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The holidays are hard

Posted by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:22 PM
  • 43 Replies
I need advice on making our own holiday traditions. We used to go look at Christmas lights, and sleep under the Christmas tree when I was a kid, but those things are hard for me now that my mom and I are estranged. This will be my second holiday season without my family. I can't bring myself to look forward to the holidays with my grandparents because we probably won't be invited again to "keep the peace".

Most of the year I get by just fine, but Christmas is always hard for me.

I've started therapy for my PTSD and that's been helping, but we're still in court limbo with DD and I don't know how the holidays are going to work out. I hate that such a happy time is such a solid reminder to me of everything I've lost. I want to turn it around but I don't know how.
by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:22 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lollip0p
by Ruby Member on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:25 PM

I know this isn;t what you're asking but is there any hope of repairing the relationship with your mum?

If not, talcom powder 'santa' footprints are cool. Watching one specific Christmas movie every year is an awesome tradition?

smalltownteddy
by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:31 PM
I doubt it. The ball's been sitting idle in her court for two years. My therapist helped me set healthy boundaries with her and she balked. She'd rather talk smack around my husband and try to force me into a relationship with my abuser than have a relationship with me.

Footprints are a great idea!! DD would absolutely love that. And I really should find a good Christmas movie the kids would love. I bet "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" would be a hit!!

It's just really hard to figure out how to be a good healthy mom with nothing to go off of, and no one to talk to about it. My mom of choice, my step mom, is amazing but she had a really great relationship with her mom who recently passed. There's so much difference there, our conversations stall out because she doesn't know where to start.

Quoting lollip0p:

I know this isn;t what you're asking but is there any hope of repairing the relationship with your mum?

If not, talcom powder 'santa' footprints are cool. Watching one specific Christmas movie every year is an awesome tradition?

lollip0p
by Ruby Member on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:37 PM

Ok, fair enough. I lost my own mum so I'm always a fan of patching things up while you can but I do realize it's not always feasible.

What else? What else? Hmmm... Christmas Crackers are awesome. They come with brightly coloured paper hats that my family wore for every Christmas dinner. That was kinna cool. (You can get them at some grocery stores or on Amazon).

Do you do the 'open one present on Christmas Eve' thing? We got all bathed and dressed in jammies, then we got to open one present on Christmas Eve.



Quoting smalltownteddy: I doubt it. The ball's been sitting idle in her court for two years. My therapist helped me set healthy boundaries with her and she balked. She'd rather talk smack around my husband and try to force me into a relationship with my abuser than have a relationship with me. Footprints are a great idea!! DD would absolutely love that. And I really should find a good Christmas movie the kids would love. I bet "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" would be a hit!! It's just really hard to figure out how to be a good healthy mom with nothing to go off of, and no one to talk to about it. My mom of choice, my step mom, is amazing but she had a really great relationship with her mom who recently passed. There's so much difference there, our conversations stall out because she doesn't know where to start.
Quoting lollip0p:

I know this isn;t what you're asking but is there any hope of repairing the relationship with your mum?

If not, talcom powder 'santa' footprints are cool. Watching one specific Christmas movie every year is an awesome tradition?


Dardenella
by Ruby Member on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:39 PM

You can go and look at the lights.  You can put up your own tree and sleep under it (I personally like beds)

You can make new traditionsof food or types of things you do.  We have chili on Christmas eve in bread bowls.  We open one single gift and it is usually a clothing item and we get ready for midnight mass.

Then we go to med.  I the morning my grown kids return and there are breakfasty things laid out and we nibble and open presents.  The stockings can be opened first or last.  There are two pieces of fruit one is traditioanally donated to the christmas fruit salad for dinner that we all make together.  The pealings and cores are kept during preparation  and when we have them all we march over to a semi circle of bushes and the children scatter the bits for the animals to come and enjoy.  While we are making food there are christmas carols and at somepoint one of about 6 movies will be put on.

But now that the children have fanilies of their own they can not sprend the entire day here and we have adjusted so that they go to the other parents home as well.

Perhaps you can arrange to come over and see your grandparents when you know your mother will not be there.

You will find your way.

 

smalltownteddy
by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:41 PM
We do open one on Christmas Eve! I need to get the kiddos special Christmas jammies.

And I totally understand the desire to patch things up. I spent a long time trying to make things right, but she drags our kids into her drama and I grew up in the shadow of her one-man-shows. I'd love a healthy relationship with her, but I won't settle for a bad one just to have anything. :(

I just remembered that my dad used to make springerle with us for Christmas, it's a German Christmas cookie that takes weeks to make properly. I think that will be a fun "prepping" activity.

Quoting lollip0p:

Ok, fair enough. I lost my own mum so I'm always a fan of patching things up while you can but I do realize it's not always feasible.

What else? What else? Hmmm... Christmas Crackers are awesome. They come with brightly coloured paper hats that my family wore for every Christmas dinner. That was kinna cool. (You can get them at some grocery stores or on Amazon).

Do you do the 'open one present on Christmas Eve' thing? We got all bathed and dressed in jammies, then we got to open one present on Christmas Eve.

Quoting smalltownteddy: I doubt it. The ball's been sitting idle in her court for two years. My therapist helped me set healthy boundaries with her and she balked. She'd rather talk smack around my husband and try to force me into a relationship with my abuser than have a relationship with me.

Footprints are a great idea!! DD would absolutely love that. And I really should find a good Christmas movie the kids would love. I bet "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" would be a hit!!

It's just really hard to figure out how to be a good healthy mom with nothing to go off of, and no one to talk to about it. My mom of choice, my step mom, is amazing but she had a really great relationship with her mom who recently passed. There's so much difference there, our conversations stall out because she doesn't know where to start.

Quoting lollip0p:

I know this isn;t what you're asking but is there any hope of repairing the relationship with your mum?

If not, talcom powder 'santa' footprints are cool. Watching one specific Christmas movie every year is an awesome tradition?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:43 PM
Are you saying you have ptsd from not talking to your mom?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:43 PM

its no where near being any holiday yet

smalltownteddy
by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:45 PM
Thank you, those are great traditions. I think I'll call my dad and ask after the springerle rolling pin. I have the iron mold, but the pin will be easier for DD to use.

I think I'll look into a church here that holds service for the homeless. I've been on the street before and I would love to make compassion and giving part of our family tradition.

Quoting Dardenella:

You can go and look at the lights.  You can put up your own tree and sleep under it (I personally like beds)


You can make new traditionsof food or types of things you do.  We have chili on Christmas eve in bread bowls.  We open one single gift and it is usually a clothing item and we get ready for midnight mass.


Then we go to med.  I the morning my grown kids return and there are breakfasty things laid out and we nibble and open presents.  The stockings can be opened first or last.  There are two pieces of fruit one is traditioanally donated to the christmas fruit salad for dinner that we all make together.  The pealings and cores are kept during preparation  and when we have them all we march over to a semi circle of bushes and the children scatter the bits for the animals to come and enjoy.  While we are making food there are christmas carols and at somepoint one of about 6 movies will be put on.


But now that the children have fanilies of their own they can not sprend the entire day here and we have adjusted so that they go to the other parents home as well.


Perhaps you can arrange to come over and see your grandparents when you know your mother will not be there.


You will find your way.


 

smalltownteddy
by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:47 PM
No, that would be ridiculous. She is involved in the circumstances though.

Quoting Anonymous 1: Are you saying you have ptsd from not talking to your mom?
smalltownteddy
by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:47 PM
It's November. Pretty close to the holidays actually.

Quoting Anonymous 2:

its no where near being any holiday yet

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