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i ended up miscarrying

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 52 Replies
I'm so hurt and don't know what I should feel. I'm angry, pissed, sad, hurt, depressed and just over stressed.

I am upset with myself and with the hospital I went to.

I knew it wasn't normal to bleed so heavily so I went thinking I'm bleeding while pregnant with severe back and stomacher pain so I would get seen pretty soon.

I waited in the waiting room for almost three hours while I saw people who came in after me get back in a room before me. People who had a sprained wrist or hurt ankle. While I am in such bad pain and can't sit still.

I asked how long til I can get seen and was told a few more hours when I had been there for over two hours already. The only reason I got seen was because I called my ob crying about the pain and bleeding and they called the hospital (my fiance had called about the same time my ob called and started going off on them).

When they finally bring me into a room to take blood the nurse says that the nurse who signed me in said that I had almost no bleeding. I told him I had heavy bleeding and was in severe pain so I have no idea what the hell he is talking about.

After so long to get in a room where I get a couple nurses coming and going just asking if I need water. I'm left again for an hour and a half til I get my ultrasound where the whole time I'm worried about how my baby is or even if its alive.

About half an hour after I get back to my room I'm told I'm miscarrying and when they did the ultrasound that my baby didn't have a heartbeat.



To find out something so horrible and life changing and for the way the hospital did it and how a lot of the nurses treated and how they said some stuff thought the visit.
They kept commenting how much blood was in my urnine repeatedly. Yeah I know its red and doesn't look like pee in the least. I know I'm in pain and I'm not trying to break down hysterically because I fear that my baby is dying or dead. Sorry that I'm not wailing in the waiting room and that I'm trying to keep myself together so that I'm not hurting myself or my baby more so than needed.

I still can't get over the fact that after having two baby's who were full term that I miscarried for the first time. And to make it worse is that the people who were around me when it was happening just made it so much worse with how they talked about my pee, or how I can't be in pain since I'm not showing it so I'm lying about how bad my back or stomach pain is, or how much blood is in my urine or on my bed.

I feel like I lost a big piece of myself two days ago.

And still today I have to go to my ob for a check up and I don't feel ready.
I want to just start crying in the middle of the day and not get up but I have to. I feel that I betrayed my little baby. But I feel lucky that I was able to even carry the two girls I have now. That I didn't miscarry them. That I am able to love, and cuddle my girls. I feel hurt that I lost my baby but yet without losing my baby I wouldn't understand how much I really love my two girls that I have now. How much I loved and love the baby I miscarried.

And without this tragedy I wouldn't understand how much other women go through when they try and conceive and when they finally do how heartbreaking it is to see your precious baby not make. I haven't felt such a loss before until now.


Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 4, 2014 at 2:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lanes_mom0109
by Silver Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 2:45 PM
I'm so sorry momma. I e lost 2, one at 12 weeks and 2 months ago I lost ds at 34 weeks. It hurts more than anything else in this world. All that helped me was hugging the babies I did have tighter. I honestly don't know if I ever want more because I don't think I can survive that pain again.

I'll be thinking about your sweet baby today just I do my little lucas. I'm so sorry again, I really wish there was something to say to make you feel better, but I know there's not. Hugs.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 4, 2014 at 2:49 PM

It doesn't come easy.  I realized that getting pregnant is one thing - successfully carrying a baby to term is another.  I remember after miscarrying for the 3rd time straight having to go into Babies R us and buy a baby shower gift for my Supervisor, whom I loved and respected.  Still - walking through those aisles of baby stuff, I heard someone kind of wimpering, silently crying and it took me a moment to realize it was coming from me.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 4, 2014 at 2:50 PM
I never felt the loss before. Its new to me and I just don't how to show it. I act like nothing bothers me during the day (I have dealt with PTSD and depression) and I don't want anyone to think I'm going to kill myself. But at night I just cry.

On Tuesday I lost my lo and didn't even find out til about 6 so I didn't have any time to think about it before I had to put my kids to bed. And then yesterday I was busy. So I just don't get the time to grieve except she. My kids are asleep. My oldest daughter was so happy about her baby and I don't even know what to do about it. She's kissing my stomache and saying I love you baby but she doesn't understand. I feel just overwhelmed

Quoting lanes_mom0109: I'm so sorry momma. I e lost 2, one at 12 weeks and 2 months ago I lost ds at 34 weeks. It hurts more than anything else in this world. All that helped me was hugging the babies I did have tighter. I honestly don't know if I ever want more because I don't think I can survive that pain again.

I'll be thinking about your sweet baby today just I do my little lucas. I'm so sorry again, I really wish there was something to say to make you feel better, but I know there's not. Hugs.
.PinkSunshine.
by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 2:51 PM
((Hugs)) I'm so sorry for your loss :/
twinmommy27
by Ruby Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 2:54 PM
I am so sorry!!
Do you have someone who can come over?
Where's your SO?
lanes_mom0109
by Silver Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 2:56 PM
Ds reaction was the hardest for me. He was so excited to have a baby brother, he was planning all the things they would do together. I had lucas via csectiob and lane, my oldest, laid in the bed with us all day. He was so heartbroken we'd lost him. I swesr, I feel like a failure at times. My body is made to have babies, and it failed twice. With my kids it's hard to grieve and take care of them. After they go to bed I get in the shower and just cry my heart out.

You will get through this, even if it doesn't seem like it. Losing ds made me realize how strong I really was, and you'll get there too. Just one day at a time. My heart breaks for you and your family.

Quoting Anonymous 1: I never felt the loss before. Its new to me and I just don't how to show it. I act like nothing bothers me during the day (I have dealt with PTSD and depression) and I don't want anyone to think I'm going to kill myself. But at night I just cry.

On Tuesday I lost my lo and didn't even find out til about 6 so I didn't have any time to think about it before I had to put my kids to bed. And then yesterday I was busy. So I just don't get the time to grieve except she. My kids are asleep. My oldest daughter was so happy about her baby and I don't even know what to do about it. She's kissing my stomache and saying I love you baby but she doesn't understand. I feel just overwhelmed

Quoting lanes_mom0109: I'm so sorry momma. I e lost 2, one at 12 weeks and 2 months ago I lost ds at 34 weeks. It hurts more than anything else in this world. All that helped me was hugging the babies I did have tighter. I honestly don't know if I ever want more because I don't think I can survive that pain again.

I'll be thinking about your sweet baby today just I do my little lucas. I'm so sorry again, I really wish there was something to say to make you feel better, but I know there's not. Hugs.
SunshneDaydream
by Ruby Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 2:56 PM
I'm so sorry Mama. Hospitals are assholes. I went in for a miscarriage once and was also aghast at how nonchalant everyone was towards me. I even had one asshole say to me "Well you believe in God right? Everything happens for a reason." With a smile. I wanted to throat-punch him. My sister had a similar experience to yours when she got in a car accident at 19 weeks. Nobody seemed to care about the baby (or her fears) just because SHE wasn't hurt. Hugs for your loss. It does get easier.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Dec. 4, 2014 at 2:57 PM
I am so sorry. I had 2 miscarriages, and then it was 5 years after the last one before I was able to have my one and only child. Like you, it makes me even more thankful to have the one I have. Hug them a little harder today. It helps me whenever I think of the others.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 4, 2014 at 2:57 PM
My fiances sister is also expecting. Our babies were going to be close in age. About a month a part. And I know it will hurt seeing her grow.

And now I know how she felt and how my finance cousin felt when I was pregnant with my second baby. We were all pregnant at the same time. All our babies were going to be born in the same month. They both lost their babies and I ended up having my little girl.

I never thought I would have to worry about a miscarriage because I never had one and had healthy babies.

But now I know the struggle they went through and how hard it was seeing me at family functions.

I had to go by the baby section yesterday to get diapers and it hit me that I am trying to cut all my feelings off I have about this baby. I don't know why. Maybe its self preservation. Maybe because if I feel like I'm going to break down I won't ever get up. I don't know what is wrong with me that when my grandma is crying because I lost my baby that I say its okay and I'm not shedding a tear. I feel almost like I'm letting my baby down for not showing pain in front of others. I can cry when I'm by myself but others I put a wall up and act like I'm not hurt.

Quoting Anonymous 2:

It doesn't come easy.  I realized that getting pregnant is one thing - successfully carrying a baby to term is another.  I remember after miscarrying for the 3rd time straight having to go into Babies R us and buy a baby shower gift for my Supervisor, whom I loved and respected.  Still - walking through those aisles of baby stuff, I heard someone kind of wimpering, silently crying and it took me a moment to realize it was coming from me.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 4, 2014 at 3:01 PM
A nurse who had two miscarriages told me that the babies you lose are the one you get to raise in heaven. Said it helped her.
It didn't help me. I'd rather raise them right now.

The doctor said that the baby more likely would have had a lot of problems and that right now I wouldn't care how disabled my child is but that later on I would. I mean really.

I lose my baby and because maybe my child might be severely disabled I should be okay with my baby dying.

I wish I could go back and let loose my tongue and rage on a lot of them

Quoting SunshneDaydream: I'm so sorry Mama. Hospitals are assholes. I went in for a miscarriage once and was also aghast at how nonchalant everyone was towards me. I even had one asshole say to me "Well you believe in God right? Everything happens for a reason." With a smile. I wanted to throat-punch him. My sister had a similar experience to yours when she got in a car accident at 19 weeks. Nobody seemed to care about the baby (or her fears) just because SHE wasn't hurt. Hugs for your loss. It does get easier.
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