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Depression- my battle

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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2 moms liked this
But, the sun is shining...

How many times have I been told, suck it up… it’s not that bad… count your blessings… or yes, even “The sun is shining, why aren’t you happy”. Depression, the word in itself is more of a scarlet letter than a murderer sitting on his lawn. I have battled depression for as long as I can remember. I have taken meds, that made a zombie, meds that made me truly crazy, meds that made me really want to die, meds that did nothing at all. I have spent years in therapy, years of talking about my feelings, or my blessings, or what a beautiful damn day it is, when to me it wasn’t. 

Last night we all heard that Robin Williams committed suicide. Some people are calling him a coward, or selfish, or tortured, or so  many other things. I have suffered depression my entire life. I still cannot grasp what suicide is. I don’t think it’s cowardly, because if being a coward is how one takes his or her own life, I’m sure there would be a great many more suicides in the world. I don’t understand how someone who has the love of his children could do this. I don’t understand that dark place he must have been in where he no longer could stand to take another breath. I don’t guess I’ve ever been there. 

What I do understand is depression. I do understand the feeling that the world would be better off without me. I do understand feeling like a failure and feeling all alone in a room full of people. Depression does that. I can sit in a room full of family and feel like no one cares that I am there. I can sit at a table with friends and feel insignificant. Sometimes its worse than that. when I feel like I never have anything positive to say so I struggle to say something good and then everyone looks at me like I am crazy when I finally do. 

Let me tell what the bright sunny day looks like to me. I look out and I see flowers dying, the grass withering, trees drooping, animals stretched out trying to cool off. I see the end of life, not the bright sunny day. I don’t see happiness, but misery. I don’t see life, but death. Depression makes it hard to enjoy any day, even a bright sunny day.

Sometimes, when it’s late at night, I think about my future. I think about outliving all of my family and being utterly alone in the world. And then I pray, I pray please God, don’t let that happen. When I told that to my counselor, she told me we all are afraid of being alone. I couldn’t make her understand. It’s not about being alone… it’s far worse than that. It’s about burying everyone I love. It’s about thinking about them in the graves rotting away. It’s about thinking that they have a terminal illness and I’m too stupid to catch it. It’s over thinking everything. It’s being a hypochondriac and a pessimist all in one thought. It’s not about being alone at all. It’s about what I do to allow them to die before me. It took me years to come to that realization.

It’s dark in depression. Insomnia takes over, thoughts of family members just not giving a damn consume every thought. Believing that he or she is utterly worthless, or bad luck, because everything is his or her fault, even when others assure them that it isn’t. It’s staring in the mirror not seeing your true reflection but instead seeing everything you have ever done wrong right in front of you, taunting you to admit to everyone how worthless and inconsequential you are. 

If I had a nickle for every time I was told to think of those around me, I’d be very rich. Depression is so deep, so dark, that it is impossible to think about anyone else, because your brain is too busy screaming at you for all your failures. I have to work very hard every single day to remind myself that I am not the center of the universe and that my mistakes are not as important as my brain wants to think they are. It’s hard.

I don’t think Robin Williams could even see through that dark cloud that consumed him. Somewhere, it got so heavy that the side of him that loved his wife and his children was smothered. I hope he’s found peace and that his suffering is over. It’s not my belief system, but I do hope and will pray for his eternal soul. 

The next time you meet someone with depression, instead of telling them to suck it up, take a minute to attempt to explain how wonderful they really are. Hell, take a minute each day to let your family know that they matter. And when someone does commit suicide, try -even if you can’t get there- try to remember, that place that is so dark and so very lonely, took over and that it wasn’t your fault if you didn’t see any signs. I don’t know if I can say it’s selfish. I do know, my dad threatening to pee on my grave if I committed suicide when I was thirteen, has absolutely terrified me enough that I could never ever have the courage to take my own life. Suicide is not cowardly, it may be selfish, but it is absolutely not cowardly. It takes a ton of courage to face the unknown, and absolutely know there is no going back. It’s a bridge you can’t rebuild. 

Posted by Anonymous on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:29 AM
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Mom-to-2kids
by Sapphire Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:36 AM
*hugs* my DS is bipolar, I see first hand the face of depression. And it's heartbreaking that I can't fix my child. I can only walk beside him through his journey. Try and comfort him when he feels like his world is crashing, and show him all the love and support I can. I'm not sad for Robin Williams, I'm happy he found peace. I don't think that suicide is being a coward, or weak. I can't imagine being in that dark of a place, where the inner demons consume you.
thejodigirl
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:36 AM
1 mom liked this

The way you write and express yourself is beautiful. I'm not fortunate in that dept, but I know what you are saying. I have felt many of the things you said, and I'm sorry you are suffering. My life is getting better, my mental health is getting better. I'm in my thirties fyi, and I hope a break comes for you and some sun shines through sooner than later. 

Hugs.

Bertha21
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:43 AM
I know how it feels. I've been dealing with this since I was 8. It's a constant struggle.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:59 AM

I'm 43. Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad things are better for you. 

Quoting thejodigirl:

The way you write and express yourself is beautiful. I'm not fortunate in that dept, but I know what you are saying. I have felt many of the things you said, and I'm sorry you are suffering. My life is getting better, my mental health is getting better. I'm in my thirties fyi, and I hope a break comes for you and some sun shines through sooner than later. 

Hugs.


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