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I failed...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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My international adoption failed a year and a half ago and we disrupted our adoption. Our adopted daughter and son (htey were siblings) were adopted again by a different couple. I posted my story online and got nothing but hate mail. Would would you do differently to have a different outcome? Are you familiar with older adopted children who have been institutionalized? When we adopted them we had two bio children 4 and 2 and home and then I got pregnat with a third one... I am completely hearbroken and can't move on.... My husband and I were a happy family with 2 beautiful boys when I found myself pregnant with the third baby. I lost my baby to a miscarriage and I felt that I had to give love to somebody else’s child and adopt.Our hearts were drawn to Congo, a poor, war-torn country where genocide killed millions of people. There are 5 million orphans in DRC, and 50% of children do not live to their 5th Birthday. The agency asked us to adopt two children because the need is so great there. For us it has been a rough 1.5 year journey where we had to fill out mounds of paperwork and raise a large sum of money. Then came the hardest part-waiting!We adopted a 2 year old girl who was found at night alone on a market square and a 1 year boy who was abandoned at birth in the hospital by his teenage mother.One beautiful spring day we received a call from our agency to get our children from the airport. The girl was very petite in a beautiful African dress calling her escort “Mama.” The little boy looked sad and tired.My daughter had an intestinal parasite that caused a severe malnourishment. It took us the longest time to figure out how to treat it. She also had an umbilical hernia that had to be urgently surgically repaired.We bonded at home and family grew from 4 to 6 members. There was a lot more cooking, cleaning and laundry.My unexpected pregnancy eight months after our adoption complicated everything. It was overwhelming with 5 kids, 4 of whom are under 4 y.o. but I was trying to do my best while also working part-time.When my baby was about 4 months old my 89 year old father unexpectedly arrived from Russia.Unfortunately my Dad’s health deteriorated rapidly and he lost his ability to walk and became incontinent, and needed nursing care which quickly depleted our accounts. I was coming to see him every day.Meanwhile there was constant conflict between my 4 year old adopted daughter and my eldest biological 7 year old son. She antagonized and taunted him and he got very depressed and had suicidal thoughts. I took both children to a therapist, however it did not resolve their conflict.Also my adopted daughter M. did not trust me and wanted to be in control. Instead of asking me for something she would sneak to get it.She constantly challenged me. M. smeared feces on the floor, destroyed her toys and clothes.Sometimes in public she approached strangers and asked to sit on their lap. She hurt our new baby behind my back. one time I saw her trying to suffocate my baby.Her therapist diagnosed her with disinhibited form of a Reactive Attachment Disorder.Our adopted son was delayed and needed many months of speech therapy. He did not make eye contact or smile. He strongly preferred males and it didn’t help our bonding. L. also had a bad food obsession and ate until vomiting. He had violent anger outbursts.I told my dying Father about struggles with my children. He said that L. and M. and you are not happy with each other; set them free to parents that will make them happy. He became unresponsive and passed away that night.After the funeral, M. was particularly happy. She said that my Dad is not real and I never had a father.Soon I realized that our adopted children needed a new family that can meet their needs better. We had to save our other children and our marriage.Our adoption agency found them a new family where both parents are special needs educators. We legally disrupted our adoption in the court. We explained to our children that they will be going to a new Mommy and Daddy who will love them very much. Our adopted children were very excited to go and didn’t seem upset at all, they jumped in their new parents’ arms and waived us goodbye.They, to our knowledge, are thriving in their new family setting!My 8 y.o son became happy again. We don’t fight anymore with my husband and love each other.I, however, grieve my Dad’s death and our failed adoption. I can’t stop wondering was there anything else I could have done to save my family?

Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 25, 2014 at 12:09 PM
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Kellyjude1
by Gold Member on Dec. 25, 2014 at 1:03 PM

I can't imagine what you went through. I am so sorry about your dad and the failed adoption.  I do believe that for some children their needs are much more than just tons of love to make things okay.  Sadly God only knows what these children may have went through or what needs they may have.  I am so glad that from your post the children are thriving with their new family.  I honestly don't think there was anymore you could have done for your family, if so you would have.  Please don't second guess yourself.  Honestly nobody knows what it is like until they have been were you are.  I think it is so important to know the history of the child you are adopting sadly they don't release all the information or they simply don't have any information.  For hopeful adoptive parents we put our hearts out first and are willing to take any and all risk to be blessed with a child.  Our adoption was private and for us it is our greatest blessing.  I hope you can find peace in knowing the children are with family in which they can now thrive.  Of course, it has to be painful for you but remember you did the best that you could.  

andreamarie
by Platinum Member on Dec. 25, 2014 at 2:54 PM
You did the best you could. You are good kind people who wanted to help. I am sorry to say good intentions are not always enough. You are greiving your family. This may sound horrible but you haven't lost your family. You still have it. Adopting an older child is like entering into a marriage. It doesn't always work out because of emotional baggage. Those children needed individual attention and therapy. They were not mentally capable of sharing and adjusting to an already made family. The treatment your bio children received was to push them out so their wouldnt be any competition. You did nothing wrong. You wanted to help. But your children had to come first. You did not fail. I know of another case where everyone would have been better off if their adopted child had been returned. The truth about him and his mental condition had intentionally been covered up. Trust me you came out a lot better than my college professor and her family. I know older children need love too. But my advice is always try to find a infant. If someone wants an older child it is better to not have other children already. I am sure you have made your children understand this will not happen again. I would focus on the family I had and do my best to move on. Beating yourself up over this will serve no purpose other than to be miserable. If you have any doubts. Google murders involving sue Carley and her husband who worked at Jones county junior college in ellisville Ms. Their adopted son George Carley. Believe me, your situation worked out for the best.
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