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gentle parenting. need help

Posted by Anonymous
  • 5 Replies

If youre just going to say ""beat his ass" (or the similar) i dont want to hear it. Ill just get that out of the way now.

we were very pro "spanking" if needed for the longest time. it worked for us with my oldest (not that we had to spank often. very rarey actually). but my 4 year old and 2 year old are entirely different stories. it doesnt work on my 4 year old and we really dont spank the 2 year old other than a swat on the hand if she does something really ba. i feel shes just too young, but we discipline in other ways and nothing is working. the 4 and 2 year old are VERY difficult child. both are very emotional children. the 4 year old does not handle change well. if you throw off his routine, youre going to be in hell until you get him back on track. the 2 year old is showing signs of being the same way, its getting worse as time goes by.

anyways lately the 4 year old has had issues with biting, punching his sisters, throwing things, yelling in your face, tonight he punches the TV and shattered a candle. his routine has been off for reasons out of our control and he isnt coping well at all. but thats no excuse and he needs punished but im at a loss of what to do. 

im tired of tired of tension in the house. the anger. there has to be an easier way. 

im willing to admit i need to step up and maybe get more active with the kids and keep them busy. i mean i do that now but maybe they just need more? we only have issues when they are playing in their room or something without me. but i cant be up their asses 24/7 so id appreciate any suggestions for how to handle the younger two kids when they act up like my 4 year old did tonight. 

Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 12, 2014 at 11:56 PM
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by Ruby Member on Dec. 13, 2014 at 12:00 AM

Time outs? Reward system for good behaviour?

by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 13, 2014 at 12:08 AM
2 moms liked this
Some kids respond to and need spankings. Other children aren't phased by them, so why even do it in that case? Sounds like that is the case with your son(my son as well).

One thing that helped my son when he would get frustrated and act out was to have him go to his room by himself. It gave him the time to a) be alone to calm down , b) removed him from the frustration, c) kept me from getting frustrated. If he stayed where I could see him for time out, he would constantly try to get our attention and didn't gave that down time to deescalate and reflect.

Sometimes he would keep trying to explain why he did what he did (like if he could just explain it to me I would understand and he wouldn't be in trouble). I allow him to explain his position, acknowledge that I heard him, and tell him he still has to go to his room for time out. This approach has helped the tantrums immensely! He feels heard, but still has a consequence for his actions.

Consistency is also key. You have to follow through with a consequence EVERY time this behavior happens. Otherwise he will have no reason to stop.

Positive reinforcement is also extremely important to stop this type if behavior. He will need to have tons of positive recognition for what he is doing right. If there is more negative reinforcement than positive, you will be fighting a losing battle. Just make sure to take the time to praise and give positive reinforcement.

Good luck!
by Gold Member on Dec. 13, 2014 at 12:25 AM
I only have one and she's 2. So I don't know how well or methods work on a variety of personalities or ages.

What works very well for us is constantly talking, explaining, and repeating ourselves. When there is a change in routine (this has been often lately with the holidays and me starting a new job) we warn her and explain what will be different about her day. If changes are planned for early the next morning we tell her about it the night before. As things are happening we tell her what is going on and why. We repeat ourselves endlessly, which can be very tiresome and annoying but seems to help her grasp what we are saying and stay calm. If she seems confused we find different words to say the same thing.

We calmly explain why she can't act out destructively, and we give her choices. For example; "you can scream and tantrum in your room or you can stop crying and stay in the living room with us. It's your choice" and if she doesn't stop her tantrum to answer we accept that as an answer and move her to her room and calmly tell her she can join us when she is ready to stop screaming. This hasn't been an issue so far but if she starts throwing and breaking things wet might tell her or "if you want to break something than you can pick a toy to break, but we won't replace it. You can't break mom and dad's things. Break your toys or break nothing, your choice". To be clear, we won't condone her breaking her things, but we do want her to understand that owning things means she can do what she wants with them, and if she chooses to break her toys them she will have to live with broken toys.

Very importantly, we stay calm and never yell. If I feel myself getting close to snapping I tell her that I'm too grumpy to talk to her right now and I need to go into a different room. I put myself on time out. Sometimes just seeing me storm out of the room is enough to change her behavior.

Another tool that has been effective is counting. We tell her that she has to the count of 5 to comply with our instructions under her own power and if we get to 5 before she starts doing it (going to the bathroom for bath time, picking up her toys, stuff like that) we carry her or we pick up and she loses that toy for a while. I don't know how long we have before we have to think of other consequences for non-compliance, I know that right now she wants to do everything herself and having us carry her or do it for her infuriates her.
by Gold Member on Dec. 13, 2014 at 12:29 AM
Sorry about the typos above.

I'd say the number one most important thing we do is stay calm and never tell. When she gets loud, we get quieter. We explain things incessantly and quietly.

Good luck, I hope you find something that works for your family and that my tips help at least a little.
by Ruby Member on Dec. 13, 2014 at 12:46 AM

The bottom line is that you have to make very clear to kids that you are in charge and that that needs to be respected. This clearly isn't the case if your kids are acting in these ways. They know they are in charge, not you. Yelling isn't effective. There needs to be consequences for this behavior, and only you know what currency is present with your kids. What is important to them?

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