, but … well, come on. If we've all got time to, say, share articles on Facebook that so accurately capture our belief that as mothers we cannot help being unreliable, we've got time to send a damn text.

More From The Stir: Why Are So Many 'Mom Friends' Mean Girls?

As for being chronically late? Chronically lame. If someone's continually late when meeting me I assume my time isn't important to them. Yeah, getting out the door with kids can be a chore, but … believe me, if I can do it, anyone can do it.

During the last school year, I met a mom from my kindergartener's class, and I really liked her. My son was friends with her son, and I wrestled my normal shyness into submission enough to set up a playdate in a park, and then followed up with an invitation for her son to come play at our house. The enormous amounts of time she would take to write me back made me hesitant, though, and when a couple texts simply went unanswered, I gave up.

So you tell me: was she just being a no-drama flake because she's a mom and I should have understood that and continued pursuing the friendship anyway? Because to MY mind, not responding to someone in fact creates drama, because it makes the other person question things, and if there's one thing I don't want in a friendship it's a giant quivering pile of UNCERTAINTY.

I know, I know. You're thinking this of me right now, aren't you?


Maybe I'm just sensitive and weird and that's why I have so much trouble making friends, because I take a perfectly normal situation like someone being busy and forgetting to text me back and I turn it into a roiling mass of self-criticism in mental linkbait form. 57 Reasons No One Likes Me (SLIDESHOW).

But maybe it's just not that hard to be polite, you know? And maybe it's hard enough to make connections with other adults when we're mired in the isolation of parenthood without okaying behavior that makes it even harder to connect.

What do you think, are most moms flaky and should be forgiven for things like not texting, being late, not RSVPing for kid parties, etc?

Image ©iStock.com/PeopleImages

by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 9:57 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
gypsy_rose
by Kandy on Aug. 12, 2014 at 10:04 AM
4 moms liked this

oversensitive. Sometimes people forget things and get busy. It's life. A good friend of mine is ALWAYS late by atleast an hour. If we have time spicific plans I tell her to be there an hour before she needs to be. She is a VERY VERY busy lady. ALWAYS helping people, volintering, working 2 nursing jobs. She only gets about 5 hours of broken sleep a day. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Aug. 12, 2014 at 10:12 AM

We had plans to meet another mom and her daughter at 10 for breakfast.  We arrived 3 minutes to 10 and she wasn't there despite living only 5 minutes from the restaurant. I called to check on her and WOKE HER UP! The night before she told me that she'd set her alarm and wouldn't be late...again.  It took her an hour to get ready so it was nearly noon by the time we were able to eat.  We never made plans with her again.

froggyfreak330
by Bronze Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 10:36 AM
1 mom liked this

 I get what you are saying. Theres sometimes forgetting and being too busy and then theres just not even trying and treating the other person like they dont matter. I may forget to call back or text sometimes, but thats just it, SOMETIMES, not constantly. Being a mom doesnt give you an excuse to not even try.

froggyfreak330
by Bronze Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 10:43 AM
1 mom liked this

 Shes not talking about moms who sometimes forget or get too busy, shes talking about moms who constantly flake and dont even try to keep plans they make with people.

Quoting gypsy_rose:

oversensitive. Sometimes people forget things and get busy. It's life. A good friend of mine is ALWAYS late by atleast an hour. If we have time spicific plans I tell her to be there an hour before she needs to be. She is a VERY VERY busy lady. ALWAYS helping people, volintering, working 2 nursing jobs. She only gets about 5 hours of broken sleep a day. 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Aug. 12, 2014 at 10:50 AM

eh i have my share of flaky moments, but i try my best to not to let my busy hectic schedule make me a complete loser. I am terrible at friendship stuff. i have a friend who we are constantly trying to get together but both our families are just SO busy. so we chat every now and then on facebook but i feel like kind of a jerk (it's both of us though, her kids are very busy in sports, my husband and i work a lot of weekends when her family is free, so it just doesn't work out often).

but being late? no way. I always work my butt off to get places on time. if i don't RSVP, i'm not going. Texting is just easy and if i don't get back right away it's cause i'm checking into something i need to let you know about .

gypsy_rose
by Kandy on Aug. 12, 2014 at 10:52 AM

yes and some people are just like that or over book their schedual. That does NOT mean they don't care about someone. Like I said in my post I know someone like that and she care about everyone but WAY overbooks herself. 

Quoting froggyfreak330:

 Shes not talking about moms who sometimes forget or get too busy, shes talking about moms who constantly flake and dont even try to keep plans they make with people.

Quoting gypsy_rose:

oversensitive. Sometimes people forget things and get busy. It's life. A good friend of mine is ALWAYS late by atleast an hour. If we have time spicific plans I tell her to be there an hour before she needs to be. She is a VERY VERY busy lady. ALWAYS helping people, volintering, working 2 nursing jobs. She only gets about 5 hours of broken sleep a day. 

 


gmsm0119
by Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 10:54 AM

I agree with the OP; manners are very important to me. If people can make time to BS around on CM, watch TV, etc. they can certainly respect your time. 

froggyfreak330
by Bronze Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 11:21 AM

 Your friend obviously tries, she just tends to cancel more often than others. I cant blame someone for being upset when someone constantly flakes on them. When you make plans with someone a lot, you are normally expected to take part in those plans more often than not(remember, its not all about you, you have to take the other person into consideration). Occasional cancelations are understandable, things some up, but it takes two in a freindship. I would not want to be friends with someone who constantly cancels on me, whether they are a good person or not, whether they realize how they make their friends feel. It would make me feel like Im not important to them, whether thats true or not is another story. 

Quoting gypsy_rose:

yes and some people are just like that or over book their schedual. That does NOT mean they don't care about someone. Like I said in my post I know someone like that and she care about everyone but WAY overbooks herself. 

Quoting froggyfreak330:

 Shes not talking about moms who sometimes forget or get too busy, shes talking about moms who constantly flake and dont even try to keep plans they make with people.

Quoting gypsy_rose:

oversensitive. Sometimes people forget things and get busy. It's life. A good friend of mine is ALWAYS late by atleast an hour. If we have time spicific plans I tell her to be there an hour before she needs to be. She is a VERY VERY busy lady. ALWAYS helping people, volintering, working 2 nursing jobs. She only gets about 5 hours of broken sleep a day. 

 

 

 

JRSMOM0621
by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 11:32 AM

My mom gets pissed that I don't give her an exact time that I will show up for Sunday dinner or that I leave after 5 hours of being at her house. I try to tell someone that I will meet with them 11:00/11:30 (example) and let them know I will be bringing my 2 kids. Most are forgiving some aren't. If I don't answer my phone they always call my house and I try to answer as fast as I can.  However you always need to RSVP for other peoples parties otherwise they think you'll never show up and wont have whatever for you (food, gift bag, etc)

Proud mommy of 2 boys and a beautiful angel

Pink.Frosting
by Ruby Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 11:36 AM

I'm totally on board with not being bothering by not texting or calling back in a timely manner.  People who are sensitive about that...let's just say we wouldn't make good friends in the first place.  But if you curse in front of my kids or even curse all the time in front of me...let's just say we wouldn't make good friends in the first place.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN