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What the Actual Eff.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 9 Replies

Sooo, back story first I guess.  SO has cheated on me in the past.  So there's insecurities from that.

Recently, he started talking to a girl he knew when he was a teen. From when he was like 13 or 14 (insert knowing look here).  I have checked his facebook messages with her.  I haven't found anything damning yet.  Notice I say yet.

He has also called her on the phone.  One conversation lasted for an hour and a half.  I asked him about that and he said that she was getting slapped and choked out.  He said that's the reason she called him and that it was still happening while he was on the phone with her. 

The last time I checked my birthdate it was not yesterday.

The only problem is, is that I have no proof.

Oh and he has also sparked up a convo with some other chick.  I found that out through his gmail account.  It's logged in on my computer and he forgot to log out.

I have no idea if I'm asking for help or just getting this bullshit off my chest.

I know in my gut that this is not innocent on his part.  His attitude towards me hasn't really changed for me to be suspicous.

Oh yeah and the first girl lives in arizona to be clear so I know there's nothing physical going on.  Just emotional.


To be honest I have no fucking clue what I'm doing anymore.  I don't know if I really want to be with him anymore.  Him talking to this girl has brought up the past and everything we have been through.  And we have been through a lot.

I just don't know if I see him the same way that I used to. I mean I know that I do love him.  I just don't know if it's the same any more.  And I really don't like that.  I do want to be with him and feel the same way that I used to. 

I told him that him talking to this girl has started to make me push away from him. And yet he is still talking to her.

Oh my god I'm just so done with the bs though.  Tired of being lied to.

Ok rant over.

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:06 PM
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Replies (1-9):
Spare.Time
by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:08 PM
You trust him or you don't, very simple. Lack of trust makes a relationship IMPOSSIBLE. Time to end this and move on
KeepOnTryin
by Melissa on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:09 PM
As a general rule, cheaters need attention from more than one woman due to their low self-esteem. He will not change until he wants to. Do you feel like waiting around for that?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:09 PM

Sorry for jumping around.

My thoughts are quite scattered.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:10 PM
Do you expect him to never talk to a woman again?

You never moved past the original cheating. At that point, continuing the relationship meant you should have forgiven him and allowed him to earn your trust back. That apparently didn't happen. If you can't or won't trust him, there's no point in having a relationship with him.
ame85
by Chemistry cat on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:11 PM
Well, he is an SO not a husband so at least divorce isn't in your future.

Time for him to leave.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:14 PM

I should have said that he's cheated on my a few times.  And each time I moved on.  I found out about them all at once.  When he was drunk and fessed up.

And then found out about some more that he hadn't told me. 

All of these happening around the same time.

I did move on from these and forgave him.  But you can see why I am suspicious now.


Quoting Anonymous 2: Do you expect him to never talk to a woman again? You never moved past the original cheating. At that point, continuing the relationship meant you should have forgiven him and allowed him to earn your trust back. That apparently didn't happen. If you can't or won't trust him, there's no point in having a relationship with him.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:18 PM
Well if it's been several episodes of cheating, then it's time to move on.

Once can be a mistake. More than once is a habit.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

I should have said that he's cheated on my a few times.  And each time I moved on.  I found out about them all at once.  When he was drunk and fessed up.

And then found out about some more that he hadn't told me. 

All of these happening around the same time.

I did move on from these and forgave him.  But you can see why I am suspicious now.

Quoting Anonymous 2: Do you expect him to never talk to a woman again?

You never moved past the original cheating. At that point, continuing the relationship meant you should have forgiven him and allowed him to earn your trust back. That apparently didn't happen. If you can't or won't trust him, there's no point in having a relationship with him.

wilky5
by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:21 PM
1 mom liked this
The fact that you're questioning everything tells me it's time to move on and you already know it.
Ultrakiwi
by Glockenspiel on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:28 PM

I get it.  It's really hard to see someone the same way after infidelity.  I couldn't do it.  I lose all attraction and respect after it happens..  Even though I am on good terms with my ex, I was never able to see him in a romantic way after that.  If my DF were to cheat, it would be the same way.  All of my want to be with someone just kind of dies, but it still hurts like hell.  You feel like you have lost.

It seems like maybe you don't actually want to be with him, but just want your past back.  What you guys were  before.  The nostalgia of it before he cheated.  Maybe, maybe not.  How long has it been?  

I think you need to let go of it ever being the same as it was before.  It won't be.  But, if it's going to work, you need to trust him.  If you can't, everything it pointless.  You'll just end up an insecure mess every time he talks to another girl.  The pain from a breakup is absolutely terrible, but usually temporary.  Constantly wondering if you're SO is showing his affections to another is just as bad- and could last forever if you stay.

I am sorry you have to go through this.  It's not fair.  It's not fair to you, or your children.

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