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Elderly parents making me crazy

Posted by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 7:51 PM
  • 7 Replies

What does one do with elderly parents who lay guilt trips?  I called my parents tonight to say hello & I asked my dad how he is doing.  He won't say how he is doing but he hints that he is miserable and unhappy, and unhappy with me.  Then he says, "Your mother says you never call."  I actually call once a week, send e-mails a couple times a week and the kids & I regularly visit, probably two weekends a month and sometimes we spend the night, too.  We also spent the night Thursday & Friday over Thanksgiving last week so it hasn't been very long since we saw or spoke to them.


Prior to Thanksgiving I asked them multiple times if they need help cleaning, shopping or setting up (they refused) & I did a lot of cooking & baking for the occasion.  i also helped clean up.  So, they are hardly abandoned and I am also a single mom raising two kids, which keeps me very busy.


Any advice on what to do/how to handle?  At this point they really don't want strangers (cleaning people, assistance) in their home, they mostly just seem to want me and then more of me.  I'm an only child, so I don't have siblings who can step in.

by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 7:51 PM
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Replies (1-7):
rebeccab1966
by Gold Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 7:55 PM

They're probably just lonely and bored.  I know it hurts, but sometimes you just need to let it roll off your shoulders.  You sound like you do everything possible to help them and stay in contact.

spooky415
by Emerald Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 7:58 PM
I feel for you.

I'm my grandparents main caregiver, it's frustrating bc they're so needy.

My grandmother is mad bc I can't do it all on my own. I had to have a nurse help with my grandfather bc he has recurring C. Diff, and I changed over 30 diapers one day. It's killing him, and she can't keep up either.

She was like "Can't you just stay until it gets better?" But it's not going to get better, the transplants aren't working and no, I can't spend the night bc I have a family and my son shouldn't be in a house with that bacteria so he can't stay with me.

I want to help them bc they've given me so much and were great parents to my mom and aunts and uncles for the most part but they want more than I have to give at this point,
katarina666
by Gold Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 8:01 PM

Let them know how it really is to have their children want nothing to do with them. If your being acused you might as well give them something to really complain about. These people are toxic. get them out of your life! When they get to the point where they can't take care of themselves go to court and put them in a home. I work with elderly people and they are very abusive.

Not_A_Native
by Ruby Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 8:05 PM

Sometimes you just have to be firm. Think of them as, well, preschoolers who can argue better.

I'm leaving tonight for a red eye flight to NYC, to help out my husbands elderly aunt (closest he has to a mom, he lost his mom many years ago).  She never married, no kids, and is 86 years old and lives alone.  Two days ago, she fell in her apartment and broke her arm.  Spent a day in the hospital.  She doesn't want someone coming in - but she HAS to.  Which is what I told her (I also have power of attorney, as well as medical power of attorney).

If you care for an elderly relative in your home, make sure you have someone who can fill in for you from time to time.  It's hard.  I did it with my grandmother, but when her Alzhemers got too bad, she needed to go to a nursing home (I also had a newborn).

And best of luck to you.

balagan_imma
by Platinum Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 8:08 PM

I'm very sorry. C-diff is so awful. My MIL is battling it. She's been hospitalized 5 times since July because she wouldn't accept our help. And would brush us off frequently. DH went over to her place one day because she wasn't answering his or SIL's calls. She was unconscious in one of her bedrooms. She went from mostly independent to assisted living in 6 weeks. And she really should be in skilled nursing.

It's like welcome to the freaking sandwich generation.

Quoting spooky415: I feel for you. I'm my grandparents main caregiver, it's frustrating bc they're so needy. My grandmother is mad bc I can't do it all on my own. I had to have a nurse help with my grandfather bc he has recurring C. Diff, and I changed over 30 diapers one day. It's killing him, and she can't keep up either. She was like "Can't you just stay until it gets better?" But it's not going to get better, the transplants aren't working and no, I can't spend the night bc I have a family and my son shouldn't be in a house with that bacteria so he can't stay with me. I want to help them bc they've given me so much and were great parents to my mom and aunts and uncles for the most part but they want more than I have to give at this point,


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Dec. 4, 2014 at 8:11 PM

sticking out tongue      going crazy    eye rolling    throwing up

Quoting katarina666:

Let them know how it really is to have their children want nothing to do with them. If your being acused you might as well give them something to really complain about. These people are toxic. get them out of your life! When they get to the point where they can't take care of themselves go to court and put them in a home. I work with elderly people and they are very abusive.

devil     sarcasm    can of worms    slap

reaandiziesmama
by Ruby Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 8:17 PM
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Please find a different line of work.

Quoting katarina666:

Let them know how it really is to have their children want nothing to do with them. If your being acused you might as well give them something to really complain about. These people are toxic. get them out of your life! When they get to the point where they can't take care of themselves go to court and put them in a home. I work with elderly people and they are very abusive.



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