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Younger parents in a nursing home

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 27 Replies
There was a post on here a while back about putting parents in a nursing home when they are old if you don't have time to care for them. It's something I think about often.

A little backstory. My mom just turned 49 in November. She abused drugs most of my life and was very abusive and neglectful during these periods. We were dirt poor and constantly left with/around people who were NOT fit to care for us. I was sexually assaulted at age 6 during church service and didn't tell her for 6 years because I knew she was nuts. I was sexually assaulted at
14 by a friend of hers and DID tell but she didn't care. She'd let me know before he was coming over so I could leave.

Horrible parent... But I loved her. She's the only parent I ever had. These are just a few examples. I could write a book on it all... There's so much. She eventually got clean but it didn't last. She also stole my identity and bought stuff to sell for drugs.

Very long story short. She gave herself a stroke from cocaine usage in December of 2012. She's penniless and on disability now. No money. Lost everything. No retirement. She's honestly not fit to care for herself. I've reported her to bye state twice because I feel she's a danger to herself. She falls, gets confused, gave her disability check to some online scam. Swore they were in love. She smokes like a chimney, runs out of food, can barely shower herself, burns herself on the stove... But the state tells me she's not a dependent adult.

What can I do? She cannot live with me. I have children to protect and I can't provide the level of care she needs. Same for my sister. None of her siblings want to take care of her. I mean, who would? We all have homes, lives, jobs, etc.

Every place I've found that helps older/disabled people (think independent apartments with possible help when needed) needs you to be at least 50 with long waiting lists. Even if she got in, how would we pay for it? I can't subsidize. She has nothing in savings. She qualifies for a small amount of food stamps.

She will end up in a nursing home sooner or later and there's just nothing I can do about it.
Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:34 AM
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Replies (1-10):
bklynmama716
by John 3:16 on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:41 AM
I'm a hospital social worker and deal with this kind of thing all the time.. The truth is it will be very hard to get her in a nursing home because of her age AND history of drug use. There are some that will take her but I can promise it won't be a nice place. You're best bet right now is to get her on medicaid and apply for a home attendant to care for her at home. Feel free to PM me if you need help.
j3st3r
by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:42 AM
My mom is the same. I'm sorry for your experiences. I honestly can relate to all of them.

I've told myself that if mom got that bad I'd take her in with the condition of sobriety, but that's all very theoretical.

Your situation is real.

Can she get in an assisted living complex? Like her own apartment but someone to check on her and a nurse?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:44 AM
Unfortunately your story isn't all that uncommon these days. I'm so sorry you had to grow up that way. My aunt is very much like your mom and my cousin had similar experiences as you. My aunt clings to every man that gives her attention and usually ends up giving him what little but she has until she has nothing. She's almost 60 and still hadn't learned.

There isn't much you can do. Just check up on her every once in a while and bring her a plate of food. That's what we do for my aunt.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:47 AM
She's on either medicaid or Medicare. I'm not sure which one. Home health care based on her income is $22/hr and she refuses to pay for it. I've convinced her to give me control of her money and straightened her out before but it never lasts. She makes purchases online or gets a ride to the bank to withdraw money that I needed to pay her bills. It's so damn frustrating.

Even an hour a day would benefit her so much.

Quoting bklynmama716: I'm a hospital social worker and deal with this kind of thing all the time.. The truth is it will be very hard to get her in a nursing home because of her age AND history of drug use. There are some that will take her but I can promise it won't be a nice place. You're best bet right now is to get her on medicaid and apply for a home attendant to care for her at home. Feel free to PM me if you need help.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:49 AM
She's too young for everything I've found. Then there's the money situation. Do these peoples families help pay for this? Their pensions? I have no clue. I can't get anyone to really talk to me about it since she's too young and NOT a dependent adult. Though to me, that's debatable.

Quoting j3st3r: My mom is the same. I'm sorry for your experiences. I honestly can relate to all of them.

I've told myself that if mom got that bad I'd take her in with the condition of sobriety, but that's all very theoretical.

Your situation is real.

Can she get in an assisted living complex? Like her own apartment but someone to check on her and a nurse?
Kellyjude1
by Gold Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:50 AM

So sorry for all you went through growing up.  I can't imagine being in your situaiton.  While I am one to say never place your parent's in a nursing home, after reading your post and honestly some other situations not everyone can afford or have the opportunity to care for their parents.  My mom suffered strokes and believe me until it actually strikes your family you just don't know the amount of care that is greatly needed.  My sister and I cared for my mom and she required around the clock care.  We were furtunate enough in that my sister's son was not working so he would watch her during the day.  He was only 22 years old but he told us "grandma cared and babysat me when I was little, so I have no problem helping her"- The amount of care was so draining especially when she never knew exactly what she was doing it was so sad.  She had her good and bad days. At that same time my dad was hospitalized and having both parent's to care for was just unthinkable.  Luckily there was 3 of us and we split up our times to care for the both of them.  They did both pass within 9 months of each other.  There is no preparing in the world for any of this and when it hits you just have to do what you feel is best for you and your family.  My heart goes out to you its not an easy road but always know that you did the best you could and that is what matters the most.  I feel for your mom's safety alone she needs care someone to be there for her around the clock and if that means a nursing home so be it. I know how hard it is to balance work, a family and your parent's.  Hang in there and just do what you feel is best.  

bklynmama716
by John 3:16 on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:53 AM
If they're charging her 22 an hour then she likely has Medicare only.. Medicaid would pay for the home care. Google 'pooled income trust', everyone can get medicaid regardless of their income, most just don't know about it.

Eta: also if she has Medicare already then she has been diagnosed with some sort of disability. Usually you don't get it until you're 65 so use that to your advantage. If you can find out which insurance she has for sure I can help you

Quoting Anonymous 1: She's on either medicaid or Medicare. I'm not sure which one. Home health care based on her income is $22/hr and she refuses to pay for it. I've convinced her to give me control of her money and straightened her out before but it never lasts. She makes purchases online or gets a ride to the bank to withdraw money that I needed to pay her bills. It's so damn frustrating.



Even an hour a day would benefit her so much.
Quoting bklynmama716: I'm a hospital social worker and deal with this kind of thing all the time.. The truth is it will be very hard to get her in a nursing home because of her age AND history of drug use. There are some that will take her but I can promise it won't be a nice place. You're best bet right now is to get her on medicaid and apply for a home attendant to care for her at home. Feel free to PM me if you need help.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:55 AM
Thanks for the kind words :)

My mom is 49 and could live a LOT longer. I'm a single mom with two small boys. Their dad is a shit and I'm overwhelmed with my 12 hour shifts and just life in general. I don't get a break. Not ever. My family isn't close and I have no one to depend on but my sister who is pregnant and also works full time. In short, I have absolutely no one. I couldn't handle caring for her. She drives me nuts. I don't trust her not to steal from me again. I don't trust her to not go back to drugs again.

:(

Quoting Kellyjude1:

So sorry for all you went through growing up.  I can't imagine being in your situaiton.  While I am one to say never place your parent's in a nursing home, after reading your post and honestly some other situations not everyone can afford or have the opportunity to care for their parents.  My mom suffered strokes and believe me until it actually strikes your family you just don't know the amount of care that is greatly needed.  My sister and I cared for my mom and she required around the clock care.  We were furtunate enough in that my sister's son was not working so he would watch her during the day.  He was only 22 years old but he told us "grandma cared and babysat me when I was little, so I have no problem helping her"- The amount of care was so draining especially when she never knew exactly what she was doing it was so sad.  She had her good and bad days. At that same time my dad was hospitalized and having both parent's to care for was just unthinkable.  Luckily there was 3 of us and we split up our times to care for the both of them.  They did both pass within 9 months of each other.  There is no preparing in the world for any of this and when it hits you just have to do what you feel is best for you and your family.  My heart goes out to you its not an easy road but always know that you did the best you could and that is what matters the most.  I feel for your mom's safety alone she needs care someone to be there for her around the clock and if that means a nursing home so be it. I know how hard it is to balance work, a family and your parent's.  Hang in there and just do what you feel is best.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:57 AM
I'm 90% sure it's Medicare. Yes she's considered completely and totally disabled. She gets a disability check.

You can have Medicare and Medicaid at the same time?

Quoting bklynmama716: If they're charging her 22 an hour then she likely has Medicare only.. Medicaid would pay for the home care. Google 'pooled income trust', everyone can get medicaid regardless of their income, most just don't know about it.

Eta: also if she has Medicare already then she has been diagnosed with some sort of disability. Usually you don't get it until you're 65 so use that to your advantage. If you can find out which insurance she has for sure I can help you

Quoting Anonymous 1: She's on either medicaid or Medicare. I'm not sure which one. Home health care based on her income is $22/hr and she refuses to pay for it. I've convinced her to give me control of her money and straightened her out before but it never lasts. She makes purchases online or gets a ride to the bank to withdraw money that I needed to pay her bills. It's so damn frustrating.

Even an hour a day would benefit her so much.
Quoting bklynmama716: I'm a hospital social worker and deal with this kind of thing all the time.. The truth is it will be very hard to get her in a nursing home because of her age AND history of drug use. There are some that will take her but I can promise it won't be a nice place. You're best bet right now is to get her on medicaid and apply for a home attendant to care for her at home. Feel free to PM me if you need help.
bklynmama716
by John 3:16 on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:58 AM
You would need to apply for Medicaid for her and that will cover all the costs. You don't have to pay for anything!

Quoting Anonymous 1: She's too young for everything I've found. Then there's the money situation. Do these peoples families help pay for this? Their pensions? I have no clue. I can't get anyone to really talk to me about it since she's too young and NOT a dependent adult. Though to me, that's debatable.

Quoting j3st3r: My mom is the same. I'm sorry for your experiences. I honestly can relate to all of them.

I've told myself that if mom got that bad I'd take her in with the condition of sobriety, but that's all very theoretical.

Your situation is real.

Can she get in an assisted living complex? Like her own apartment but someone to check on her and a nurse?
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